Fifty Shades of Grey is the new BDSM novel currently dominating the nation’s menopausal demographic. Having dog-eared their daughters’ Twilight books too many times, these MILFs are passing around Fifty Shades like it’s the ultimate cure for dusty clitorises; a Huffington Post reviewer boasted that it’s so good, “you will actually want to have sex with your husband. Like, a lot.”
A quick scroll through some forums revealed that Fifty Shades started off as a Twilight fan-fic written by a user named “Snowqueens Icedragon” (lack of apostrophe is sic, and the writer, unfortunately, switched her pseudonym to the colorless E.L. James). Like in Twilight, the female character is still a young noob whose awkwardness is supposed to be kewt, and her lover is a menacing guy with a dark secret. UnlikeTwilight, instead of blood and fangs, though, you’ll get 300 pages of ass-whippings and anal beads.
Still confused about the book’s success? Here are the reasons I’ve come up with to explain why your mom’s vagina is currently groaning over her Kindle edition:
THE HEROINE WANTS TO FUCK AS SOON AS SHE MEETS HER GUY, BUT IS TOO SHY :(
Anastasia Steele—the cloying centerpiece of the story—falls in love with business tycoon Christian Grey from the mortifying second she trips and lands in his palatial office. The tension between them is like, whoa, and at one point Christian offers to take his pants off, but she fires back with the zinger: “Um.” Then she thinks to herself, “I must be the color of the communist manifesto.” Poor thing.
THERE’S A CRAZY TWIST
Even though he kisses and rubs his boner all over her in the elevator, ~30 seconds later Grey refuses to have sex with Anastasia until she agrees to sign a contract. She won’t lay off his d, though, so he flies her in his helicopter, Charie Tango (also the name of his cock), to his house so that he can reveal his big secret. Once they arrive, he tells her to enter his playroom. His playroom, it turns out, is “The Red Room Of Pain”—a “womb-like” dungeon filled with paddles, whips, riding crops, and dangling chain karabiners. Turns out Grey is exclusively interested in a dom-sub relationship (“I don’t make love… I fuck. Hard.”), and wants Anastasia to be his cock-worshiping slave bitch….
THERE’S A SECOND TWIST AFTER THE FIRST TWIST
…Except Anastasia is a virgin! In fact, she’s never even seen a penis before. So Grey reluctantly goes vanilla and teaches her the joys of making luuuuuurve before he eventually eases a paddle up her ass. Unsurprisingly, Anastasia morphs into a 24/7 hornball, delighting in her “very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle” while declaring, “My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
Continue: Moms & Daughters Are Creaming Over the Same Twilight Porn
