Some People Made a Breastfeeding Toy
Oh, childhood—a time for innocent playing, pretending, and nonchalantly eating things that are technically classified as poisonous. But the general consensus is that this current generation of kids are losing interest in the things that really matter, like caring for the children they’re going to have in 25 years and, more importantly, feeding those children through their nipples.
Remember those cute, little dolls you’d spoon-feed with sweet-smelling plastic cherries? I guess they were a half-acceptable middle-ground between infancy and motherhood—a sufficient way to satisfy that need little girls have for looking after children—but someone’s finally come up with a way to skip out that delicious-smelling middleman (and puberty, sex, pregnancy, and childbirth) by releasing a doll that will suckle directly at the (stick-on) nipple of your child.
The infant human wears a “fashionable bib” (puke) with two flowers replacing the nipples and the baby goes to town on her prepubescent chest (double puke). A toy encouraging the idea that young girls have active sexual organs sounds a bit like teaching them to own and love their pubic hair or forcing them to listen to you explain how to insert a tampon. Really gross and distressing, basically. To discover the reasoning behind why anyone would make a toy that allows children to mock-lactate, I called up Berjuan Toys, the makers of the doll, and talked to an anonymous spokesman. Turns out they think we’re the creepy ones.
VICE: Hey, Mr. Breastmilk Baby. What the fuck is your doll all about?
Breastmilk Baby Spokesman: Our doll promotes the idea that the healthy, natural way to feed a baby is through breastfeeding and it’s important that everybody knows that from the earliest point in life. Making it a normal part of the everyday experience will help banish the taboo, which will be good for future generations of babies. It’ll be good for moms and it’ll be good for society.
Why do they need to make that disturbing slurping noise?
Well, little girls see their moms breastfeeding their siblings and they imitate that noise anyway. It’s not like this is a new behavior, it’s just this toy makes that behavior more exciting and fun. They’re beautiful baby dolls that serve a really important function. Why would you make little girls wait to learn about breastfeeding? You don’t want them to think that it’s a shameful thing. It’s just the correct way to feed a baby, so why would you want to hide that from your daughter?