Hats Off, Lesbians
Ever since junior high I’ve been two things: a lesbian and addicted to hats. By high school my look had veered toward pervy degenerate, and the commingling of these three characteristics meant that only a simple black beanie was an acceptable method of controlling my banana curls.
Today it is my belief that wearing a hat for any other purpose than keeping one’s head warm—or hiding shameful hair—is the equivalent of teaching your body to suck shit up from your large intestine and blast it out the top of your skull like a poop water fountain from which everyone in range must drink. In other words, dumb hats are the manifestation of terrible personalities.
Focusing my hate, I tried to approach women on the street to ask them whether they were aware of the tragic mistakes that encircled their brains. This, however, didn’t work out so well because they were insipid buffoons who wouldn’t let me take their photos or agree to let me use their real names. So instead, I present to you a few examples of hats lesbians like to wear that, if donned, will instantly make you a total asshole, interspersed with some anonymous back-and-forth with the gay gals I spotted wearing ugly caps in the street.
