Name! That! Horrifying! Disease!
So it’s like going to the gym for your vagina?
Yeah, but it’s not like you’re maxing out. You’re not picking up pianos with your vagina—you’re picking up blueberries, so don’t squish them and make a mess. It’s very gentle.
You’re Doing Kegels Wrong
Most people know Kegels as a lady-business exercise that women do to heal their vaginas after they’ve had a baby, or something older women try in an attempt to delay the inevitable need for diapers, or what young women do when they’re trying to keep their lower-half in tiptop condition.
What you might not know is that there are levels to this shit. First, both men and women can benefit from exercising the pelvic floor (aka the area and muscle fibers covering the space underneath your pelvis). It can improve your orgasms and posture, and it doesn’t involve going to the gym (the most effective workout for your pelvic floor is sex). Still, there’s a lot of misinformation about what Kegels and pelvic floor exercises can and cannot do.
I wanted to get down to the brass tacks of genital strength improvement, so I called registered pelvic-floor physiotherapist Julia Di Paolo—a 17-year veteran of the physiotherapy world, four of which have been spent as one of Toronto’s 54 trained pelvic floor specialists—to learn more about preventing organs from sinking into your vagina, what you should do if you experience pain during sex, and why picking up an imaginary blueberry with your vagina may be the secret to better fuckin’.
VICE: What does a pelvic floor physiotherapist actually do?
Julia Di Paolo: We are regular registered physiotherapists, but we have specialized education, so it’s post-grad education. We are the only ones who go internal, which means fingers into the vagina or the rectum to assess the musculature of the pelvis. There’s a lot of muscles you can’t access from the outside, and some of them you can access, but not very easily. Going inside is the only way to tell if a muscle is too tight or too loose, or too short.
What kind of clients do you typically see?
I see a lot of women who are pregnant or just had their babies. And then we have a subset of the mothers of the women who just had their babies, because the women I treat go home and tell grandma, who is looking after the new baby, what they did, and she says, “well, I leak too,” and she comes to see me.
Women in menopause are at high risk because they’ve delivered babies years ago and then they have 20 or 30 years without pelvic support, so over 50 percent of them have prolapses—that’s when the organs kind of lean down into the vagina and aren’t supported anymore.
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This Man Has Survived on Pizza Alone for 25 Years
My friend Dan survives on nothing but pizza. There’s that phrase, “variety is the spice of life,” but for Dan, a 38-year-old woodworker based in Maryland, oregano is the only spice involved, because it’s the only thing that he will put on top of his pizza. The next time someone tells you to eat your vegetables, you can tell them to fuck off and enlighten them with the story of this guy.
Everyone who knows Dan wonders how he’s still alive. Beyond the fact that his diet is completely horrifying, he also has diabetes and frequently gets low blood sugar. When his blood sugar dips into the danger zone, it results in events like him blacking out on his kitchen floor in his underwear with frozen food scattered around him. There was that one time he bought a new car and then blacked out on the drive home. He swerved off the road and totaled the vehicle, but other than that isolated incident, his pizza diet seems to be working out for him. I recently spoke to Dan to hear more about how he came to subsist on gluten, tomato sauce, and cheese alone.
VICE: It’s been said that you’re the king of pizza. How did you get that reputation?
Dan Janssen: I’ve been eating pizza exclusively every day of my life for the past 25 years, and I’m not just talking about a slice of pizza every day. I usually eat an entire 14” pizza, and I only eat cheese pizza. I never get sick of it. If I go to one pizza shop or another brand, it’s like eating a completely different meal.
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This Guy Is Drunk All the Time Because His Body Brews Its Own Alcohol
Imagine if your body produced its own alcohol—that’d be pretty great, right? You’d always have a buzz on and you’d never have to pay for a drink. Well, that’s what happens when you’re a victim of auto-brewery syndrome, a.k.a. gut fermentation syndrome—excesses of yeast trapped in sufferers’ small intestines create alcohol that gets absorbed directly into their bloodstreams. Sadly, this isn’t a 24/7 party, as this leads to those with the syndrome being hungover constantly.
Matthew Hogg has been a sufferer of the syndrome for almost 20 years. Every time he eats sugar or carbohydrates, his body converts them into ethanol and he ends up either tipsy or hungover. I gave him a call to chat about what it’s like being a walking human brewery.
VICE: When did you first realize that your gut creates its own alcohol?
Matthew Hogg: I suffered from digestive upsets throughout my childhood. I was initially diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, but in my teens I experienced a severe worsening of symptoms, like bloating and gas after meals—so much so that I could feel the bubbling of fermentation occurring in my lower abdomen. More worryingly, I developed new, quite frightening symptoms. I would feel intoxicated, as well as a long list of whole-body symptoms, including chronic fatigue, muscular aches and pains, chronic headaches, mental impairment, mood disturbances, and so on.
Did you feel hungover afterwards?
Yeah, by my late teens I was experiencing severe alcoholic hangovers that would usually be at their worst the morning after eating a high carbohydrate meal. I’d get pounding headaches, severe nausea, occasional vomiting, dehydration, dry mouth, cold sweats, and shaky hands. It was as if I’d been out the previous night and drunk the bar dry, but I hadn’t consumed any alcohol.
Jesus, that sounds terrible. So when were you actually diagnosed with auto-brewery syndrome?
Eventually I was referred to a specialist in London, the late Dr. Keith Eaton. His test confirmed that my gut was producing large amounts of ethanol from yeast, as well as significant amounts of other alcohols associated with the metabolism of various bacteria. Dr. Eaton diagnosed me with auto-brewery syndrome, and this diagnosis has been confirmed by other doctors specializing in unusual and unrecognized chronic illnesses.
Women Are Lining up to Meet Dr. Rico, the Hottest Gynecologist Ever
Dr. Manuel Rico, the Spanish 24-year-old model-turned-gynecologist, has moved out of fashion and into pussy. Now, local press in the city of Concepcion, Chile, has reported a flood of patients lining up to be looked at by the sultry Dr. Rico.
Like something out of a desperate soap opera, all the women who waited at the hospital were healthy, according to Soy Chile. No yeast infections or even questionable scents. But all this celebrity hoopla in the hospital has raised the somewhat shallow argument of employing handsome doctors to improve public health.
After starting his medical studies last September at the University of Concepcion, Dr. Rico now works at the Region Hospital of Concepcion in Chile where he’s drawn a ton of attention—especially after a press conference to formally introduce the student. He basically turned into the Spanish version of McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy.
As one of 140 international students, Dr. Rico told the University of Concepcion that he prefers to study in Chile over Spain because of the “more humanistic,” approach to the patient. Spain “is more devoted to technology and the concept of disease,” he said.
Dr. Rico gained his fame in 2010 when he was awarded the King of Beauty in Spain. As a former model with Berta Models Management in Barcelona, he posed for Calvin Klein and Gucci, among others. Coincidentally, this dreamboat’s surname Rico means “rich” and “delicious” in Spanish.