didas is cool. It’s always cool, but make sure you know that it stands for “All Day I Dream About Sex.” If you say “sports” it means you are a gay. It’s even cooler if you know the backwards definition: “Sex All Day In Dad’s Apartment.”
ecome friends with someone older than you, like an 8th grader (or, as Canadians say, “a grade 8”). Even if they are boring and stupid, they can protect you and people in your grade will think you are cooler. These older kids will also get their driver’s licenses before you so eventually you will be able to use them for rides, but that’s more of a 9th grader thing.
arry your book bag on one shoulder, unless you don’t have a book bag and you want to hold your books, which is also cool and a better option for girls. Don’t say “knapsack.” When a teacher calls it a “knapsack,” make sure you laugh in her face so hard she feels stupid and old.
o not buy lunch, bring your own. If you eat food from the cafeteria, you are a loser. If you carry your lunch on a tray, you are a loser. Small brown paper bags only.
veryone knows that if you get into a fight, you do not cry. Crying is the kiss of death. Sure, if you do start crying, maybe the person will stop beating you up, but they will also be disgusted. Sometimes girls “feel bad” when people cry, but don’t let this fool you. The kid who cries is destined to be the kid who is forever ignored, and eventually someone will start a rumor about how he has Hershey squirts. Suck it up, fight back, do whatever it takes — just DO NOT CRY. It just makes things uncomfortable and awkward for everyone.
Continue: The VICE Guide to Junior High