Future Harper’s Index of America
Numbers are fucked. Numbers know more about America than America knows about America. It’s like our whole existence is a string of digits some dork fantasized in his sleep and accidentally whipped into creation. Based on the evidence at hand, the state of where we’re headed only gets grosser, which maybe should be more obvious every hour than it already is.
By my calculation, here are some predictions, with a head-nod to the Harper’s Index of the Not Too Far To Come:
Average height of a newborn baby in 2060: 30”
In 2090: 0.4”
Percentage of Americans who believe “Silent Night” was written by Jesus Christ: 86
Number of wolves kept as house pets in the United States: 3,054,000
Of wolf-human hybrids born to those households: 98,000
Times John “Papa John” Schnatter will be reelected to presidential office following constitutional amendment: 107
Number of stand-ins believed to extend the life of “Papa John”: 81
Number of topping available for order on a Papa John’s pizza during his presidency: 2
Average weight of pizza consumed per week per citizen (in pounds): 9
Average weight of citizen (in new unpronounceable measurement designed to veil actual impact of a person’s weight as indicative of health): 4
Average weight of cover models of America Monthly magazine (subscription required with citizenship): .0003
Total sequels in Fast and the Furious chain filmed before the interior collapse of the moon: 39
Number of additional Biblical Commandments “discovered” chiseled onto the face of silver asteroid that will crash down and obliterate the lower half of Florida: 209
Length of Disney World Employee Memorial Wall and Hotel constructed along the border between U.S. and Mexico (in miles): 1,933
Continue

Future Harper’s Index of America

Numbers are fucked. Numbers know more about America than America knows about America. It’s like our whole existence is a string of digits some dork fantasized in his sleep and accidentally whipped into creation. Based on the evidence at hand, the state of where we’re headed only gets grosser, which maybe should be more obvious every hour than it already is.

By my calculation, here are some predictions, with a head-nod to the Harper’s Index of the Not Too Far To Come:

Average height of a newborn baby in 2060: 30”

In 2090: 0.4”

Percentage of Americans who believe “Silent Night” was written by Jesus Christ: 86

Number of wolves kept as house pets in the United States: 3,054,000

Of wolf-human hybrids born to those households: 98,000

Times John “Papa John” Schnatter will be reelected to presidential office following constitutional amendment: 107

Number of stand-ins believed to extend the life of “Papa John”: 81

Number of topping available for order on a Papa John’s pizza during his presidency: 2

Average weight of pizza consumed per week per citizen (in pounds): 9

Average weight of citizen (in new unpronounceable measurement designed to veil actual impact of a person’s weight as indicative of health): 4

Average weight of cover models of America Monthly magazine (subscription required with citizenship): .0003

Total sequels in Fast and the Furious chain filmed before the interior collapse of the moon: 39

Number of additional Biblical Commandments “discovered” chiseled onto the face of silver asteroid that will crash down and obliterate the lower half of Florida: 209

Length of Disney World Employee Memorial Wall and Hotel constructed along the border between U.S. and Mexico (in miles): 1,933

Continue

Notes:

  1. matiasidk reblogged this from altlitgossip
  2. altlitgossip reblogged this from neatomosquitoshow
  3. neatomosquitoshow reblogged this from ccmpress
  4. kaoztheory reblogged this from vicemag
  5. dudlersupreme reblogged this from vicemag
  6. stepett reblogged this from vicemag
  7. ronan2016 reblogged this from vicemag
  8. retarding reblogged this from vicemag
  9. jmzplife reblogged this from vicemag
  10. sleeper-ag3nt reblogged this from vicemag
  11. ccmpress reblogged this from vicemag
  12. manmorrow reblogged this from vicemag
  13. stevenvera-7 reblogged this from vicemag
  14. eatsleeprunraverepeat reblogged this from vicemag
  15. gra612 reblogged this from vicemag
  16. cyclicalcynical reblogged this from vicemag
  17. spruce-sprigsteen reblogged this from vicemag