I Went to a Class to Learn How to Financially Dominate Men
Last week, I went to a financial domination class in Downtown Los Angeles, hoping to learn valuable lessons on how to empower myself. After years of getting screwed over by the Man, I was ready to screw the Man myself. The class was at a place called the Den of Inequity, which is a BDSM club that also puts together workshops.
Financial domination, for the uninitiated, is a fetish where people (usually submissive men) pay money to a dominant female without any hope of sexual intercourse. The sheer thrill of being taken advantage of is enough to turn on the submissive male.
Most of the Den of Inequity’s workshops are on things like “cock and ball torture” and “whipping.” But, as a poor person with an amateur interest in verbally abusing people, I figured I’d go learn about financial domination. I go on drunken rants where I insult men all the time. Why, just the other night I sent a drunk text to my ex saying that we’d probably still be together if his dick was as big as his ego. So if I can make a few dollars doing what I love, why not?
Sticking Needles in Your Dick Is So Much Fun
We all know by now that the internet is full of horrors. My battle scars from virtual filth attacks are aplenty. I’ve had the cock windmill of Meatpsin burned into my psyche and endured eyeblasts of Goatse’s gaping men-anuses. But nothing I’ve ever seen prepared me for the visual assault I was hit with this morning when Allena Gabosh, the director of a BDSM club in Seattle, dropped a couple casual photos of a blood-spewing dick into my inbox.
“Probably my favorite scene I’ve ever done was putting needles in the head of a cock with a blood blister on it,” her email said, “And when I hit it the blood kind of just spurted in an arc and it was quite fun and silly and very messy!”
Needle play, the blanket term used to describe inserting needles into your body to get off, is quickly becoming one of the most popular forms of kink in the BDSM world. Signs of its ubiquity are even poking into the media: earlier this month, The Tokyo Reporterrather gleefully detailed how Yuka Fujisawa, an aging S&M queen in Kyoto, Japan, was arrested for withdrawing blood from the genitals of her male customers without proper licensing. The 43-year-old madam apparently used needles and syringes to prick three different dicks while engaging in “sexual services” over the last four months. She also told the police that she started performing needle play at an S&M club eight years prior. According to Fujisawa, “the practice had become a service performed on a routine basis.”
Slutever - San Francisco Sex Mecca
Karley has been feeling a bit oppressed lately by all the negative comments on her blog, like for examps when people call her a “desperate slut from hell” or “God’s period” and stuff. Luckily, through the magic of the internet and some casual #research, Karley discovered a magical, friendly place that’s all the way on the other side of America. A place where everyone is overwhelmingly positive and people love their neighbors (even if they’re kind of gross). Also, randomly, the biggest BDSM fair in the world takes place in this magical town. It’s called “San Francisco.” #Convenient! DID SOMEBODY SAY SLUTEVER WEST COAST MAKEOVER?!?!
WATCH IT HERE
Still Sexy After All These Years
Nobuyoshi Araki is a Japanese artist who unapologetically creates art around a central theme: sex. He has created over 450 books in his lifetime and has an uncanny ability to make anything and everything appear erotic. We interviewed Araki a while back and he seems like on old angry genius who thinks about photography constantly to an obsessive degree, and his outputs shows it. He is about to add another book to his catalog, because Taschen is releasing a limited edition retrospective of his favorite bondage imagery he’s compiled over his storied career. It even comes in its own wooden box, for safe keeping/hiding. Check out the photos of beautiful Japanese women who are tied up and ready above, if that sounds like something you’d be interested in.
Fifty Shades of Grey is the new BDSM novel currently dominating the nation’s menopausal demographic. Having dog-eared their daughters’ Twilight books too many times, these MILFs are passing around Fifty Shades like it’s the ultimate cure for dusty clitorises; a Huffington Post reviewer boasted that it’s so good, “you will actually want to have sex with your husband. Like, a lot.”
A quick scroll through some forums revealed that Fifty Shades started off as a Twilight fan-fic written by a user named “Snowqueens Icedragon” (lack of apostrophe is sic, and the writer, unfortunately, switched her pseudonym to the colorless E.L. James). Like in Twilight, the female character is still a young noob whose awkwardness is supposed to be kewt, and her lover is a menacing guy with a dark secret. UnlikeTwilight, instead of blood and fangs, though, you’ll get 300 pages of ass-whippings and anal beads.
Still confused about the book’s success? Here are the reasons I’ve come up with to explain why your mom’s vagina is currently groaning over her Kindle edition:
THE HEROINE WANTS TO FUCK AS SOON AS SHE MEETS HER GUY, BUT IS TOO SHY :(
Anastasia Steele—the cloying centerpiece of the story—falls in love with business tycoon Christian Grey from the mortifying second she trips and lands in his palatial office. The tension between them is like, whoa, and at one point Christian offers to take his pants off, but she fires back with the zinger: “Um.” Then she thinks to herself, “I must be the color of the communist manifesto.” Poor thing.
THERE’S A CRAZY TWIST
Even though he kisses and rubs his boner all over her in the elevator, ~30 seconds later Grey refuses to have sex with Anastasia until she agrees to sign a contract. She won’t lay off his d, though, so he flies her in his helicopter, Charie Tango (also the name of his cock), to his house so that he can reveal his big secret. Once they arrive, he tells her to enter his playroom. His playroom, it turns out, is “The Red Room Of Pain”—a “womb-like” dungeon filled with paddles, whips, riding crops, and dangling chain karabiners. Turns out Grey is exclusively interested in a dom-sub relationship (“I don’t make love… I fuck. Hard.”), and wants Anastasia to be his cock-worshiping slave bitch….
THERE’S A SECOND TWIST AFTER THE FIRST TWIST
…Except Anastasia is a virgin! In fact, she’s never even seen a penis before. So Grey reluctantly goes vanilla and teaches her the joys of making luuuuuurve before he eventually eases a paddle up her ass. Unsurprisingly, Anastasia morphs into a 24/7 hornball, delighting in her “very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle” while declaring, “My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
Continue: Moms & Daughters Are Creaming Over the Same Twilight Porn
Last week was a week of firsts for me. I began it by going to a spa in Park Slope to get my very first massage, and I ended it by going to a hotel in Manhattan to have my first session with a dominatrix. The theme of last week, apparently, was “touching.”
From the time I received the press release informing that San Francisco’s hottest dominatrix, January Seraph, was booking exclusive private sessions in NYC, to the night of my own session with her, my nerves and excitement level went on a serotonin roller coaster that started with “so kooky, so wild, I’m really doing this,” to “I’m terrified. I feel like I’m going to a haunted house.”
As I told January herself during our ice breaker convo, I’m no stranger to getting beat up by pretty women, but getting spanked by the girl you also watch Gossip Girl episodes with, and getting ball-gagged by a six-foot glamazon who pays her bills by making people cry out in pain is a different story.
For the sake of my GF, and also because I wasn’t too psyched on the idea of posting nudes of myself on the Internet, I left my clothes on. Even with the buffer of jeans, my ass stung a little as I rode the Subway home that night. I suspect that January took full advantage of her first time getting permission to beat the shit out of a reporter. OH! Look! It was a night of firsts for both of us!
Here’s my interview with January, which I have to add was REALLY awkward to transcribe because I left the tape recorder on during our session. Ever hear yourself making kissing noises on a boot before? It’s pretty cool.