Republicans Don’t Have a Ton of Empathy for Strangers
Something inevitable happened. The Senate voted down that bipartisan plan to expand background checks for guns. And, if you take the action-packed headline of the NY Daily News as any indication, Obama is so “furious” about it that he is publicly “slamming” the Senate. Read further: Joe Biden is “on the brink of tears.” This is some dramatic stuff!
This bill was conceived in response to the mass shooting of twenty children in Newtown, Connecticut. Obama of all people should understand that even 20,000 dead children wouldn’t make a difference to the hard-liners. That is, not unless it were their 20,000 kids. Put another way, gun control in America isn’t happening unless a) Republicans learn to spawn thousands of young at a time, like fish, and b) all their Fishpublican-spawn babies are killed with guns. These conditions are both necessary and sufficient.
I’m not saying that Republicans are monsters. I’m not even saying they don’t care about other people’s kids. They probably don’t, but that’s beside the point. The point is, right-wingers of all stripes, from the feisty libertarian to the noble Santorumite, are incapable of learning from the experiences of others. They just can’t help it. Need some examples? Right this way, friends.
“God hates fa—whoa, never mind”
Last month, Senator Rob Portman (R-OH) announced his support of equal marriage rights. Portman said in a statement, and I’m paraphrasing here, that grown-ups who are in love should be allowed to do what they want. He sounds like a pretty chill guy, right? Let’s Google him and have a look at his stellar record on LGBT rights, then. OK, now that we’ve finished doing that, let’s brush the rage-vomit off our keyboards and try to make sense of it all.
In 2011, Portman went on an antigay tirade during his commencement address at the University of Michigan law school. Instead of reading Dr. Seuss and telling those kids to wear sunscreen, this guy boldly subverted audience expectations by ranting about homosexuality for no clear reason. About a hundred law grads walked out on their own graduation ceremony in protest.
So, why the change of heart? Naturally, it’s because Portman learned his son is gay. Portman just wants his kid to have a good life, you see. That’s great and all, very touching, but don’t forget: back in Portman’s salad days of homophobia, he knew about people like his son. He just didn’t give a shit about them.
“This might be a good time for Republicans to redouble their commitment to the reality-based community.” - David Brooks, NY Times, 11/7/12
Greetings! In light of this week’s election, your local GOP committee is sending out this quiz to gauge our party’s commitment to reality. As a registered Republican, your input is crucial to determining future party direction. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers!
A. THE LATINO VOTE…
1: Is something we’ll need to earn in the next election cycle.
2: Is a fad.
3: Wouldn’t be an issue if Eisenhower had built that wall.
4: Is an anagram for “Vain Tootle.” Case closed.
B. REPUBLICANS LOST WOMEN VOTERS BECAUSE…
1: The GOP talked about rape too much.
2: The GOP didn’t talk about rape enough.
3: The GOP forgot to rewrite the Wikipedia entry for the 19th amendment.
4: They just kept shrieking and shrieking.
C. THE TEA PARTY…
1: Limited the options of Republican candidates.
2: Should be honored for their pep and zing.
3: Will have to work like the A-Team now that the Constitution has been suspended.
4: Actually won a majority in both things of Congress. Media? Hello??
D. HURRICANE SANDY WAS…
1: A national tragedy best kept out of politics.
2: A convenient showcase for hyping big government.
Remember all those hilarious one liners about TV tough guy, and supernaturally be-gingered ghost grandpa, Chuck Norris? “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits,” for example. How we laughed at those! I remember that one actor’s deft karate pantomimes from my childhood, we’d say.
We had him pegged with the wrong superlative it turns out. It should’ve been something more like Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he drools in the corner wondering why the grandkids never call.
“Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t had the courage to tell him yet.” More like, well, ok, that one still reads.
“When he goes to bed every night the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”
You sure about that one? The central premise of the conceit, that Chuck Norris isn’t scared of anything is precisely the opposite of the truth we see from videos like this one above. Like most elderly people and Republicans, Chuck Norris is scared of every fucking thing.
Probably tops on that list is his Stepford Wife Gena, who is quoted here from what I’m assuming are the awkward first take cuts from a forthcoming, much-less-embarrassing political video.
“We are here to talk about a growing concern we all share,” Chuck Norris explains. “If we look to history, our great country and freedom are under attack. We’re at a tipping point and, quite possibly, our country as we know it may be lost forever if we don’t change the course in which our country is headed.”
What aspect of it exactly will be lost forever, and to who, you might ask, if you don’t puke in fear when you see your own shadow.
You can probably imagine where it goes from there. Crossroads this, crucial decisions that, the defense of liberty, Christians, I don’t know, fucking evil microwaves stealing our souls when you don’t flip the light switch on and off three times to represent faith in the Holy Trinity.
The video gets interesting toward the end, however, where old boy starts quoting — you’re never going to guess who — Reagan, the president last time Norris got a non government-assisted erection.
“Our great president, Ronald Reagan said, ‘Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected and handed on for them to do the same.’”
Hey, have you guys heard about this Paul Ryan character yet? He sure is divisive! Just a few short days after he was announced as Mitt Romney’s running mate he’s become one of the Top Things To Have An Opinion On—“I like this Paul Ryan,” you might hear someone say. “He is attractive and good with numbers and if I were a gay fella… Well, say no more.” Another opinion might be: “Boy, howdy! This Paul Ryan makes me angry because of his many views! Time to write a listicle to persuade all the Jezebel readers not to vote for him despite his small-town charm and good looks!”
For the next few days (or “news cycles,” as they are called in the political world, a land where it is always 11 AM and cloudy and everything tastes like ashes and pain), Ryan is going to have his whole life examined to a horrifying degree. Hours after the announcement, we were already reading Yelp reviews of the Mexican restaurant where he used to work. Every controversial vote he took part in, every stock trade he made, all of it will be paraded in front of the segment of the population that cares. Ryan will be judged and a verdict (or several) will be reached. But I think we are being a bit too hard on him, because he is just a teenager, after all. Yes, Paul Ryan is just a normal teenager, if perhaps a late-blooming one. My evidence:
HE LOVES AYN RAND OK, I know, he denounced Ayn Rand this week, but her writing still clearly informs his worldview. Just like it takes some kids a while to get over the romanticism of Kerouac, I think Ryan is still carrying a torch for Objectivism. For teenagers, Rand is great because she reinforces their belief that their desires are the most important thing in the world, and she pisses off liberal parents with her pro-capitalism and religious ones with her atheism. Sooner or later, most people recognize that she fails to acknowledge moral shades of gray and is also an enormously shit writer (sample line: “She saw the look of the luminous gaiety which transcends the great innocence of a man who has earned the right to be light-hearted.”) and they sort of quit her, or tone it down at least.
HE WORKS OUT A LOT Hell yeah, bro. Look at those ‘ceps. GTL, am I right? His workout obsession is a little worrying, actually, because teenaged boys who work out all the time are the worst pieces of shit in the universe. If we send him to China on a diplomatic mission, he’s going to keep slapping drinks out of important peoples’ hands for fun (“Look alive, bro!”) and back some poor wife of an official into a corner to tell her all about his core routine.
HE’S INTO LED ZEPPELIN The most amusing moment in a father’s life is when his 16-year-old son goes, “Hey dad, did you know about this band Led Zeppelin? They’re amazing!” Then follows what Americans have instead of Vision Quests or other rites of passage: a solid six months to a year during which the young man spends all of his time alone in his room listening to Led Zep over and over trying to decipher the meaningless lyrics a drug-addled Robert Plant came up with 40 years ago. It’s a gateway to either better music or airbrushed cars. I hope Ryan chooses wisely.
In late March 2012, Newt Gingrich replaced campaign manager Michael Krull with Vince Haley, under the unspoken agreement that Haley would permit Gingrich to draw more attention to his space travel program. Krull had been urging Gingrich to “tone down the moon colony thing,” despite Gingrich’s insistence that “America must return to space.” Gingrich has barely noticed Haley’s unfulfilled promises, mostly due to the sinisterly coaxing tone of voice Haley uses to say “in time, Newt,” and his suggestion that Gingrich’s energies would be better spent designing blueprints of “Newt’s Spruce Goose,” a solo spacecraft running on sustainable energy created by a workforce of children. Gingrich wants to make DJ Earworm’s mash-up of 2011 popular radio hits, “World Go Boom,” his new campaign song. He has confided to Haley that although he will reluctantly do so, he does not want to participate in debates unless a portable planetarium-like device is erected around the audience and the video for “World Go Boom” is projected across the entire ceiling as his answer to all questions. Gingrich has appeared distracted and unfocused in debates since his first YouTube viewing of the five-minute song.
Rick Santorum is a holographic projection transmitted to 2012 from the planet Giedi Prime, over 10,000 years in the future. Santorum’s uncle, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, was advised by his human-computer assistant that if a Harkonnen president was elected on the planet Earth in 2012, a series of events would unfold that would eliminate all members of House Atredies and House Corrino, and House Harkonnen would rule the universe. The holographic projection of Rick Santorum appears undeniably real to humans in 2012, but his actual body is imprisoned in a 4’x6’ cage in the basement of his uncle’s castle in the year 10,191. Rick Santorum’s attitudes towards diminishing same-sex rights, though antiquated and infuriating to non-conservatives in the year 2012, will destroy the possibility of the Harkonnens ever ruling the universe. Upon the Baron’s discovery of his nephew’s disobedience, he will likely have him executed. Santorum will be regarded as a tragic hero in historical texts following his death.
TRUE STORY: A few years ago, looking out over the stately Potomac in Washington, DC’s dead-dog days of summer, I had lunch with the Daily Caller’s Neil Munro. I droned on self-importantly, indulging in tiresome ramblings, and after God knows how long, he—gasp—interrupted me.
Aside from the two of us, the incident was widely ignored by the press.
Now Neil Munro is internet famous because he behaved in a similar way in a similar situation. (Instead of me at the Kennedy Center it was President Obama in the Rose Garden.) Munro sickened the nation’s politeness police by choosing his own moment to blurt out a question at a presidential press conference.
Pushing America further to the brink of ruin, he kept at Obama with a follow-up question, forcing the president to abandon his talking points and address him personally. Within 15 seconds, the decency of the office of the presidency was defiled, and the integrity of journalism was heartlessly pissed on, forever tarnished by some guy saying something when he shouldn’t have.
If you’re anything like me, you’re probably reading this wondering WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS WHOLESOME IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? Munro is just the latest in a frighteningly long list ofthree presidential interrupters who have no respect for the man’s right to hold the floor at the time and place of his choosing.
The Supreme Court just wrapped up a much-hyped three-day session of oral argument on the constitutionality of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA, better known as “Obamacare,” or “The Advent of the Beast,” to talk radio listeners). Specifically, the justices heard arguments on the constitutionality of the insurance mandate, the requirement that everyone enter the health insurance risk pool.
This is important because insurance relies on spreading risk. If you guarantee everyone health insurance, clever people will wait until they get sick before buying health care. That would send a flood of sick people at insurance companies and cost them money, and we can’t have that. Insurance companies are friendly and wonderful, and their profit margins are an issue of national concern. Instead, the mandate says that we all get insurance while we’re still healthy and create a giant risk pool. We all pay in and then it pays back out.
To oversimplify, if the Court strikes the mandate, then PPACA is probably dead. And after Tuesday’s oral arguments, a lot of experts and journalists have decided that PPACA is dead. They base this prediction almost entirely on the failure of one man: Don Verrilli. He’s the solicitor general of the United States of America. And on Tuesday, the most important day of the week’s hearings and maybe the most important days of his professional life, he screwed the pooch hard.
Verrilli’s performance was baffling. His job—officially—is to make legal arguments to courts. He seems really bad at it.
My fellow conservatrons, today is the day that the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be super-duper-glad! Yesterday the Supreme Court started hearing arguments in a case brought by 26 attorneys general (not 26 “attorney generals,” in case you were wondering—I learned that from FOX News) against the filthy death panel cornucopia known as Obamacare. Curious about the facts behind the “controversial” case against universal murdercare? Well, luckily for you, your faithful GOP analyst (that’s me!) is here to explain the whole debacle to you.
Here’s the deal: souls have bodies, and sometimes those bodies get sick, usually as a result of something sinful they’ve done. President Obama is of the mind that, just as folks are required to purchase car insurance for their cars from one of several vendors, so should human body-possessors be required to purchase human body insurance (known from hereon out as “health insurance”) for their bodies. Disgusting? I know.
Republicans so deeply cherish the right of the individual over the right of the fascist state that they object to this so-called “individual mandate.” Why? Well, the individual mandate would require every single American to be insured, and there is nothing so heinous as requiring every single American to do anything, much less a thing that is universally acknowledged to promote health and welfare. It is a violation of God’s law to ask a man to take a step that might enhance his physical well-being, prolong his usefulness as a worker in the field of his choice, ensure his ability to fulfill his duties as a father and husband, and just generally make his life awesomer.
Now, I’ve recently been made aware that not all of the folks who read this column are solid Santorum conservatives like myself. To my dismay, it has been reported to me that VICE.com is in fact a rather popular website among the hip, liberal types who enjoy piercing their mucous membranes, tattooing various heathenish symbols upon their persons, and engaging in premarital sexual contact with members of the opposite—and even sometimes the same—sex. Therefore, I’ve realized I’m not preaching to the choir on this one. So in order to assuage your unfounded liberal fears that Republicans are heartless, cruel individuals who regularly vote against the best interests of women, children, minorities, and other lesser Americans, I’ve put together a list of RNC-approved DIY remedies for common ailments. We’re going to make sure the Supreme Court strikes down Obamacare, but that doesn’t mean we want you to feel yucky in the aftermath!
Condition: Migraine headache Insurance-Free Cure: Repeated blunt trauma to the head
Do you have a problem with incredible head pain accompanied by visual auras, the perception of flashing lights, and extraordinary nausea? Don’t have enough money to see a doctor? No worries, weak-brained liberal compadre. Get yourself to the nearest wall and immediately smash your head against it repeatedly. See if you can draw blood while you’re at it! You’ll be so distracted by the red rivers of life oozing into your eyeballs as well as the fresh agony of an open head wound, you won’t have time to resent your inability to pay for a neurological evaluation!
Did God curse you by making you a woman instead of a man? Is he working out his latent anger at Eve the Betrayer by ensuring the shedding of your uterine lining is absolutely agonizing? And are you unable to take any time off your underpaid, nonunion job in order to visit the gynecologist to find out if your life-basket is all right? Then get down on your God-forsaken lady-knees and pray a sweet little prayer to Jesus asking Him to alleviate your suffering by sending you the Lord’s most precious gift: a baby. Whether the intercourse to produce this child is consensual or not, the end game is the same: a blessed 9-month reprieve from the horrific lunar squeezings. Remember, you haven’t served your purpose as a female until you’ve brought forth spawn!