LET’S STOP TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH SPORTS TEAMS
Yesterday, Bill “The Incarnation of Sports Fan Id” Simmons tweeted a pretty typical Bill Simmons tweet: “How great is life gonna be for Katie Holmes’ next boyfriend? She’s gonna be more rejuvenated than Youkilis on the White Sox.” For those not living in his pop-culture universe, that compares Kevin Youkilis, a player who got traded to Chicago from Boston and is hitting the hell out of the ball, to Katie Holmes, who just fled the clammy, metallic embrace of Tom Cruise and will, Simmons postulates, um, fuck the next guy she meets real good or something.
For Simmons, making that kind of sports/sex reference is as natural as Teen Wolf growing fur and savagely mauling people, or whatever he did in that movie. Last month, he devoted a whole column to comparing the Sonics leaving Seattle for Oklahoma City to a guy leaving his wife for a 20-year-old yoga instructor. Which means, I guess, that we should picture 600,000 obese, hairy, sweatpanted Oklahomans engaging in tantric sex with Kevin Durant? Or that these Oklahomans were the sinewy, flexible blonde to Seattle’s undersexed frump? Simmons didn’t invent the “Fan=spouse, player/team=sexxxy lady” analogy—it’s been floating around for a while, and has been featured in such articles as, “LeBron James Is a Hot but Crazy Chick Who’s Flirting with Us” and ”The Whalers Leaving Hartford Is Like a Man Leaving” (a rare gender reversal).