The Sexist Illuminati Mind Control Conspiracy Behind Amanda Bynes’ Mental Breakdown
Amanda Bynes’s reign of Twitter terror ended two weeks ago when authorities placed her on a 5150 psych hold for setting a fire in the driveway of an old lady rocking a bowl cut. Doctors have allegedly diagnosed her withschizophrenia, which would explain her proclivity for twerking on gym machines, calling Degrassi star Aubrey Graham ugly, and flitting around New York in a menagerie of tragic wigs. But this hasn’t stopped a faction of the internet from believing Amanda is actually a victim of monarch mind control, an Illuminati practice widely used by the Walt Disney Corporation and Teen Nick to monetize and sexualize young starlets.
Supposedly developed in its current form by the C.l.A. to subdue American citizens, monarch mind control is being used by the Hollywood industrial complex to micro-manage child stars. The monarch mind control victims are called kittens and the executives and managers that control them are known as handlers. Supposedly, the handlers take a precocious kitten, such as an All That era Amanda Bynes, and subject her to mental and sexual abuse until her personality fractures and separates like a horcrux, making her unquestioning and compliant. The handlers then conclude the abuse with a weird Adams Family Values summer camp punishment, where the kitten watchesThe Wizard of Oz over and over again till submitting to her handlers gives her true happiness. After she turns 18, the handlers repeat these steps to transform her from a manageable performer into a highly profitable object of fantasy.
Last week, Reddit’s internet detectives swarmed on a subreddit for Houston, Texas after a user called Joelikesmusic posted a mysterious thread asking insiders what the deal was with a bizarre room at the localHotel ZaZa. As you can see in the picture above, the decor in room 322 errs more on the deeply unsettling, Jodorowsky side of a “comfortable, welcoming hotel experience,” with sinister paintings hanging above a concrete floor, what looks like a two-way mirror next to a bed that’s chained to the wall, and a portrait of Stanford Financial Group president Jay Comeaux overlooking the whole distressing tableau.
The room was accidentally booked for Joelikesmusic’s work colleague, who was then supposedly told that room 322 wasn’t meant to be booked at all. And it’s not difficult to see why—it looks like a snuff movie location. But despite the room being an absolute creep-fest, Kyra Coots, the Houston ZaZa’s head of e-marketing, told the Houseton Chronicle that—like the other themed rooms ZaZa prides itself on—the “Hard Times” room is just a “kooky” take on yet another theme: jail.
Being the internet, people have started to throw around entirely unfounded conclusions about room 322, based on wild speculations they’ve made about things they can ascertain from the photographs.
THE THEORIES ABOUT THE PICTURES ON THE WALL Some think they’ve linked Stanford’s Jay Comeaux to ZaZa President Benji Homsey, suggesting they could’ve been in the same or related fraternity chapters at university. Comeaux went to Louisiana State University, home of the Delta Kappa Epsilon (DKE) fraternity and the secretive frat, “the Friars.”
The goal of the Friars is apparently to resurrect DKE’s “Zeta Zeta” chapter—could the name ZaZa itself be a reference to this? Is Benji Homsey the “Benny H.” whose signature is on another of the room’s portraits?
THE THEORIES ABOUT THE ROOM NUMBERS Others have connected Comeaux and the Friars to the elite Yale Skull and Bones Society, which counts ex-presidents George Bush Jr. and his dad as members. The number 322 is supposedly relevant to the group, as well as the skulls and bones littering the room.
There are websites that claim the Skull and Bones Society dates back to 1832, when it “paid obeisance to Eulogia, the goddess of eloquence, who took her place in the pantheon upon the death of the orator Demosthenes in 322 BC.” The number 322 is also thought to reference the club’s founding in America after originally being established in Germany, it being the second chapter—1832 - 2. Writer on the occult Nick Farrell told me the numbers refer to “Hebrew geomatria—each letter is a number so you can add up numbers to make words; 322 means any of these. It depends on the context, but ‘lamb’ would be a common one and ‘man’ another, but it could also be the number of a demon.”
Look, we’ve been through this before. Anyone who still thinks that we predicted 9/11 in 1994, understand this: THE 1994 ISSUE WAS A JOKE WRITTEN IN 2009 TO CELEBRATE OUR FIFTEENTH ANNIVERSARY. Apparently, writing an article called “What Is Al-Qaeda?” was a much smarter joke than we ever realized, because again and again people are holding it up as an example of us being in collusion with the American government to pull off the biggest terrorist attack in human history.
One more time: The drawing of Beavis and Butthead flying around the World Trade Center, which we ran in 2009, doesn’t have any bearing on 9/11 at all. It was just us having a lol. Using it to prove that Bush is an Illuminati puppet is a little like using the “chicken crossing the road” joke to prove that the egg came first.
The same force responsible for rigging the Global Economic Collapse and The Iraq War has now taken things a step further and tricked hip America into enjoying a Monster Energy Drink-chugging Kid Rock collaborator.
Born Michael Wayne Atha, Yelawolf is a Heartland rapper of Caucasian descent who has produced zero notable or listenable tracks. This is a photograph taken of him a few years ago:
As you can see, he definitely does not look cool. A quick listen to his music will invoke reactions of a similar nature. That’s because Yelawolf’s flow, style and attitude are merely an updated version of the very non-cool Rap-Rock movement of the late 90’s pioneered by Limp Bizkit and The Kottonmouth Kings. On top of that he is B.F.F’s with Kid Rock, the republican activist and sick nihilist behind the smash hits “Cowboy” and “Batwitdaba,” who also happens to be known for performing a “God Bless the Troops” special during a professional wrestling match. Not very hip.
Why then, has someone who appears to embody the antithesis of contemporary hipsterdom gained such a significant cyberspace presence from hip media outlets? Why is a bad Fred Durst impersonator who dresses like Kriss Angel: Mind Freak selling out hipster showcases and venues? Why did The Fader put a man with a dubstep meme haircut on their cover?