My friend was harping on at me the other day about how much it’s going to suck when we reach old age. “Can you imagine having to set aside 15 minutes every time you want to cross the road, or constantly have to deal with shitting yourself in public?” she asked.
I got what she meant, kind of, but she’s clearly been watching too many movies about old people that rely exclusively on tired cliches and stereotypical situations that don’t have any base in fact. My grandparents, their friends, and my great-aunts and uncles don’t tick any of those boxes, but are all perfectly capable of joking, at their own expense, about the topic of growing old.
I decided to take a series of photos to demonstrate that age really isn’t an issue, and that you can happily ride a pink bicycle in your pants or make inappropriate hand gestures, all the way into your retirement.
Happy Birthday Drake turns 26 today, which means a lot of things to me. I don’t like to discuss my age, but let’s just say that we could have gone to high school together, had he moved to El Cajon in lieu of dropping out to pursue acting. We hate it when people in our general peer group become successful rappers, or something. I guess it’s similar to how I watched this kid I knew when I was seven pitch in the playoffs this year and even though I hope dude gets Best New Pitcher I’m still pretty glad his team didn’t make it to the World Series, you know? Despite the fact that I’ve never had any desire to be a rapper or athlete I still sometimes feel like they’ve accomplished exponentially more than me. Not that I’m not doing all right—I can afford to buy several adult beers and Chipotle and a pint of ice cream at least four nights/week—but I do use the terms “tuxedo” and “suit” and “blazer” interchangeably, whereas these dudes are going on private jets. Life is ultimately meaningless and no one wins, so it’s fine. It’s fine.
26 is an important year though, because it means that Drake has one year left to do dangerous drugs before he will automatically die from doing them. Now I don’t think that Drake really does the drugs that kill people, but if I were him I would probably make this the last year that I mess with lean, just in case. I don’t want 2013 to be the year they start letting rappers into the 27 Club.
Close readers of this tumblr may recall a column called This Week in Drake, my roundup of what I’ve been thinking about Drake lately. Well, VICE is now on YouTube, and that means we’re making new shows. One of which, I’m excited to tell you, is an adaptation of This Week in Drake. It’s currently called (I didn’t name it, so if you have a better idea, please let me know) “What’s Up with Drake?” and it’s pretty much exactly the same as the column, except we changed the title because editing takes a while and we didn’t want any whiners to be like, “What!? This is LAST WEEK in Drake. You guys lied!” (You know how harsh YouTube commenters can be.) The first episode is above, and yes, if you’re wondering, that’s me talking, nice to meet you, please be kind, etc. We’re breaking the fourth wall here and for that I apologize.
A few notes on the episode:
Yes, I know that the video I describe as forthcoming has since premiered. Sorry? There’ll be a quicker turn around on future videos, unless no one watches them, in which case there will be no turn around on them at all.
In the video, I mention that a girl I went to high school with gave Lil Wayne a Billy Joel. I forgot to mention, however, that she met Lil Wayne through Joe Francis, and I regret this omission.
I also mention that, after s’ing his d, nothing bad happened to her. I didn’t mean this in an STD-sense (I truly have no idea and no reason to suspect that Wayne has STDs), as many interpreted it, but in an existential manner. I was trying to state that, you know, flesh is flesh and we’re all just rotting away, slowly, so it’s not a big deal if you get with Wayne even though I, a petty person, think he’s icky.
In closing, here’s a screenshot of a chat I had with Vice Toronto’s very own Katie Heindl. It starts with her telling me something she had tweeted the previous night (I’m the Larry King icon). I don’t agree with her analysis, but I definitely think it’s worth contemplating: