An Open Letter to the Worst Wax Museum in America
Dear Hollywood Wax Museum,
I recently visited your Los Angeles location and was exceptionally disappointed with what I saw.
Upon entering, I was greeted by your Tom Hanks in Castaway waxwork. It was not very good. Scary, even.
I have never seen Castaway, so there may actually be a scene in which Tom Hanks becomes blind in one eye, but I doubt that is the case.
But it wasn’t just your Tom Hanks that was awful. It was all of your waxworks. They look like something from the nightmares of a person who has been blind since birth and has no real concept of what human beings look like.
Some time ago, I watched a documentary about a ship that sank in the Baltic Sea. There was this one shot that has haunted me since, where they showed the beautiful, blond wife of one of the people who had gone down with the ship. She was standing on the shoreline, looking out into the Baltic Sea as it slowly dawned on her that she would never be seeing her husband again. There was a sadness in her eyes that haunts me to this day.
Your Cameron Diaz looks identical to how that looks in my head. I am genuinely surprised she hasn’t yet sued for defamation.
Some of your waxworks are so bad that I would never have had even the slightest of clues who they were if I hadn’t been explicitly told. Like this beautiful goth woman who, apparently, is meant to be Hugh Jackman.
However, credit where it’s due: your Steve Jobs waxwork was actually very good. I’m not entirely sure why you decided to suspend him from the ceiling on wires, though, but bravo.
Beyond just looking really, really, really, really shitty, your waxworks have a larger issue: you have, without exception, managed to depict each celebrity as a character in their least memorable movie.
For instance, you chose to depict Adam Sandler, star of The Waterboy, Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore, and dozens of other films that people have actually seen (or heard of) as his character from the movie where it rains gumballs. Google tells me, it is called Bedtime Stories.
Pierce Brosnan, who has played James Bond multiple times, is shown as his character in The Thomas Crown Affair. (For a millionaire art thief, he is wearing a VERY cheap suit.)
You put Sean Connery and Daniel Craig, who, again, have both played James Bond, as their characters in The Hunt for Red October and Cowboys & Aliens, respectively.