Great news, my fellow conservatrons! We can all give thanks to ConservaChrist for last week’s glorious announcement that notorious crunchy granola hippie liberal Louis C.K. has pulled out of his gig as host of this year’s Radio and Television Correspondents’ Dinner. Presumably thanks to pressure from noble, righteous woman-warrior Greta van Susteren, whose genius is so strong it wore out her first face and required a second installation, C.K.’s rep announced that he "just didn’t want to do it anymore." As someone who eagerly awaits her dinner invitation each and every day—I’m sure it’s coming soon!—I could not be more relieved that the assembled Washington, D.C. press elites will not have to listen to C.K.’s unflinching honesty and blistering wit, but will instead probably enjoy passed apps while taking in the comic stylings of the Capitol Steps or, more likely, Billy Crystal.
Now as VICE’s GOP analyst, I’m privy to all sorts of private, high-level documents the rest of the world doesn’t get to see. Honestly, the stuff I know would curl your eyelashes (and I’m not talking about Dr. Marcus Bachmann’s tour rider! Just kidding, Marcus! You know I love to kid—as much as you love Evian and Luna bars, apparently.). The organizers of the dinner are rushing to get a new host to fill in for C.K., and if you think I’ve got the inside scoop—well, you’re right! Not only do I know the names of the folks vying for the position, I also have copies of their proposed opening remarks. Prepare yourself for chortles—whoever wins, it’s gonna be one doozy of a night!