(Source: Vice Magazine)
(Source: Vice Magazine)
Music writer Sophie Saint Thomas of Shuffle and Splooge fame breaks down what it’s like to not just bone down with musically inclined people, but take that extra step and date them. Do people even do that anymore? Seems gross.
You will never be his girlfriend (or her girlfriend, or his boyfriend). You must obsessively check their genitals for signs of herpes and always use a condom, even a god damn dental damn with these fools because they’re sleeping with a minimum of six other people. You will be forced to socialize with many French people and drink a lot of Tito’s Vodka. Any sex you have will be very drunk and bad at 5 in the morning because DJs do not sleep. They’ll ditch you at Le Poisson Rouge for new blonde pussy. He’ll have a little penis, or perhaps just a very soft one due to MDMA consumption. Cease this relationship before abnormal discharge sets in.
After taking him to prom, you’ll de-virginize him in a tent in the woods and then he will never speak to you again. His older brothers and him form a somewhat successful country band, and despite their good looks all the older brothers are still virgins as they are strict Evangelicals. The youngest will forever remember you as the atheist whore who raped him.
For the first few weeks he’ll leave you love notes at your apartment after you’ve left for work. He’ll sleep until noon and then use your computer to watch Twin Peaks on Netflix. You’ll realize he’s technically unemployed and Google his last name to discover he has family money and feel simultaneously deceived yet relieved. You’ll do yoga in your apartment to his music and fool yourself into finding it original. You won’t care about how curved his penis is because he’s so good with his fingers. You discover female ejaculation is not a myth. The love notes stop. You realize his love is intense yet fleeting and that he’s struggling with a severe case of ADHD and rich white boy entitlement.
It’s been nearly three decades since the Big Boys commanded, “Now go start your own band!” For the most part, everyone has complied. There are more bands now than ever before, clogging nightclubs, burning millions of unwanted CDs, straining the nation’s broadband infrastructure. “Being in a band” has become the default activity for several generations of adventure-seeking youth, occupying the space previously held by “joining the military” and “having a career.”
Read the rest at Vice Magazine: THE VICE GUIDE TO NOT BEING IN A BAND - Vice Magazine