Yelping Halloween
2 reviews for 119 Haverford Ave.
(3 Stars) 10/31/12
I took my kids trick or treating yesterday and the second stop on our route was the Hadley household. Right off the bat, they lose a star for giving out Life Savers. Is this a 6th grade secret santa grab bag? Run out of carob chips? The candy you serve speaks volumes about you as a citizen. And a human being.
Comment from Linda Hadley of 119 Haverford Ave. 11/1/12 « Hide
larry you can’t yelp your neighbors houses are you insane
(1 Star) 10/31/12
she refused my kids candy and told me to leave property
Comment from Linda Hadley of 119 Haverford Ave. 11/1/12 « Hide
you showed up drunk, with stuff from my trash can duct taped to your shirt, and told me you were supposed to be “hurricane sandy.” and your kids were both dressed as “mittler youth.”
4 reviews for 22 Buford Ct.
(2 Stars) 10/31/12
The Guntersons did a wonderful job tricking their house out for us trick or treaters :-} Lots of spooky cobwebs and tombstones. My problem is with Jake Gunterson’s candy policy. When he saw that my son was costumed as a hobo clown, he told Timmy that he “doesn’t do handouts.” As we were leaving, however, another child arrived dressed as a California Raisin, and I heard Mr. Gunderson say, “what a delightful Bill Cosby,” followed by the distinct sound of Kit Kats falling into a pillowcase.
Comment from Jake G of 22 Buford Ct. 11/1/12 « Hide
Prove it.
(1 Star) 10/31/12
Like many parents in our neighborhood, I wore my own costume while my two daughters trick or treated. When we got to Jake’s house, he said, “Do you really think I’m going to give you anything?” I asked him what he meant. He said, “You’re an Obama phone,” “No,” I calmly explained, “I’m a Motorola clamshell.” “Well then, what’s that?” he said, pointing down towards my groin. “It’s a zero button,” I replied, trying hard to keep my cool. Then he called me an expletive I was really hoping my daughters wouldn’t have to hear until at least third grade and confiscated my girls’ Milk Duds.
Comment from Jake G of 22 Buford Ct. 11/1/12 « Hide
Redistribution’s not so groovy now, huh?
BARBARIAN, VOID OF REFINEMENT: A COMPLETE HISTORY OF GOTH
Goth:
1) A: of music, in a style of guitar-based rock with some similarities to heavy metal and punk and usually characterized by depressing or mournful lyrics.
B: in fashion, characterized by black clothes and heavy make-up, often creating a ghostly appearance.
2) A barbarian, void of refinement.
What the fuck is Goth? Are we talking Bauhaus or Marilyn Manson? Siouxsie and the Banshees? The kids who buy their Jack Skellington socks at Hot Topic? As Supreme Court Justice Stewart said when asked on what would constitute ‘hardcore pornography,’ “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand … But I know it when I see it.” That’s basically where Goth Rock fits; difficult to explain, but there’s no denying it when it’s in front of your face. For me it’s a genre of music that gets lost in the shuffle, often confused with the slow drone of post-punk, or the horror-movie themes of ‘Death Rock.’ But to sit and listen to ‘Goth Rock,’ there’s no denying it deserves a bit of the spotlight. And if any time of year is the right time of year, it’s now, on Halloween.
The origins are murky. Legendary music critic John Stickney coined the term ‘Gothic Rock’ in 1967 when describing a meeting he had with Jim Morrison in a dimly lit wine-cellar as “the perfect room to honor the Gothic rock of the Doors.” Make no mistake; the Doors were not a quintessential ‘Goth’ band, but much of Morrison’s poetic romanticism endured. Born from the political frustration of punk rock and the drug-fueled weirdness of post-punk, ‘Goth Rock’ is a jambalaya of minimalistic music, sparse arrangements, bass-driven sexiness, soaring keyboards, and pounding, droning drums. The vocals drive the song with dark lyrics, spinning tails of unrequited love, death, isolation, and loneliness. Though popular in America, the genre was firmly British, invoking images often associated with English poetry and literature; dark fields, fogged city streets, abandoned cemeteries.
‘Goth Rock’ makes no excuses and proudly carries the banner of its predecessors; combining the sexiness of Jim Morrison and Iggy Pop, the vocal delivery of Leonard Cohen, the drone-rock of the Velvet Underground, the eclectic movements of David Bowie, and the theatrics of Marc Bolan from T. Rex. Taking these elements then fusing them together with modern technology, ‘Goth’ has championed the use of modern effects in songwriting, incorporating digital synthesizers, keyboards, drums, and programming.
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Hey Assholes, ‘Arab’ Is Not a Halloween Costume
I was doing some online shopping this week, and it got me thinking about the fine line between tastefully incorporating the aesthetics of another culture and being a straight up ignorant asshole—and I am not sure anyone can clearly identify where that line is drawn.
As I was gathering ideas for a last-minute Halloween costume and frantically searching through random noun-turned-slut assortments, I came across the “Dreamgirl Sexy Middle Eastern Arab Girl Burka Halloween Costume,” previously sold by Sears. This piece of tasteless appropriation doesn’t teeter between cultural borrowing and plain ignorance. Besides obviously disrespecting a culture, there are a couple blatant reasons this costume is politically incorrect. Let’s start with the name: It’s not a “burqa,” it’sniqab. And, why are belly-dancing coins dangling from it? Did someone just brainstorm the first three words that came to mind after “Middle Eastern” and threw them on fabric? Veils! Belly Dancing! Bedouins! And, whore it up, boys!
In Western society, Middle Eastern women often get the reputation of being sacred, good-girl virgins, oppressed by their clothing and locked in the basement by the man of the house—only to be let out if food or cleaning is involved. So will Middle Eastern culture only be accepted and incorporated into Western culture if it’s exotic and sensual but not assertive or political? Are Middle Eastern and Islamic clothes looked down on unless they are used as exotic, sexy costumes, ironically playing with the “good-girl virgin” stereotype?
But this ridiculous standard isn’t limited to Halloween costumes; celebrities think Middle Eastern clothes are costumes too. M.I.A walked the red carpet to an award ceremony in a niqab back in 2010. Then Lady GaGa played dress up with one just last month. Lady GaGa is provocateur. She collects style points from shocking and controversial headlines. I highly doubt Lady GaGa actually values a niqab’s religious or cultural attributes. But at this point, is it really even shocking anymore? Aren’t there more important things going on in the world to shock us? It’s trite; it’s tired; it’s stale.
The Legend of Scott Baiowolf
It was a calm October night. Moonlight spilled down into the Valley. The California air was sweet with jasmine, orange blossoms, and the runoff of a nearby celebrity fragrance factory. Suddenly a terrifying shriek pierced the silence and a gust of wind swept the sweetness away.
Lt. Finazzo sucked the foam from a pumpkin spice latte off his thick mustache and stared at the purple streak of blood and entrails staining the cement.
“My wife thinks it’s an animal,” said Sgt. Wade Wender.
“Your wife’s an idiot,” said Lt. Finazzo.
“When was the last one?”
“A year ago,” said Finazzo. “Pretty much to the day. Killed something every night for a week, then vanished.”
“Could be a bear,” said Wender, shrugging.
Finazzo pointed to the sidewalk splotch. “What kind of bear you know got manners like this?”
A beat cop jumped out of a hedge holding a sneaker. “We got something!”
“Looks like a Skechers Shape-Up,” said Wender.
Blood dripped from its bloated heel.
“Whatever this thing is,” said Finazzo, “it’s getting stronger. And we’ve only got a week to catch it.”
“Should we call Baio?” asked Wender.
“Do it,” said Finazzo. He squinted into a sliver of dawn. “We should’ve called him years ago.”
***
Mexico City’s Mini Michael Jacksons
These photos by Will Sanders are the cutest things we’ve seen in forever.
We Went to Blackout Halloween and Got a Penis Placed Upon Us
Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote a thing about how I was offered a couple of passes to the infamous Blackout Haunted House, and could literally not find a single VICE staffer to drag their pussy ass through it. This year, I resolved to not only force myself to confront my biggest fear (having a foreskin presented to me), but to force my co-workers to go along with me on what ended up being a true fact-finding mission; that fact being that Blackout really is just a bunch of flaccid penises, with also at least three sets of boobs thrown in for fun.
When I sent out my email to the creators of the Blackout event, asking if we could be granted upwards of ten passes for free, I was honestly hoping that they’d say no, or at least say that yes, we could come, but in like a month or something. When I got an almost immediate reply saying that we were all set and could pick a date to come as soon as a week away, I wanted to cry, crap, and then die in my own crap. The weeks leading up to us going were spent exchanging fearful stares and head shakes. Only an idiot would want to go through this thing. Good thing we’re all idiots.
The day that it was all set to go down included three immediate flake outs (I won’t name names, but you can email me if you want to know who the yellow-bellied VICE staffers are) and about 57 beers a piece. The sun set way too soon, and we all piled into a car and headed over to get tortured for fun.
I would hate to ruin the event for others by going over the details of what happened during the 30 minutes you spend ALONE inside of Blackout, but I will share the post-event interviews I conducted with the poor chumps I made go with me. Maybe this will help you determine if you’re brave (or sick) enough to make it through.
What made you want to do this?
Harry: Everyone was talkin’ ‘bout this haunted house like OH MY GOD THE TERROR THEY WILL EAT YOUR DICK or something. Seemed fun?
Jonathan: I hadn’t been to a haunted house since like 5th grade and I remember being really freaked out by some parts of it. Since this is supposedly the scariest haunted house in the city, I guess I was hoping I’d get spooked like I did when I was a kid. Also, I hear tickets are like 60 bucks or something and I’m a cheap bastard so I’ll do pretty much anything that normally costs money if I don’t have to pay.
Sasha: I wanted to do this because I was almost positive that I couldn’t. I wanted to feel fear in ways I never have before. Also, I knew everyone would be a dick to me if I didn’t.
Kathleen: At first I didn’t even consider going, but I read too many accounts online and got really curious. Then I had a few drinks and was convinced by the bravery of everyone else.
Josh: A few things. one, I like taking advantage of living in New York. New Yorkers pass up on more arts and culture, and general experiences, than almost anyone, only because we have so much offered to us.
Ryan: I’m always up for something weird and free.
DIY Halloween Costume: Torso in a Suitcase
Back in the day when Halloween was way cooler, Celts would dress up in scary costumes to frighten away demons. I like my costumes to follow the same notion because it’s badass and because we’ve accumulated a lot of frightening shit over the past five centuries. One of the scarier stories that I’ve heard is of more recent history: The Tale of the Troubled Man-Boy Who Wanted to Become Famous by Dismembering Kittens and People.) That’s why this year I decided to dress up as the infamous torso in a suitcase. Maybe I’ll be able to rid the impulse-to-produce-snuff kinds of demons.
STEP 1: FIND A VICTIM
You’re going to have to cut up a suitcase, so find one that you don’t really care about. I found mine at a second-hand store for eight dollars. At the same time, you can’t just pick any old suitcase, so this might be a bit of a scavenger hunt. You have to make sure that whatever you choose will be big enough for the core of your body to fit inside of, and sturdy enough to hold up its structure. You’re essentially just making a dress out of a suitcase, so choose something you’re going to feel excited about.
STEP 2: CHOSE YOUR WEAPON
What I didn’t realize before starting the project is that it would require the use of power tools, which in this context made me feel sort of nauseous. If you don’t trust yourself to use power tools without accidentally cutting off your own arms, get a friend to help! We used a Dremel mini-grinder. If you don’t have one of these at home already, I would suggest buying one because they’re awesome. That would bring the total cost of this costume up to 40 dollars, which is still considerably less than a shitty packaged costume you would find at a Halloween story. Plus you’ll be the proud owner of a tiny, electric-powered death-bringer.
