Remember that time we met the woman with the biggest ass in Brazil?
The VICE Guide to Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery, by Brian Moylan
How many times have you caught a glimpse of Lindsay Lohan’s deformed face on the cover of Us Weekly or splashed across one of the numerous receptacles for celebrity snark on the internet and thought, “What did that bitch do to herself?” It’s like she tried to shotgun a blunt and burned her lips until they looked more like a collection of oozing sores than something that occurs in nature.
Sure, there are plenty of celebrities (like Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton) whose faces look like tiny balls of Play-Doh stretched across a bowling ball who readily admit to the number of surgeries they’ve had, but there are twice as many who parade around looking all crazy and expect us not to notice. Here are what some real plastic surgeons (all of whom have worked on numerous celebrity patients) have to say about what went wrong and just how you can spot who had what done like a pro.
BREASTS
Celebrity Fuck Up: Cameron Diaz
What Happened: One day she was chairman of the itty bitty titty committee and the next she was sporting twice as much fun in her bags. Dr. Brian Glatt, a plastic surgeon with a practice in Morristown, New Jersey, says that Cameron Diaz’s boobs aren’t the worst he’s seen, but you can still get a glimpse of the implants.
Tell Tale Signs: Dr. Glatt says, “Not to stereotype, but many celebs tend to be on the thinner side and, as a whole, thinner women with disproportionately large breasts have had breast implants. Someone who is thin is not born with big breasts.” Duh. He also says putting fake ammo in a pair of bazooks will make them rounder and (as anyone who has handled a pair can tell you) firmer, and that it gives the cleavage a distinctive profile.
ASS
Celebrity Fuck Up: Coco
What Happened: Mrs. Ice T loves to show off her artificially stacked ass in a thong on her Twitter account, but everyone knows all that junk in her trunk was professionally installed. Dr. Constantino Mandieta, a butt shaping specialist in Miami, says that it is one of two procedures, either an implant placed into the posterior or something called “fat grafting,” where fat is taken from other parts of the body and sculpted somewhere it can have a more desirable effect. In Coco’s case, there’s just way, way too much of it.
Tell Tale Signs: Dr. Mandieta says that a fullness of the butt caused by a sudden drop off (so the backside looks like a shelf) is usually a good sign of an implant. He says any woman with a tiny waist and an overly round badonk is suspect. Also, if a woman has had fat grafting, it won’t show up on an ultrasound, so just because Coco passed that test on national TV doesn’t mean she’s 100 percent natural.
My boss basically begged me to write this article because he thinks I’m obsessed with buttholes. I don’t realize it, on a day to day basis, but I guess I do talk about them a lot.
I remember reading something online about how guys can’t sniff a butthole without getting a major boner. I think about this a lot. Is this why guys stare at butts so much? Because they’re thinking about sniffing them? That’s so funny and weird. But really, I can fully stand behind this because one of the first things I want to do when I have a naked butthole in front of me is sniff it, and then put my tongue in it, and then try to get the owner of the butthole to let me put other things in it. I feel very lucky that I don’t have a penis because I can do all of these things and still act cool and collected without some silly flesh tube giving me away. HAHAHA. Penises. Pffft.
I bet you that people read or hear about ladies talking about buttholes and think something like “what? What could a girl possibly do to a butthole aside from just look at it and be like ‘yup, that’s a butthole.”” And I’m here to tell you that there’s a LOT we can do. Think about it like this (well I don’t even know if what I’m about to say is factual, because I don’t know much about dicks, but I’m pretty smart about life and this is what I’ve surmised): Let’s say that a guy gets all hot and bothered by sniffing a butthole, gets a boner, and then decides to do something sexual with that butthole. I’m guessing that once a boner is achieved, the guy will put some sort of goo on his boner, ram the boner in the butthole, and then feel very pleased with himself that he did something scandalous and sexy. Well, that’s lame and a big time waste of butthole. Here’s what I like to do with a pretty butthole. (I’m gonna write this out like a short play).
Pretty lady: Oh, hey, I’m gonna get naked now and you can do whatever you want with me.
Me: Oh, that’s cool. Why don’t you lay on your stomach and put your butt in the air?
Pretty lady: OK. You’re super good in bed, I can tell already.
Me: I know.
Dr. Mendieta didn’t augment this butt. But damn, isn’t it nice?
Dr. Constantino Mendieta is the biggest advocate for butt augmentation in the world. Unsurprisingly, his practice is in Miami and overrun with sexy nurses with surgically sculpted asses. Butt-hungry patients fly in from all over the globe to have his steady hand in their behind, and with good reason—he literally wrote the book on butts. It’s called The Art of Gluteal Sculpting. The original idea was to interview another talented surgeon, but when Constantino heard through the grapevine that VICE was writing about butt augmentation he called us up to set the record straight.
VICE: So you consider yourself to be an artist?
Dr. Constantino Mendieta: There is no question. What I do is three-dimensional sculpting. It’s not just moving around fat—anyone can do that. My prices start at around $14,000, but you may find some plastic surgeons who will charge $4,000 for butt augmentation. The price tag is the difference between going to a hack or getting a real Picasso.
What do you think about the broke people who want the Picasso but settle for the more affordable maniac wielding a syringe filled with Fix-A-Flat?
The problem is that these victims see the butts of other people who’ve already had an underground procedure. Initially underground butt injections with stuff like silicone can look fantastic—the problem often occurs several years later. The silicone can, for example, eat away at the flesh. It’s mind boggling to me with the advent of the internet how many people think it is safe to undergo those shady procedures.
