The March Madness of Fast Food
Fast food is blood to me. And I don’t mean that because I eat it often— I mean it populates my mind and flows through my veins. Sometimes I can be ultraproductive for a whole week by telling myself that if I make it through and finish all of my work, I will reward myself by eating shit. My carrot on a stick is a dripping Big Mac is what I’m saying. Some of my most powerful emotions have been procured in the drive-throughs of the dozens upon dozens of butthole food options America has bequeathed its hungry citizens. Sometimes even just driving down the road feels like a Death Olympics, where at any point you could pull over and upload a couple thousand calories into your face.
After spending several days sprawled out watching men on TV throw a ball at a hole in an effort not to get eliminated from some competition, I decided to subject the butt buffets of America to a similar competition. I seeded 64 of our most popular corporate fast food establishments from one to 16, based primarily on sales stats, then went to business facing the fuckers off based on what my body likes. Below are the results.
LARD REGION
1. McDonald’s16. Denny’s
8. Del Taco9. White Castle
5. Dairy Queen12. Krystal
4. Chipotle13. Manchu Wok
6. Five Guys11. Baskin-Robbins
3. Domino’s Pizza14. Miami Subs
7. Church’s Chicken10. Qdoba
2. Pizza Hut15. Smoothie King
Activity:
McDonald’s is hosted by a clown and their only item that isn’t shitted up are the french fries; Denny’s gives you actual silverware, so fuck Denny’s: McDonald’s.
In elementary school my mom would take us to Del Taco, and all I remember is the refried beans, how you could almost drink them; White Castle is piss: Del Taco.
Krystal is only OK to eat if you’re so drunk you won’t remember anything the next morning besides the smell; Dairy Queen dunks shit in chocolate up to your wrist: DQ.
Continue

The March Madness of Fast Food

Fast food is blood to me. And I don’t mean that because I eat it often— I mean it populates my mind and flows through my veins. Sometimes I can be ultraproductive for a whole week by telling myself that if I make it through and finish all of my work, I will reward myself by eating shit. My carrot on a stick is a dripping Big Mac is what I’m saying. Some of my most powerful emotions have been procured in the drive-throughs of the dozens upon dozens of butthole food options America has bequeathed its hungry citizens. Sometimes even just driving down the road feels like a Death Olympics, where at any point you could pull over and upload a couple thousand calories into your face.

After spending several days sprawled out watching men on TV throw a ball at a hole in an effort not to get eliminated from some competition, I decided to subject the butt buffets of America to a similar competition. I seeded 64 of our most popular corporate fast food establishments from one to 16, based primarily on sales stats, then went to business facing the fuckers off based on what my body likes. Below are the results.

LARD REGION

1. McDonald’s
16. Denny’s

8. Del Taco
9. White Castle

5. Dairy Queen
12. Krystal

4. Chipotle
13. Manchu Wok

6. Five Guys
11. Baskin-Robbins

3. Domino’s Pizza
14. Miami Subs

7. Church’s Chicken
10. Qdoba

2. Pizza Hut
15. Smoothie King

Activity:

McDonald’s is hosted by a clown and their only item that isn’t shitted up are the french fries; Denny’s gives you actual silverware, so fuck Denny’s: McDonald’s.

In elementary school my mom would take us to Del Taco, and all I remember is the refried beans, how you could almost drink them; White Castle is piss: Del Taco.

Krystal is only OK to eat if you’re so drunk you won’t remember anything the next morning besides the smell; Dairy Queen dunks shit in chocolate up to your wrist: DQ.

Continue

Notes:

  1. getinmaahbelly reblogged this from mishaswhore
  2. mashiromaru reblogged this from vicemag
  3. foodporncess reblogged this from vicemag and added:
    The March Madness of Fast Food Fast food is blood to me. And I don’t mean that because I eat it often— I mean it...
  4. wslbearmanny reblogged this from vicemag
  5. rxmana reblogged this from goodkidmadcity
  6. dulcesue reblogged this from vicemag
  7. sakaboi reblogged this from vicemag
  8. icantbreathe-buticanfight reblogged this from vicemag
  9. for-ever-teen-ager reblogged this from vicemag
  10. las-cronicas-de-osos reblogged this from vicemag
  11. mattr-art reblogged this from vicemag and added:
    I think yes
  12. bittybritt13 reblogged this from vicemag
  13. bubblesmcnamara reblogged this from vicemag
  14. georginatheavenger reblogged this from vicemag
  15. yvesmcqueen reblogged this from vicemag
  16. davieshenanigans reblogged this from vicemag
  17. rebelkenn reblogged this from vicemag
  18. nebbii reblogged this from vicemag
  19. weird-amphibious-dolphin reblogged this from vicemag
  20. eluted reblogged this from vicemag
  21. minanamoue reblogged this from vicemag
  22. wrathknight reblogged this from wrathknight and added:
    I’m re-reblogging this because “Pizza is God’s skin” is actually part of this article. GO READ IT
  23. itsaboutfood reblogged this from vicemag