The Raelian UFO Cult Would Be Happy to Baptize Pope Francis
By now, you’ve probably heard that Pope Francis is cool with aliens. In an out of the blue nod to the possibility of extraterrestrial life, the Pontiff told a Vatican City audience this week that he would definitely baptize aliens, if they landed in St. Peter’s Square and asked for a forehead sprinkling. The way the Pope sees it, Catholic baptism is a lot like an open bar at the Star WarsCantina, where gays, atheists, unwanted children, and little green men can all receive the Holy Spirit (no droids though). Because, as he said this week, “who are we to close doors?”
“If—for example—tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us, here,” the Pope half-joked in his homily. “Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them…. And one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?”
The problem, naturally, is that aliens have no interest in being Catholic, at least according to the International Raelian Movement, a UFO religion whose followers believe humans were created by an advanced extraterrestrial species known as the Elohim. In fact, Raelian leaders are offended that the Pope would even suggest baptism.
“There will be no need to baptize those he calls ‘aliens’ when they decide to come back,” the movement’s founder and spiritual leader, Rael, said in a strongly worded statement Thursday. “They are the ones who created all religions on Earth, and they were mistakenly taken for gods. Instead of offering them baptism, the Pope will have to acknowledge that they are the gods he has been praying to all along.”
What’s the Best Gun to Conceal Inside Your Vagina?
Hey, did you hear the one about Jennifer McCarthy, the ex-wife of famous author Cormac McCarthy, who pulled a gun out of her vagina during an argument she was having with her boyfriend about aliens? Via the Wire:
“According to the Albuquerque Journal, McCarthy reportedly stormed out during a fight over extraterrestrial life with her unnamed boyfriend and then returned with a plan for vengeance. The police report describes how she went to her bedroom, dressed up in lingerie, put the gun in a place no guns should go, then somehow performed an unspecified sex act with the gun insider her. Naturally, that was just a prelude to pulling the gun out, pointing it at her boyfriend, and asking the presumably rhetorical question “Who is crazy, you or me?”
Anonymous boyfriend took the gun away and dropped it in the toilet. McCarthy then took it back, so he just threw it in the trash.”
There are a lot of questions left unanswered by this story, which is a real thing that happened in New Mexico and has been picked up by many well-respected media outlets. Question 1: Whatkind of argument about aliens was it? Were they debating whether aliens exist, whether they had visited Earth, or was it a more abstract discussion about the Drake Equation? Question 2: The sex act has got to be a blowjob, right? Or was she, like, using the gun on herself? Question 3: Are the two of them still a coupe? Question 4: Was it all the way up in there, or did she just sort of rest the barrel inside herself?
Most importantly, what the heck kind of gun did she have that she could fit into her womanhood? Putting aside juvenile jokes about Ms. McCarthy’s unmentionables being especially loose or wide or whatever, vaginas just aren’t very big. What sort of firearm could she have been packing, and if you’re a lady who has decided that vaginal conceal-carry is right for you, what’s the best gun to purchase? Here are a few options:
North American Arms Mini Revolver 22 LR 1 1/8”
Say hello to my little friend! Ha ha, that was just some “pulling a gun out of my vagina” humor there, sorry. Seriously, this weapon is marketed as “the most famous tiny pistol in the world,” and with that laminated rosewood finish on the grip, it’s easy to see why. More importantly, it’s just under two and a half inches high and four inches long, meaning that you don’t have to be Galactus, Devourer of Worlds down there to fit it in.
Sig P238 380 ACP, Pearl Grips, Black Multi-Tone Finish
We found this beauty of a gem online for $729.99, so it’s no bargain, but for a respectable woman of means, there’s no reason the gun that she pulls out of her vagina to settle an argument about aliens or end a tedious dinner party conversations shouldn’t be every bit as classy as the rest of her outfit. The polished, engraved slide and the pearl white grips will be appreciated by whoever is unlucky enough to get a look at this piece, and though it might be a bit tricky to get the 3.9-inch height in, every good woman knows that some things are worth the effort.
Esquire’s Interview with Megan Fox Is the Worst Thing Ever Written
The cover story of this month’s Esquire is an interview with Megan Fox by Stephen Marche. And though I haven’t read every single thing that has ever been written, I can say, with confidence, that it is the worst thing that anybody has ever written. Ever.
It’s fucking LONG, and I know you’re busy, so here are the worst things about it.
THE WAY THE WRITER DESCRIBES HOW ATTRACTIVE MEGAN FOX IS
Megan Fox is good looking. There are various photos of her throughout the article that back this up. But just in case it’s not clear, the author breaks down her beauty in a number of riiiiiiiidiculous ways. Including:
"[Her skin is] the color the moon possesses in the thin air of northern winters."
"Megan Fox is a bombshell. To be a bombshell in 2013 is to be an antiquity, an old-world relic, like movie palaces or fountain pens or the muscle cars of the 1970s or the pinball machines in the basement. Bombshells once used to roam the cultural landscape like buffalo, and like buffalo they were edging toward extinction."
"The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.”
The symmetry of her face is “genuinely shocking”? I’m imagining the author arriving for the interview, seeing her face for the first time and leaping back, letting out an audible gasp, “God, Megan, I am SO sorry! It’s just your face… It’s so…”
"Symmetrical?" Megan will have asked, forlorn, "I get that a lot… *sigh*.”
THE WEIRD AZTEC METAPHOR THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE
"Deep in her house, Megan Fox and I are discussing human sacrifice. I tell her about an Aztec ritual practiced five hundred years ago in ancient Mexico during the feast of Toxcatl, when the Aztecs picked a perfect youth to live among them as a god. He was a paragon, beautiful and fit and healthy, with ideal proportions…
"The sacrifice’s year was filled with constant delight, I tell her. He danced through the streets adorned in luxurious clothes given to him by the master, decked in flowers and incense, playing magical flutes that brought prosperity to the whole world. He had eight servants and four virgins to attend to his every need and could wander wherever he pleased. But at the end of the year, when the feast of Toxcatl came around again, the perfect youth had to smash his flutes and climb the stairs of the great temple, where the priests would cut out his heart and offer it, still beating, to the sun.
"Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec. She’s a screen saver on a teenage boy’s laptop, a middle-aged lawyer’s shower fantasy, a sexual prop used to sell movies and jeans.
'It's so similar. It totally is,' she says quietly.
At the end of the year, the beautiful youth had to go up by himself. He had to go up willingly. That was part of the deal.
Now she is shaking her head. “Not everyone understands that that’s the deal,” she says.
Megan Fox will not go willingly to have her heart cut out.”
I understand that what occured the day of the interview probably wasn’t all that interesting. I’d imagine he sat opposite her while she talked about whatever movie she was contractually obliged to talk about. And then he had to find a way of making that seem interesting for five whole pages. But SURELY, any rational person, upon typing the sentence “Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec” would think ‘Wait, maybe this is a bit much? Perhaps I should take a break and have another try at this in the morning.’
And let’s just forget, for a second, that what he wrote doesn’t actually make any sense at all, and concentrate instead on Megan’s reaction to it. She fucking AGREED with him! Horrifying.
MEGAN FOX BELIEVES THAT BEING FAMOUS IS WORSE THAN BEING BULLIED
“‘I don’t think people understand,” she says. ‘They all think we should shut the fuck up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. So your life must be so great. What people don’t realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you’re being bullied by millions of people constantly.’”
When I was at school, there was a kid who everyone picked on because they thought he was gay. One day, a bunch of older kids dragged him into the PE showers and forcibly inserted a broom handle into his ass. Pretty sure he’d trade lives with you, Meg.
THE NOVELIZER -
AN INTERVIEW WITH ALAN DEAN FOSTER ON THE ART OF ADAPTING SCI-FI MOVIES INTO BOOKS
Even if you’ve never heard of the author Alan Dean Foster you definitely know the titles of his works: Alien,Aliens, Alien3, Transformers, Star Wars, The Thing, and many other novelizations of films. Over the past four decades, he has successfully reverse-engineered more than 30 movies based on original scripts into book form, making him the most prolific sci-fi novelizer of all time. And given the recent trend of studios forgoing the commission of novelizations, he may never have a successor.
While film novelization is often considered a base, mercenary source of income, devoid of literary merit and limited to the creation of cheap single-edition paperbacks with embossed covers, it has in fact been practiced by the most respected authors of science fiction. Orson Scott Card novelized The Abyss; Arthur C. Clarke wrote the novel 2001 at the same time he was hashing out the film’s screenplay with Kubrick; Isaac Asimov not only novelized Fantastic Voyage but followed it with a sequel, Fantastic Voyage II: Destination Brain; and Michael Moorcock novelized The Great Rock ’n’ Roll Swindle, a book based on a movie based on the Sex Pistols, who were based on an impresario’s idea of something that sounded like “sexy young assassins.”
Novelizations have existed since at least the 1920s, commissioned by studios as a way for moviegoers to relive their favorite science-fiction and horror films after leaving the theater. The advent of laserdiscs, VHS tapes, and DVDs threatened their existence, yet they persevered, finding new audiences into the 80s and 90s. Shortly after the turn of the millennium, the market for novelizations began to dry up; even a spate of new video-game novelizations could not restore vigor to what had once been a great (if not respected) sector of the publishing industry. How will the science-fiction fans of tomorrow satisfy their appetite for transmedia literature? Will novelizations still exist? I called Alan to find out, and we ended up talking about a lot of other things, too.
VICE: I’ve wanted to talk to you about the Alien novelizations for a while, but I’m glad it didn’t happen until Prometheus had come out because I’ve been wondering what you think of it.
Alan Dean Foster: I haven’t seen it yet.
Really? Why not?
Well, it comes from living in a small town where the nearest theater of any consequence, or the nearest theater period, is a 20-minute drive away; and the fact that my wife can’t go to the movies anymore because she can’t sit up that long; and the fact that I don’t live someplace like LA or New York or Boston where there’s a like-minded group of people to whom I can say, “Hey, let’s go see Prometheus.”
I’m amazed you could resist the temptation. You spent so much of your professional career immersed in the Alien franchise. Aren’t you curious?
It’s kind of funny because everyone talks about tipping points, and I think we’re nearing the tipping point where people will no longer go to see movies. They’ll read the reviews, they’ll see all the clips on YouTube and on io9 and TV and that’ll be about 90 percent of a movie. The actual movie won’t even have to be made. They’ll simply talk about the movie that would have been made, and shoot all the good stuff for the clips online. The reviewers will review the clips—and the rest of the movie, you’ll kind of just fill in the blanks yourself. I’m afraid that’s the way we’re headed, and I’m only being half-sarcastic.