Animal Penises Are Super Weird
One of the great things about nature is that everything in it—dogs, flowers, snakes, whales, ants, jellyfish, crabs, toucans, everything—is either eating or trying to fuck at all times. Of the uncountable billions of organisms populating our planet, millions and millions of them are getting it on at this very second. P’s are going into V’s, eggs are being fertilized, the circle of life continues.
You probably didn’t learn very much about the sex lives of animals in school because your poor science teachers had enough to worry about without saying the words “elephant cock” in front of a room of teenagers. But animal sex and the evolved features of animal sex organs are often wonderful things, and there’s no reason that today’s young people shouldn’t learn about the tiny—and sometimes startlingly large—wonders that are animal penises.
So we got some of our contributors together and wrote about animal dicks. If you are excited to learn more about animal sex, we encourage you to watch Isabella Rossellini’s Green Porno series. Or just go to the park and see if you can catch squirrels fucking.
Sea Horses
Photo via Flickr user jimg944
Did you emerge from the head of your father’s dick as a fully formed baby? Congratulations, you’re probably a sea horse. Sea-horse females impregnate males during one-night stands and leave them to foster their young without so much as paying child support, like a Beyoncé song in reverse.
Courtship begins when the female and male start scraping their tails along the sea floor. (Hot!) The male has his head tucked into his chest the entire time because he’s a little pussy bitch. The female circles around him, forcing him to pay attention to her colors. Then she grabs him with her tail and penetrates him. (Yesssss…) They swim face to face, locked together, as she excretes up to 600 eggs into his brood pouch. Then she fucks off forever.
After just a few weeks, the male undergoes contractions and finally blasts a bunch of miniature sea horses out of his little sea-horse dick.
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Republicans Don’t Have a Ton of Empathy for Strangers
Something inevitable happened. The Senate voted down that bipartisan plan to expand background checks for guns. And, if you take the action-packed headline of the NY Daily News as any indication, Obama is so “furious” about it that he is publicly “slamming” the Senate. Read further: Joe Biden is “on the brink of tears.” This is some dramatic stuff!
This bill was conceived in response to the mass shooting of twenty children in Newtown, Connecticut. Obama of all people should understand that even 20,000 dead children wouldn’t make a difference to the hard-liners. That is, not unless it were their 20,000 kids. Put another way, gun control in America isn’t happening unless a) Republicans learn to spawn thousands of young at a time, like fish, and b) all their Fishpublican-spawn babies are killed with guns. These conditions are both necessary and sufficient.
I’m not saying that Republicans are monsters. I’m not even saying they don’t care about other people’s kids. They probably don’t, but that’s beside the point. The point is, right-wingers of all stripes, from the feisty libertarian to the noble Santorumite, are incapable of learning from the experiences of others. They just can’t help it. Need some examples? Right this way, friends.
“God hates fa—whoa, never mind”
Last month, Senator Rob Portman (R-OH) announced his support of equal marriage rights. Portman said in a statement, and I’m paraphrasing here, that grown-ups who are in love should be allowed to do what they want. He sounds like a pretty chill guy, right? Let’s Google him and have a look at his stellar record on LGBT rights, then. OK, now that we’ve finished doing that, let’s brush the rage-vomit off our keyboards and try to make sense of it all.
In 2011, Portman went on an antigay tirade during his commencement address at the University of Michigan law school. Instead of reading Dr. Seuss and telling those kids to wear sunscreen, this guy boldly subverted audience expectations by ranting about homosexuality for no clear reason. About a hundred law grads walked out on their own graduation ceremony in protest.
So, why the change of heart? Naturally, it’s because Portman learned his son is gay. Portman just wants his kid to have a good life, you see. That’s great and all, very touching, but don’t forget: back in Portman’s salad days of homophobia, he knew about people like his son. He just didn’t give a shit about them.
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VICE Meets Sue Johanson
In the third and final part of the Sue Johanson interview, she talks with Kara Crabb about important things like dick sizes, vagina sizes, and the female orgasm. She also teaches Kara a valuable lesson about safe sex: how to put on a condom with your mouth.
Hey, you rapidly decaying protoplasmic sacks of calcium and shit, my name is Dr Mona Moore. Obviously, that is not my real name, but I am a real doctor. Don’t feel bad for me, though, because it means I will always have a job, an apartment ten times bigger than yours and the right to tell you what to do simply because I will always know better. Enjoy my column!
BOLLOCKS TO THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH - PLEASE DON’T STUFF YOUR COCK
In my experience, people will get weird shit lodged in every available orifice—and the urethra is no exception. Now, I don’t have a penis, so perhaps it’s hard for me to understand, but the only time anyone has put anything up my urethra was during an STD screening and I was moments away from kicking the doctor in the head. Painful, humiliating, and categorically not erotic. But apparently this is exactly what gets some people off, though they normally regret it after.
I had a 45-year-old man come in recently with a big, grizzly beard and a pained expression complaining of urinary retention—basically he couldn’t piss and it was causing him terrible pain. So I popped a catheter in (allowing free flowing pee) and sent him for an X-ray. When it came back, I could see big lumps in his bladder and girded myself up for late-stage bladder cancer. Fearing the worst, I told him he would need to be sent to surgery, where the surgeon would put a camera up his urethra to see what was going on—and still he did not mention a thing.
As the camera slid into his bladder, the whole surgery stopped in disbelief. Those were not cancerous lumps writhing around in horrible humping masses, but maggots. There was a rampant maggot orgy in his bladder.
It turns out he enjoys fishing on Sundays, and while waiting for a tug on his line would pop a maggot up his jap’s eye because he liked the way they wriggled up his tube. I’ve never understood fishing (or bestiality), but I’m pretty sure baiting your bladder isn’t the way to bring in the catch.
We Went to Blackout Halloween and Got a Penis Placed Upon Us
Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote a thing about how I was offered a couple of passes to the infamous Blackout Haunted House, and could literally not find a single VICE staffer to drag their pussy ass through it. This year, I resolved to not only force myself to confront my biggest fear (having a foreskin presented to me), but to force my co-workers to go along with me on what ended up being a true fact-finding mission; that fact being that Blackout really is just a bunch of flaccid penises, with also at least three sets of boobs thrown in for fun.
When I sent out my email to the creators of the Blackout event, asking if we could be granted upwards of ten passes for free, I was honestly hoping that they’d say no, or at least say that yes, we could come, but in like a month or something. When I got an almost immediate reply saying that we were all set and could pick a date to come as soon as a week away, I wanted to cry, crap, and then die in my own crap. The weeks leading up to us going were spent exchanging fearful stares and head shakes. Only an idiot would want to go through this thing. Good thing we’re all idiots.
The day that it was all set to go down included three immediate flake outs (I won’t name names, but you can email me if you want to know who the yellow-bellied VICE staffers are) and about 57 beers a piece. The sun set way too soon, and we all piled into a car and headed over to get tortured for fun.
I would hate to ruin the event for others by going over the details of what happened during the 30 minutes you spend ALONE inside of Blackout, but I will share the post-event interviews I conducted with the poor chumps I made go with me. Maybe this will help you determine if you’re brave (or sick) enough to make it through.
What made you want to do this?
Harry: Everyone was talkin’ ‘bout this haunted house like OH MY GOD THE TERROR THEY WILL EAT YOUR DICK or something. Seemed fun?
Jonathan: I hadn’t been to a haunted house since like 5th grade and I remember being really freaked out by some parts of it. Since this is supposedly the scariest haunted house in the city, I guess I was hoping I’d get spooked like I did when I was a kid. Also, I hear tickets are like 60 bucks or something and I’m a cheap bastard so I’ll do pretty much anything that normally costs money if I don’t have to pay.
Sasha: I wanted to do this because I was almost positive that I couldn’t. I wanted to feel fear in ways I never have before. Also, I knew everyone would be a dick to me if I didn’t.
Kathleen: At first I didn’t even consider going, but I read too many accounts online and got really curious. Then I had a few drinks and was convinced by the bravery of everyone else.
Josh: A few things. one, I like taking advantage of living in New York. New Yorkers pass up on more arts and culture, and general experiences, than almost anyone, only because we have so much offered to us.
Ryan: I’m always up for something weird and free.
Dana is a 28-year-old mathematician and pornographer. She makes a porn magazine for women who like dick.
(Source: Vice Magazine)
The VICE Guide to Being Gay
Gay was invented by two guys in the city of Sodom in 254 BC. Since then, tons and tons of men have been enjoying sex with other men. But, as fun and as normal as that is, LOADS of people have a problem with it. In fact, lots of people think that putting a dick anywhere near another man’s bum or mouth hole is basically the same as wiping it all over God’s toothbrush. Because of this, “gay shit” remains a controversial subject best avoided at religious events, or in the presence of idiots. Here’s our comprehensive guide to everything you ever wanted to know about gayness, but were too afraid to ass.
Oh, and lesbians, we know you’re gay too. But this is a guide to gay stuff for guys. You’ll get your own guide soon.
A
Anal Sex
Apparently 15 percent of gay guys don’t ever do anal sex. If any of that 15 percent are reading this, YOU SHOULD TRY IT! Until you’ve had your bell rung from the inside, you haven’t rung your bell at all. Sure, it’s gonna hurt the first few times, but fuck it, get your boy to stick it in your lil’ bum and cum, cum, and cum again! It’s great! One warning though, if you go down the rabbit hole enough times, eventually you’re going to find a rabbit. But in this case, that “rabbit” is “poop.”
Honorable mentions: Alt gays, ABBA.
B
Being So Bored in Gay Clubs That You Just Watch the Video Wall All Night
The gay scene fucking sucks. But if you want to have sex even a little bit, you’re going to have to take part in it eventually. You’d think that there’d be a gay bar out there that would cater to you, what with all the bear bars, the daddy bars, the punk gay bars, the sissy-bounce gay bars, the Mexican cowboy gay bars, the square-dancing gay bars, and the gay bars for people with ginger hair fetishes (these are all real gay bars I’ve been to, BTW). But nope. No matter where you go, you’re gonna be hearing the same remix of “We Found Love” four times in an hour. And holy shit are you gonna get bored.
Honorable mentions: Bears, brunch, Broadway, Butt Magazine, Billy Eichner,”bisexuals,” bisexuals, Bret Easton Ellis, bigots.
C
Coming Out
This girl I know just came out to her friends in a bar, people overheard, announced it to the room and then strangers bought her drinks all night! Great, huh! Another guy I know just came out to his family, and his brother tied his hands behind his back and threw him into a river! Less great, huh! I guess, most of the time, coming out stories are somewhere between those two. Pretty much no dad punches the air when his son brings home a boyfriend, but not too many reverse the car over him, either.
Still, the main thing about coming out is that it’s probably best to ACTUALLY DO IT. I know, at times, it can be kind of exciting to have a big secret you’re hiding from everyone (like you’re Alex Mack or Batman), but every day a gay man spends in the closet makes him a little bit crazier. So bust down those doors or come to terms with becoming Jeffrey Dahmer Reloaded. Unless you live in Saudi Arabia or some shit. In which case, keep it under wraps.
PS: I’m sorry to break this to you. But everybody already knows. Even your mom. It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious, dude.
PPS: If your parents are assholes and refuse to accept you, fuck ‘em. They get three years to be totally 100 percent OK with it (five, if they’re old), after that, they’re X’ed.
Honorable mentions: Chubs, choking, Cabaret, celebrity gossip, Courtney Love, crying, Cyndi Lauper, chick flicks.
D
Drugs
Meth used to be the gay drug of choice. Back in the day, queens would fuck themselves up on it and then go to shitty parties with shitty music and pop a bunch of Viagra and have a ton of unsafe sex and get HIV. Meth is awful. Never do meth. Ecstasy and pot and acid and K are OK, I guess, but can everyone promise to stop messing with meth? And mephedrone or whatever that new shit is that even old men are doing now. “M” drugs are bad, guys. Knock them off.
Honorable mentions: Dennis Cooper, daddies, drag queens, drunk texts, Paris Hilton’s “Drunk Text,” divas.
E
Equality
Neeeever gonna happen! Sez, everyone. Think about it; there are so many places where gays are viewed with about as much affection as a shit on a pillowcase: The Middle East, Africa, 50 percent of Europe, a whole bunch of America, 99 percent of South America, 80 percent of Asia. $800 says that everyone who’s ever been on the moon is a homophobe—which means we can’t have that either.
Of course, there’s been progress, but even if we’re optimistic, and we were to assume that the medieval types still hating queers will eventually be outmoded by new, fabulous, liberal guys; it’s going to take so long that by the time they’re cool, all the fabulous, liberal places on Earth will have probably slipped back into religious despotism and gay hating. Sucks, huh?
But still, you know what’s great? When tough gays kick the shit out of homophobes. Let’s do that more. And don’t forget to put it on YouTube!
Honorable mentions: Expensive hair products, erections, E! True Hollywood Stories.
