Despite being an early adopter, I think jizz is pretty gross. I’ve spent a good portion of my sexually awoken life trying to avoid it one way or another. And needless to say, the pressure of swallowing kind of sucks all the sexy out of giving oral sex for me. There have been many points along the way where I’ve figured it was better to just avoid it all together. By the time I reached my junior year of high school, I refused to give head to the guys I dated. I quickly found out that when you are dealing with randy Catholic schoolboys who want to bust a nut in every one of your orifices, your relationships don’t last very long if you aren’t sucking.
The Best Places to Stash Used Condoms
All human activities produce waste. When one drives an automobile, carbon monoxide is expelled. After eating a meal, a person tends to create what most reputable scientists refer to as “shit.” Sexual relations are not exempt from this rule. A male orgasm produces semen, which for a large swath of the population is a sticky afterthought of the encounter.
In theory, semen is the nectar of life, but sex is routinely enjoyed for reasons outside of procreation. Loneliness, fear of mortality, and boredom are the real impetuses for copulating. That renders “cum” the sad, moist leftover that reminds someone that they have to go back to being depressed after 15 minutes of escape.
Condoms allow for folks to not only avoid pregnancy and disease, but also to have a great place to store semen. Unfortunately, that’s not the end of the problem. The condom then has to be stashed somewhere. There are a variety of options for ditching the evidence of a sexual dalliance, but each and every one of them carries a myriad of other unforeseen complications.
Throwing It in the Trash
One would assume that once a condom is in the garbage, it is taken care of. No one has to see it, touch it or interact with it in any way. That ignores the simple truth that a trashcan has to be opened in order for moregarbage to be thrown out. Unless one lives alone, which is becoming more and more rare in today’s shoddy economy, it’s highly likely that a non-participant or neutral party will have a gander at the filthy leavings of a torrid fuck session. If throwing a condom in the wastebasket is the only option at a person’s disposal, then I advise wrapping said rubber in a wad of toilet paper or placing it inside a cereal box. Please be aware that the cereal box should be empty and in the trash. A full cereal box inside the pantry is not a proper place to put one’s semen. On the other hand, if there is unspoken tension between roommates, then putting semen in a cereal box is a great, passive-aggressive way to get a point across.
Flinging It Out the Window
The benefit of the Window Method is that the condom no longer resides in one’s domicile. It could end up in a tree, on the sidewalk, or on the head of a passer-by. It is truly “out of sight, out of mind.” A child could hypothetically discover the condom and think it is some sort of toy, which could be great if the child is from a poor family and can’t afford Furbys or whatever is popular with youngsters these days. Conversely, the child could be rich and it could end up being the first step toward a deviant, Patrick Bateman-style lifestyle. There’s a 50/50 chance here, so use discretion.
Under the Bed
It’s not uncommon for people to refrain from ever looking under a bed. The space under a bed is a circus of dust mites, pubic hair, Taco Bell receipts, and old shoes. Why not add used jimmy hats to the mix? Bear in mind that this only works if one’s mother never comes over. The first place a mother looks in her child’s house is under the bed, because she is eager to judge just how filthy her child is. As such, this is a great solution if you are an orphan.