SHOULD I TRY TO FIND TRUE LOVE ON TINDER?If you were asking me a year ago, I would have said, “Sure, loser.” But it is 2014, and Tinder is now a platform for people to make jokes, take screenshots of their jokes, and then hope their Tinder joke screenshots get picked up by BuzzFeed.
Do you think you could ever truly love someone who does that? Exactly.

A Guide to Behaving on the Internet in 2014

SHOULD I TRY TO FIND TRUE LOVE ON TINDER?
If you were asking me a year ago, I would have said, “Sure, loser.” But it is 2014, and Tinder is now a platform for people to make jokes, take screenshots of their jokes, and then hope their Tinder joke screenshots get picked up by BuzzFeed.

Do you think you could ever truly love someone who does that? Exactly.

A Guide to Behaving on the Internet in 2014

How to Intimidate People
It started in the playground, where that sweaty bully dished out bad insults and made you feel like a putz. Years later, you’re still being intimidated: on the street at night, in job interviews, at pickup basketball games, when someone says something nasty to you in the bar—in all these situations you’re stuck being the victim rather than the aggressor, the one who has to back down while your tormentor grins that shit-eating grin at you. Don’t you wish there was a way to shut him or her up, to force that clown into a humiliating retreat? Not by throwing a punch, of course, since that could end with you in a jail cell or badly beaten or both. You’re going to win this fight without it ever becoming a fight.

The problem is, not everybody has a natural knack for intimidation. Practice makes perfect, but since firsthand research in this field can be slightly hazardous, I thought I’d get some pointers from a group of individuals who are skilled in getting the bullies of life to back the fuck off.
VICE does not advocate the use of violence or illegal activity, nor do we advise you to put yourself into a position of danger.

Click through below to read intimidation tips from:
THE GANGSTERTHE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE AND HOSTAGE NEGOTIATORTHE BOUNCER AND FORMER SOCCER HOOLIGANTHE SUPERMARKET SECURITY GUARDTHE DRUG DEALERTHE DRAG QUEEN

How to Intimidate People

It started in the playground, where that sweaty bully dished out bad insults and made you feel like a putz. Years later, you’re still being intimidated: on the street at night, in job interviews, at pickup basketball games, when someone says something nasty to you in the bar—in all these situations you’re stuck being the victim rather than the aggressor, the one who has to back down while your tormentor grins that shit-eating grin at you. Don’t you wish there was a way to shut him or her up, to force that clown into a humiliating retreat? Not by throwing a punch, of course, since that could end with you in a jail cell or badly beaten or both. You’re going to win this fight without it ever becoming a fight.

The problem is, not everybody has a natural knack for intimidation. Practice makes perfect, but since firsthand research in this field can be slightly hazardous, I thought I’d get some pointers from a group of individuals who are skilled in getting the bullies of life to back the fuck off.

VICE does not advocate the use of violence or illegal activity, nor do we advise you to put yourself into a position of danger.

Click through below to read intimidation tips from:

THE GANGSTER
THE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE AND HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
THE BOUNCER AND FORMER SOCCER HOOLIGAN
THE SUPERMARKET SECURITY GUARD
THE DRUG DEALER
THE DRAG QUEEN

How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend
All good things come to an end. But it’d be weird to think that good things have a monopoly on ending; shitty things end too, only with those it’s usually down to you to call them off.
If your boyfriend has become a shitty thing in your life, then it’s time to tourniquet that creep. Here’s how to do it in seven easy steps (each of them inspired by the good people at WikiHow).
STEP 1. MAKE SURE YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND
A feeling of utter disgust in his presence; avoiding his kisses; rolling your eyes at his jokes; creating arguments out of thin air about how fucking much you hate soup just so he leaves you alone. If two or more of these things sound like you right now, then it’s time you made a break. It’s one thing to split up with someone, it’s another to carpet bomb all their happy memories of young love with the image of you screaming at them in the street because they had the gall to make you minestrone for “dinner.”
If you’re still not sure, think long and hard: What are his most annoying habits? Everyone has their own irritation threshold. Maybe you’d kick a sweet guy to the curb just because he occasionally picks his nose; maybe for you it takes more, like him “sleepwalking” into your roommates’ bed after a heavy midweek FIFA session.
There are a billion reasons to break up with someone. The main thing to get straight in your head is whether or not that reason really matters to you. Be selfish; the world is a lonely place and it’s about to turn cold and grey again. Before you commit to being alone this winter, you should be 100 percent certain that you hate your boyfriend’s guts.

Dungarees, jacket and T-shirt from Beyond Retro, choker by Freedom at Topshop
STEP 2. MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND THINK BREAKING UP WAS HIS IDEA
Now that you’ve made your decision, it’s time to make him think it was really his all along. Maybe he “hasn’t been happy for ages anyway,” maybe you’re “about to undergo genital warts removal surgery,” maybe he’s simply “too good” for you. 
Turn those arguments into a brief speech, write it down and take it with you wherever you go so that you can memorise it while you’re on the bus or busy “clearing your head” with vodka in your favorite out-of-town friend’s bedroom.
Continue

How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend

All good things come to an end. But it’d be weird to think that good things have a monopoly on ending; shitty things end too, only with those it’s usually down to you to call them off.

If your boyfriend has become a shitty thing in your life, then it’s time to tourniquet that creep. Here’s how to do it in seven easy steps (each of them inspired by the good people at WikiHow).

STEP 1. MAKE SURE YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

A feeling of utter disgust in his presence; avoiding his kisses; rolling your eyes at his jokes; creating arguments out of thin air about how fucking much you hate soup just so he leaves you alone. If two or more of these things sound like you right now, then it’s time you made a break. It’s one thing to split up with someone, it’s another to carpet bomb all their happy memories of young love with the image of you screaming at them in the street because they had the gall to make you minestrone for “dinner.”

If you’re still not sure, think long and hard: What are his most annoying habits? Everyone has their own irritation threshold. Maybe you’d kick a sweet guy to the curb just because he occasionally picks his nose; maybe for you it takes more, like him “sleepwalking” into your roommates’ bed after a heavy midweek FIFA session.

There are a billion reasons to break up with someone. The main thing to get straight in your head is whether or not that reason really matters to you. Be selfish; the world is a lonely place and it’s about to turn cold and grey again. Before you commit to being alone this winter, you should be 100 percent certain that you hate your boyfriend’s guts.

Dungarees, jacket and T-shirt from Beyond Retro, choker by Freedom at Topshop

STEP 2. MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND THINK BREAKING UP WAS HIS IDEA

Now that you’ve made your decision, it’s time to make him think it was really his all along. Maybe he “hasn’t been happy for ages anyway,” maybe you’re “about to undergo genital warts removal surgery,” maybe he’s simply “too good” for you. 

Turn those arguments into a brief speech, write it down and take it with you wherever you go so that you can memorise it while you’re on the bus or busy “clearing your head” with vodka in your favorite out-of-town friend’s bedroom.

Continue

How Guys Should Greet Each Other in 2014
I am a young man, and with daily regularity, I move through a metropolitan area. In this area, there are tons of people that I don’t know. A smaller number of these people I actually do know personally, but in varying degrees.
Greeting women isn’t all that complex: I kiss my female friends on the cheek, I usually greet my girlfriend with a kiss on the lips and women who insist on a hug, I usually greet with a bow.
Greeting men, on the other hand, is more complicated. Men from different social classes greet each other in different ways. Since a greeting is a form of contact that implies a first meeting (be it ever, or just on that particular day), discussing the means of greeting your counterpart properly beforehand is basically impossible. Which is why shit like the gif above happens every day.
These clumsy ways of greeting other males from different backgrounds catch me off guard every once in a while. So, to avoid further embarrassment, I have summed up some of the most popular greetings, complete with gifs and guidelines on how to pull them off successfully—as well as the mortifying pitfalls of fucking them up.
THE HANDSHAKE
HOW TO DO IT RIGHT:

It’s completely natural to forget somebody’s name, so don’t worry about that. But do remember that every time you avoid eye contact during a handshake, somewhere on the planet a panda nursery explodes.
The moment: Self-explanatory. First introductions and formal occasions.Do shake: Fathers-in-law, dentists and undertakers.Don’t shake: Exes. That classmate you used to scavenge 7-Eleven with after school in search of rolling papers and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
Continue

How Guys Should Greet Each Other in 2014

I am a young man, and with daily regularity, I move through a metropolitan area. In this area, there are tons of people that I don’t know. A smaller number of these people I actually do know personally, but in varying degrees.

Greeting women isn’t all that complex: I kiss my female friends on the cheek, I usually greet my girlfriend with a kiss on the lips and women who insist on a hug, I usually greet with a bow.

Greeting men, on the other hand, is more complicated. Men from different social classes greet each other in different ways. Since a greeting is a form of contact that implies a first meeting (be it ever, or just on that particular day), discussing the means of greeting your counterpart properly beforehand is basically impossible. Which is why shit like the gif above happens every day.

These clumsy ways of greeting other males from different backgrounds catch me off guard every once in a while. So, to avoid further embarrassment, I have summed up some of the most popular greetings, complete with gifs and guidelines on how to pull them off successfully—as well as the mortifying pitfalls of fucking them up.

THE HANDSHAKE

HOW TO DO IT RIGHT:

It’s completely natural to forget somebody’s name, so don’t worry about that. But do remember that every time you avoid eye contact during a handshake, somewhere on the planet a panda nursery explodes.

The moment: Self-explanatory. First introductions and formal occasions.
Do shake: Fathers-in-law, dentists and undertakers.
Don’t shake: Exes. That classmate you used to scavenge 7-Eleven with after school in search of rolling papers and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Continue

Here Are More Reasons Why Girls Should Only Have Anal Sex
After my two-year-old butt sex article went viral recently for some weird, perverted reason, I decided to look it over again. Upon review, I was absolutely horrified. Not because of what I had written, but what I’d forgotten to mention. There are so many better, more obvious reasons why girls should literally only have anal sex and nothing else. I’m sorry for being so neglectful. It was truly an irresponsible disposal on my account, focusing solely on sensory delight and passivity—in reality, there are far more relevant reasons why every female ought to be prohibited from all sexual acts excluding anal intercourse.
They are as follows:
NO PREGNANCY
Never mind the purely selfish reasons why you wouldn’t want a human larva ruining your life—let’s look at this from a socio-environmental standpoint. The human population is expected to reach 8 billion by the year 2025. We have no way to feed all of these people, and what would we do with the sewage if we could? Even now, with 7 billion people on Earth, more than 200 million tons of human waste goes untreated every year.
Think about that before you freak out over a little poop on your boyfriend’s peener. It’s a small price to pay for not living a literally shitty existence. Overpopulation is a colossal nightmare that we, as a species, can no longer physically withstand. That is exactly why anal sex is so important.
You can’t grow a baby in your ass, but you can have an orgasm if you try a little.
If girls were to engage only in anal intercourse, there would be fewer humans on Earth, and therefore less resource depletion, and perhaps a better quality of life for the rest of civilization. Only through these swollen, pulsating lips may we still find our planet hospitable. Forget those stupid solar roadways—anal sex can single-handedly lead us toward a future of sustainability and hope.
Continue

Here Are More Reasons Why Girls Should Only Have Anal Sex

After my two-year-old butt sex article went viral recently for some weird, perverted reason, I decided to look it over again. Upon review, I was absolutely horrified. Not because of what I had written, but what I’d forgotten to mention. There are so many better, more obvious reasons why girls should literally only have anal sex and nothing else. I’m sorry for being so neglectful. It was truly an irresponsible disposal on my account, focusing solely on sensory delight and passivity—in reality, there are far more relevant reasons why every female ought to be prohibited from all sexual acts excluding anal intercourse.

They are as follows:

NO PREGNANCY

Never mind the purely selfish reasons why you wouldn’t want a human larva ruining your life—let’s look at this from a socio-environmental standpoint. The human population is expected to reach 8 billion by the year 2025. We have no way to feed all of these people, and what would we do with the sewage if we could? Even now, with 7 billion people on Earth, more than 200 million tons of human waste goes untreated every year.

Think about that before you freak out over a little poop on your boyfriend’s peener. It’s a small price to pay for not living a literally shitty existence. Overpopulation is a colossal nightmare that we, as a species, can no longer physically withstand. That is exactly why anal sex is so important.

You can’t grow a baby in your ass, but you can have an orgasm if you try a little.

If girls were to engage only in anal intercourse, there would be fewer humans on Earth, and therefore less resource depletion, and perhaps a better quality of life for the rest of civilization. Only through these swollen, pulsating lips may we still find our planet hospitable. Forget those stupid solar roadways—anal sex can single-handedly lead us toward a future of sustainability and hope.

Continue

The VICE Guide to Amsterdam 2014
The Dutch capital is a compact museum city being sunk into its canals by rich Americans staring at Rembrandts and the revolving cast of perverts and drug addicts who infest the red light district. Here’s how to not be awful in Amsterdam.
Jump to sections by using the index below:
– WHERE TO PARTY– WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH DRUGS?– POLITICS, PROTESTS, AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?   Screw in the Park but Don’t Wear Soccer Cleats | Protests? What Protests? |Immigration– WHERE TO EAT– WHAT DO LOCALS EAT?– LGBT AMSTERDAM– WHERE TO DRINK– WHERE TO STAY– WHERE TO HANG OUT WHEN YOU’RE SOBER– HOW TO AVOID GETTING RIPPED OFF AND BEATEN UP– HOW NOT TO BE A SHITTY TOURIST– PEOPLE AND PLACES TO AVOID– TIPPING AND HANDY PHRASES– A YOUTUBE PLAYLIST OF QUESTIONABLE LOCAL MUSIC– VICE CITY MAP

The VICE Guide to Amsterdam 2014

The Dutch capital is a compact museum city being sunk into its canals by rich Americans staring at Rembrandts and the revolving cast of perverts and drug addicts who infest the red light district. Here’s how to not be awful in Amsterdam.

Jump to sections by using the index below:

– WHERE TO PARTY
– WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH DRUGS?
– POLITICS, PROTESTS, AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?
   Screw in the Park but Don’t Wear Soccer Cleats | Protests? What Protests? |Immigration
– WHERE TO EAT
– WHAT DO LOCALS EAT?
– LGBT AMSTERDAM
– WHERE TO DRINK
– WHERE TO STAY
– WHERE TO HANG OUT WHEN YOU’RE SOBER
– HOW TO AVOID GETTING RIPPED OFF AND BEATEN UP
– HOW NOT TO BE A SHITTY TOURIST
– PEOPLE AND PLACES TO AVOID
– TIPPING AND HANDY PHRASES
– A YOUTUBE PLAYLIST OF QUESTIONABLE LOCAL MUSIC
– VICE CITY MAP

Hey, Young Person—in Case You Plan on Dying, Here’s How to Write a Will
Being in the 15–24 year old demographic is pretty freakin’ sweet. Nobody expects you to be responsible or employed, and you’re still living at home, playing Angry Birds: Star Warson the phone your parents bought you. This frees up a lot of time for unbridled drug use, alcohol poisoning, reckless driving, climbing structures that would best be left unclimbed, moshing, punching people in the head, and other stupid shit that is liable to get you killed. As a generation we’ve got the highest number of accidental deaths, by far. Mostly thanks to car accidents. Thanks.
The fact is, you’re going to die. Probably sooner rather than later. And when that happens, who do you think will get all of your wacky, vintage junk? That’s right, your lame parents. And what are they going to do with it the moment they’re done grieving? That’s right, it’s going straight in the fucking trash where it belongs, now that you’re dead. 
For your pre-mortal benefit, we called up Florida estate attorney Grady H. Williams Jr., LLM, of FloridaElder.com (whose hold music was Bobby Fuller’s “I Fought the Law”) for some info about getting a will and testament set up so you’ll have one less thing to worry about while texting Aaron the story of you getting sucked while off going 90 in the Civic.
via Wikipedia
VICE: Mr. Williams, what happens to my stuff if I don’t have a will and I drive into the ocean on my scooter because I’m distracted by a Google Glass update?Grady H. Williams Jr.: Here’s the deal: If you don’t have a will that is legally enforceable upon your death, then your state or jurisdiction has a default will for you called an intestate succession. That’s legal talk for how the state legislature thinks your property, your stuff, your legal rights should be passed upon your death, based on your marital status. If you’ve got someone like my son, for example—who as far as I know is single with no kids—if he deceases tomorrow, then his mother and I are his heirs. Whereas if he had a one-year-old child we didn’t know about, that child would become his heir.
So it’s probably important to set up a will if you don’t want your mama, baby mama, or baby baby to inherit your collection of female-bodybuilder VHS porn, or whatever.Depending on what you’re trying to accomplish versus what your default position is, yes, it may be very important to you. On the other hand, if you don’t have anything, or if you’re perfectly happy with your parents or children or wife getting everything, that may be OK.
Continue

Hey, Young Person—in Case You Plan on Dying, Here’s How to Write a Will

Being in the 15–24 year old demographic is pretty freakin’ sweet. Nobody expects you to be responsible or employed, and you’re still living at home, playing Angry Birds: Star Warson the phone your parents bought you. This frees up a lot of time for unbridled drug use, alcohol poisoning, reckless driving, climbing structures that would best be left unclimbed, moshing, punching people in the head, and other stupid shit that is liable to get you killed. As a generation we’ve got the highest number of accidental deaths, by far. Mostly thanks to car accidents. Thanks.

The fact is, you’re going to die. Probably sooner rather than later. And when that happens, who do you think will get all of your wacky, vintage junk? That’s right, your lame parents. And what are they going to do with it the moment they’re done grieving? That’s right, it’s going straight in the fucking trash where it belongs, now that you’re dead. 

For your pre-mortal benefit, we called up Florida estate attorney Grady H. Williams Jr., LLM, of FloridaElder.com (whose hold music was Bobby Fuller’s “I Fought the Law”) for some info about getting a will and testament set up so you’ll have one less thing to worry about while texting Aaron the story of you getting sucked while off going 90 in the Civic.


via Wikipedia

VICE: Mr. Williams, what happens to my stuff if I don’t have a will and I drive into the ocean on my scooter because I’m distracted by a Google Glass update?
Grady H. Williams Jr.: Here’s the deal: If you don’t have a will that is legally enforceable upon your death, then your state or jurisdiction has a default will for you called an intestate succession. That’s legal talk for how the state legislature thinks your property, your stuff, your legal rights should be passed upon your death, based on your marital status. If you’ve got someone like my son, for example—who as far as I know is single with no kids—if he deceases tomorrow, then his mother and I are his heirs. Whereas if he had a one-year-old child we didn’t know about, that child would become his heir.

So it’s probably important to set up a will if you don’t want your mama, baby mama, or baby baby to inherit your collection of female-bodybuilder VHS porn, or whatever.
Depending on what you’re trying to accomplish versus what your default position is, yes, it may be very important to you. On the other hand, if you don’t have anything, or if you’re perfectly happy with your parents or children or wife getting everything, that may be OK.

Continue

The VICE Guide to Berlin 2014
The German capital is one of the planet’s great party cities, where your every dream and darkest desire has been turned into a three-story nightclub with a merciless door policy. Sadly, everybody in the world knows this, so the only thing worse than the stupid fucking lines outside the clubs are the infuriating tourists within them. Here’s how to avoid pissing off the locals and convince everyone that you’re ein Berliner.
Jump to sections by using the index below:
– WHERE TO PARTY– WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH DRUGS?– POLITICS, PROTESTS AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?   Legacy of the Squatters | May Day, Refugee Strikes and Neo-Nazis | Berlin’s Immigrants– WHERE TO EAT– WHAT DO LOCALS EAT?– WHERE TO DRINK– WHERE TO STAY– LGBT BERLIN– WHERE TO HANG OUT WHEN YOU’RE SOBER– HOW TO AVOID GETTING RIPPED OFF AND BEATEN UP– HOW NOT TO BE A SHITTY TOURIST– PEOPLE AND PLACES TO AVOID– TIPPING AND HANDY PHRASES– A YOUTUBE PLAYLIST OF QUESTIONABLE LOCAL MUSIC– VICE CITY MAP

The VICE Guide to Berlin 2014

The German capital is one of the planet’s great party cities, where your every dream and darkest desire has been turned into a three-story nightclub with a merciless door policy. Sadly, everybody in the world knows this, so the only thing worse than the stupid fucking lines outside the clubs are the infuriating tourists within them. Here’s how to avoid pissing off the locals and convince everyone that you’re ein Berliner.

Jump to sections by using the index below:

– WHERE TO PARTY
– WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH DRUGS?
– POLITICS, PROTESTS AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?
   Legacy of the Squatters | May Day, Refugee Strikes and Neo-Nazis | Berlin’s Immigrants
– WHERE TO EAT
– WHAT DO LOCALS EAT?
– WHERE TO DRINK
– WHERE TO STAY
– LGBT BERLIN
– WHERE TO HANG OUT WHEN YOU’RE SOBER
– HOW TO AVOID GETTING RIPPED OFF AND BEATEN UP
– HOW NOT TO BE A SHITTY TOURIST
– PEOPLE AND PLACES TO AVOID
– TIPPING AND HANDY PHRASES
– A YOUTUBE PLAYLIST OF QUESTIONABLE LOCAL MUSIC
– VICE CITY MAP

The VICE Guide to Paris 2014
The three-day strikes might be a thing of the past, but some things endure in the French capital: The techno DJs are still pricks, the waiters are still rude and the big nightclubs still suck. The best of Paris is hidden from view, whether it’s drag queen vogueing parties or raves in the suburbs. So read our guide and figure out the most efficient way of having fun in this place.
Jump to sections by using the index below:
– WHERE TO PARTY– WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH DRUGS?– POLITICS, PROTESTS AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?– WHERE TO EAT– WHAT DO LOCALS EAT?– WHERE TO DRINK– WHERE TO STAY– LGBT PARIS– WHERE TO HANG OUT WHEN YOU’RE SOBER– HOW TO AVOID GETTING RIPPED OFF AND BEATEN UP– HOW NOT TO BE A SHITTY TOURIST– PEOPLE AND PLACES TO AVOID– TIPPING AND HANDY PHRASES– A YOUTUBE PLAYLIST OF QUESTIONABLE LOCAL MUSIC– VICE CITY MAP

The VICE Guide to Paris 2014

The three-day strikes might be a thing of the past, but some things endure in the French capital: The techno DJs are still pricks, the waiters are still rude and the big nightclubs still suck. The best of Paris is hidden from view, whether it’s drag queen vogueing parties or raves in the suburbs. So read our guide and figure out the most efficient way of having fun in this place.

Jump to sections by using the index below:

– WHERE TO PARTY
– WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH DRUGS?
– POLITICS, PROTESTS AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?
– WHERE TO EAT
– WHAT DO LOCALS EAT?
– WHERE TO DRINK
– WHERE TO STAY
– LGBT PARIS
– WHERE TO HANG OUT WHEN YOU’RE SOBER
– HOW TO AVOID GETTING RIPPED OFF AND BEATEN UP
– HOW NOT TO BE A SHITTY TOURIST
– PEOPLE AND PLACES TO AVOID
– TIPPING AND HANDY PHRASES
– A YOUTUBE PLAYLIST OF QUESTIONABLE LOCAL MUSIC
– VICE CITY MAP

Avoidsex on the beach: “Sand gets everywhere” is the cliched advice. Arguably more persuasive is the advice that, these days, so do people’s cameras.
—A Girl’s Guide to Not Being a Dick This Summer
 

Avoidsex on the beach: “Sand gets everywhere” is the cliched advice. Arguably more persuasive is the advice that, these days, so do people’s cameras.

—A Girl’s Guide to Not Being a Dick This Summer

 

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