Toronto Just Fired the Greatest Mayor of All Time
Toronto has had a very exciting 24 hours. Last night, our Canadian football team won the Grey Cup. This morning, we fired our 64th mayor: Rob Ford. Over here at the VICE Toronto office, we fell in love with this amiable, clumsy, fat drunk guy early on. It was love at first laugh, after he chased a reporter out of City Hall forcalling him a “fat fuck.” We understand that this is the same guy who was arrested for a DUI in Florida while he was riding dirty with a bag of weed, and yes, ol’ Rob may or may not have threatened to kidnap his own children, but he was our kidnapping, reckless driving, weed loving mayor.
Inevitably, Rob’s downfall came from his one tragic flaw: a love of high school football. Yes, Rob coached a high school football team in Etobicoke called the Don Bosco Eagles, and those little fuckers took Rob down. All the trouble really started when Rob started writing letters asking for donations to the Don Bosco Eagles using“official letterhead and other city resources,” which caused some people over at City Hall to find this swinging of mayoral dick to be a massive conflict of interest. When Rob was on trial to defend his solicitation of football donations, the prosecution argued that ol’ Ford was “willfully ignorant” of breaking Toronto’s Conflict of Interest Act. Despite all the haters, Rob Ford continued to use his mayoral powers to make things easier on Etobicoke’s finest high school football players. Earlier this month, two Toronto Transit buses were emptied so that they could go and pick up Rob’s football team. Rob claims it was all a misunderstanding. He said that the buses were diverted to stop a fight between the two teams playing that day, a fight that Rob blamed on the opposing team’s coach, and honestly, we believe him entirely.
Rob Ford exhibiting his sweet moves on the gridiron.
The best part about Rob’s storied reign as Toronto’s supreme ruler, is that the laughs just didn’t seem to ever want to stop. Remember when he had to pee at a CFL game and accidentally walked into the Calgary Stampeders’ locker room at half-time? Presumably drunk as fuck? Or how about this past summer, after thehorrifyingly tragic shooting on Danzig St. in Scarborough, when Rob ordered the deportation of “white, pink, or purple” people?
We’ll always remember Rob Ford as a man of the people, who always had time for his loyal subjects. One very lucky mother and daughter got to see Rob in person, while he was obviously on an important call pertaining to official city business, as he was talking on his cell phone and driving. The mother, a concerned citizen, warned the mayor of the dangers of driving while talking on a cell phone. Rob, understandably bothered, flipped off the nosey woman who was driving with her six year old daughter. He had to teach that mother and daughter a hard lesson about Rob’s personal immunity to safe driving laws, and we’re sure they’re better off for it.
Another snoopy citizen spotted Rob Ford reading while he was driving. This concerned stick-in-the-mud tweeted a photo of Rob watching his paperwork instead of the road, and it caused a bit of a stir. Rob Ford calmly explained to the press that he was “probably busy” and fully admitted to reading and driving. When else is the guy gonna read? He’s only going to be on the can for so many hours in a day.
Robbie reading in the whip.
Tough love driving lessons aside, Rob was always looking out for the well being of Toronto’s citizens. Six months before he was elected mayor, Rob suggested that one of his constituents, a guy named Dieter who was complaining about health problems, “score” some OxyContin “on the street.” Rob claims he was just trying to get out of an awkward phone conversation by suggesting that Dieter should go and buy some drugs illegally, to help fix Dieter’s chronic pain. Perfectly understandable behaviour for a mayoral candidate.