ALL-STRAIGHT EVERYTHING
It gives me sadness that Girl News is so much about dick, btw. I guess I left all that appropriately and thoroughly contextualized stuff back in 2004 (or 5? WHO KNOWS) when I graduated with a medium-hard university degree mostly in political theory and started being like, I’LL DO WHAT I WANT NOW, THANKS. Girl News should be gayer. I’ve sexed with girls a bunch and I’m not very good at it. Doing all those moves properly is so hard! When I was lesplained what fisting was and how to do it I think I did some Ren and Stimpy reactions. Both Ren and Stimpy.
PORN
The common understanding about girl-on-girl porn is that you can tell from the nails if they’re real lesbians or not, because real lesbians can’t/wouldn’t have porn talons. (You know how John Waters says that if you go to someone’s house and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them? Can we do a thing where if you start watching porn and the girls have sandblasted, gel-sticky anal knives on their fingers, don’t masturbate to them? It is gahross!) Nails don’t actually matter, though, because with a trained porno eye you can really tell when the porn girls, especially the barely legals, are so grossed out by having to fuck each other. You can just taste their homophobic flyover-state genetics pulsing cortisol and adrenaline through their bodies, and they’re all so obviously dry and hesitant. I would pay actual dollars to see two girls without tattoos or experience slap the fuck out of each other and get weird and mean it. Actual dollars! On the internet!
BISEXUAL
I’m not saying it doesn’t exist. I’m saying that word is corny.
