After months of searching and more rejection letters than a goth memoirist, HBO’s training-camp documentary show Hard Knocks has locked down its subject for 2012: the Dolphins. While some in the game say Hard Knocks’s distractions ruin teams’ seasons, that shouldn’t be a problem for the Dolphins, whose season was ruined months ago when their players didn’t magically trade themselves for different, better players.
HBO’s rival Showtime is doing another season of The Franchise, their behind-the-scenes baseball show on the Marlins, the newly rebranded baseball team with a new stadium and a craaaAazy coach. That’s a programming decision that makes sense—the Marlins have star players, a bizarre Thome-run sculpture, and a lot of potential for drama. The Dolphins, on the other hand, have a storied history and ugly colors. They’re guaranteed to win between a handful and half of their games, and it’s sort of bizarre to imagine them being entertaining enough to watch for hours.
So in the interest of figuring out what the storylines will be, we spoke to fictional newly hired Dolphins beat writer Rex Maule, of the Palm Beach Bathroom Reader about what to expect on the show. Maule was previously a greyhound/civics reporter for the Baltimore Evening Sun.
VICE: So, what’s the main story this preseason?
Rex Maule: According to my sources, the Dolphins are in the midst of an exciting quarterback battle. Matt Moore, who apparently is also a pitcher for the Rays, is going against Frank Tanana for the starting job. My take is, Moore is going to lose the battle since he’s distracted by those shiny baseballs, and the janitor is telling me Tanana is buying all his teammates booze after pushup time or whatever they call it. I’m not up on my lingo yet.
Excuse me, a source. Can we scratch that? Journo code! Anyways, Moore, who per the media guide is a Sagittarius, has anger issues. Anger is, as we know, important for football, and especially quarterbacks, so my prediction is he comes out of camp with the job. I’m also told one of the guys is an alcoholic, but we don’t find out until late in the show. My guess is it’s Moore as well, because of the anger issues.
You were telling me something about a spy earlier?
Oh yeah. After talking to my custodial operations source, whose last name I will not confirm, one thing I’m excited about is the B-story of Richie Incognito, the CIA operative who the Dolphins also employ as an offensive lineman and center. Are those the same thing? I thought center was basketball, but whatever.