It’s been a crazy year for VICE. Our HBO show was nominated for an Emmy, Ad Age called us the Publishing Company of the Year, and our YouTube channel hit almost 4 million subscribers. As a great man once said, “that shit’s cray.”
To celebrate 2013—and to give you something to do while sneaking sips of whisky and avoiding your family during Christmas—we’ve compiled the 30 best videos we released across our YouTube network for your viewing pleasure. 3D-printed guns, Soylent, West African truckers, and paintballing with Tyler, the Creator; it’s all there.
We’d say, “you’re welcome,” but we’d rather say, “thank you.” Thank you for making 2013 our favorite year since, like, forever.
Photos by Jill Beth Hannes
If you watch this video with the closed captioning on it generates new Fall lyrics
Watch chef/artist Julia Ziegler-Haynes teach you how to throw a holiday party on the fly. Get your friends wasted and well-fed on a strict budget and they’ll never realize that you’re a complete cheapskate!
A Holiday Gift Guide for Bigots
It’s Christmas time. And just because you’re a piece of shit with repellant views doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get to enjoy the season too. Below are our pick of gifts available from organizations designated as “hate groups” by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Perfect for zealots of any ideology.
Clockwise from top left:
"White Pride World Wide" Hand Towel ($12.75 - via)
Who does your money go to support? - Aryan Wear
Who are they? - Online store selling merchandise geared towards white supermacists.
Sarah Palin Bobblehead ($16.97 - via)
Who does your money go to support? - World Net Daily
Who are they? - Super-conservative online publication with an anti-gay agenda. Also big fans of the Obama “birther” stuff.
"THIS IS AMERICA WHY MUST WE PRESS 1 TO PROCEED IN ENGLISH" Dog T-Shirt ($22.99 - via)
Who does your money go to support? - Casa D’ice
Who are they? - Restaurant in Pennsylvania, famous for the sign in their parking lot which displays messages like “It’s time to bomb the hell out of Iraq, make it a giant litter box, take damn oil, bring our soldiers home, and out source the war.”
Hallmark Is Taking the Gay Out of Christmas Carols
Hallmark, a chain of stores whose name is shorthand for “bullshit sentimentality for the lowest common denominator,” is selling a Christmas ornament that changes the word “gay” in the Christmas carol “Deck the Halls” to “fun.” The product description does nothing to address taking out the word “gay.” It only adds confusion:
"When it comes to Christmas sweaters, gaudy can be good! Hang up this flashy sweater to make your tree’s outfit complete. With its catchy phrase, Don we now our FUN apparel! everyone will be in on the joke."
I’m not sure what they mean when they say “everyone will be in on the joke.” It’s a really odd choice, actually. Is the joke about ugly sweaters? Because it’s distractingly obvious that the word “gay” has been switched out. Is that part of the joke? That “fun” is code for “gay”? That would be somewhat of a reversal when it comes to how the definition of that word “gay” has progressed. Is the joke that ugly sweaters are flamboyant, and thus “gay,” and now that we’ve changed the word to “fun,” you don’t have to be gay to enjoy them? I’m seriously asking.
Welcome to Christmas, Florida
It was hot enough to burn the dead lovebugs on my car’s hood. Farmland and pine trees were on the horizon, streets named after eight reindeer and brown wreaths hung on mailboxes. It’s not a holiday for the people of Christmas, Florida.
Christmas sits between Orlando and Cape Canaveral. The yuletide name of the community comes from the Second Seminole War. On December 25th, 1837, more than 2,000 US soldiers built a supply fort for the war. They never saw a day of battle. The place today seems like an outpost vibrating with its pioneer past.
Highway 50 runs straight into Country Craft ‘n Christmas. This year-round holiday store looks like a winter cottage airdropped into Florida-cracker land.
“First thing that I do in the morning, change out the numbers,” Becky Hamilton said.
Hamilton opened her doors in 2001, as owner and operator, always wanting to own a X-mas gift store.
Hamilton is more than just a business owner in Christmas, she is part of the historical association. She handed me some pamphlets for the Fort Christmas Museum.
“Why do I keep seeing the same last names popping up everywhere?” I asked.
“The town started with 21 pioneer families,” she said. “There are still descendants living in the community today.”
She then made a comment under her breath about cousins marrying through the years. As I left, she gave me a baseball-shaped gingerbread cookie and an “I Love My Cat/Christmas, Florida” nail file for my wife.
Up a couple blocks from Hamilton’s store is the Christmas Post Office. People come from all over to this post office to get their Christmas, Florida, postmark for their holiday mail.
The post office employee seemed caught off guard when I walked through her door.
“Do you get a lot of people during the holidays?” I asked.
She told me that there are lines out the door, so long that they run all the way around the side of the building.
I asked her about this mailbox which read: “LETTERS TO SANTA.”
Cry-Baby of the Week
Cry-Baby #1: Nina Chaplin
The incident: A woman was unhappy with the Christmas dinner she bought.
The appropriate response: Complaining to the people that she bought the dinner from AND THEN SHUTTING UP AND NOT TELLING ANOTHER PERSON ABOUT IT BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING CARES.
The actual response: She went to the Daily Mail, and sat there holding up her sad little dinner in a bag while some poor idiot took photos of her.
Nina Chaplin (pictured above, disgusted) paid $60 per person for her family to eat at a chain restaurant called The Cricketers. Which is one of those chains that isn’t Applebees, but the menus are so sticky it may as well be.
The dinner, apparently, was not very good. The meat seemed to be frozen rather than fresh, and the Christmas pudding was “rubbery.”
Later in the article, Nina brings her dead mother into it:
"Mrs Chaplin said she felt ripped off after paying almost £400 for the meal for 11 at The Cricketers in Rainham, Kent. She had decided to take her family out for Christmas lunch as a treat for her father, Bob Lander, 62.
‘This time of year is always hard for my dad because my mom died at Christmas some 13 years ago, so we always try to make it extra special for him,’ said Mrs Chaplin, 41.”
While I have a certain amount of sympathy for in those circumstances, she then goes on to say that she feels the most sorry for her father, who “suffers from emphysema and had saved up his pension money to pay for his meal.” So you took him out for a “treat” to help him deal with the death of his wife, and he had to pay for it himself out of his own pension money? Jeeeeeez.