NEVER PITCH ANY OF THESE THINGS TO US AGAIN
We receive lots of pitches here at VICE and roughly 75 percent of them are the things featured on the following list. So, just to be clear: We know that all of these things exist. Everybody does. I know you just got the internet and found eBaum’s World or googled “weird stuff” or whatever, but we’ve had the internet for a while now. So please stop sending us this stuff.
KILLING SOMEONE ON ACID
This was a real pitch we got from an intern. She planned to listen to Slayer while she did it and plead insanity if she got caught. At least that last bit makes sense.
We’ve covered this from every angle we possibly can. It’s about as popular as wrestling over here now, which is kind of sad, and the last thing it needs is more coverage. It was a key feature in half the episodes of Peep Show, for Christ’s sakes.
ART MADE OF BODILY FLUIDS
Looks like shit, smells like shit, and your name isn’t Chris Ofili? Then you’ve just made a shit. Well done, I made one this morning.
The new adult babies. Except they’re self-aware now.
FASHION SHOOTS THAT GOT CANNED FROM SOME OTHER MAGAZINE
We can tell, you know.
NINETY PERCENT OF TATTOO PITCHES
Some are actually pretty good, like this one: “I go and ask for misspelt tattoos, like ‘Joy Diversion’ or ‘Enter Sadman,’ and if the tattooist doesn’t point it out, I have to get it done.” That’s kind of great.
A NEW DRUG THAT ISN’T NEW, IT’S JUST MEPHEDRONE WITH A NEW NAME
Don’t make us stay up gurning for a whole night just to work out that this one does root canal in your brain and makes you want to kill yourself for three days as well. Mephedrone is the P. Diddy of drugs: Consistently reinventing itself, consistently awful.
INTERVIEWS WITH “UP-AND-COMING” BANDS THAT THE WRITER HAPPENS TO BE FRIENDS WITH
“Hey VICE. Are you guys plugged into the New Jersey scene, ATM? I’ve got some interview time with The Sheep on the eve of their single launch show. It’s going to be a homecoming, and these guys REALLY know how to play. They’re something of a hit with the ladies, if you know what I mean, so I think it’s safe to say you can expect some great photos ;) Anyway, hit me up, bro!” Nope.
Once a year, the people of Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire, UK, chase some huge hunks of cheese down a hill. Cute, but not exactly The VICE Guide to Liberia, is it? So why does everyone suggest we film it EVERY YEAR?
UNAMBITIOUS URBAN EXPLORATION
What’s that? Managed to get on the rooftop of a high-rise in Manhattan? Then you twiddled your thumbs, smoked a joint, and went home, right? It’s not exactly doing cartwheels along the girders of an 800-foot suspension bridge or exploring decommissioned nuclear silos in Nowheresville, US, is it? (Note: Please don’t take that as a challenge to go out and replicate these things, you don’t deserve to die or get arrested for having a shitty imagination.)
SEXY AGONY AUNT COLUMN
My advice? Don’t have sex—it makes your fingers smell horrible.
PHOTO STORIES ABOUT HOMELESS PEOPLE
So you’ve noticed that there are people begging at Union Station? What an exemplar of humanity you are. The rest of us go through our lives with our new media blinkers on, unmoved by anything other than the latest trends… but you, you stop to notice the forgotten souls of our streets. Then you take photos of them, and then you sell those photos. I hope someone stabs you with a syringe.