The 21 Sexiest Things About Sex
Sex! What’s it all about? “Fanny farts” and creeping to the bathroom with cum dribbling down your leg, if this article in the Metro is anything to go by. Hannah Gale, who wrote the “The 21 Unsexiest Things About Sex,” says she’s “just being honest” and challenging “unrealistic” sex scenes in rom-coms. But honestly, if you’re that fucking basic that your view of sex is in any way influenced by rom-coms, then I’m sorry, you actually deserve shit sex. She doesn’t even preface her list with any real acknowledgment that sex can be great fun, or that women’s pleasure is important. It comes across like “women don’t really enjoy sex, it’s all just so dirty and embarrassing.” Way to go, Hannah.
The article’s been shared over 112,000 times on social media. No doubt by the sort of women who spend their weekends listening to Kylie and drinking white wine spritzers. The kind of people who bought Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus in the 90s and rabbit dildos in the noughties—but only “for a laugh,” because Samantha from Sex and the City had one. I refuse to believe any men who aren’t called Percy or Harold shared this story because given the chance most guys would shag a watermelon so long as they a) didn’t have to wear a condom and b) could cum inside it. Like they give a shit about awkwardness. Just kidding, fellas. I think?
There’s probably a serious point to be made about carnal politics and how, in our over-sanitized, digitized world, the squelchy business of sex can be such a source of embarrassment. I could keep certain political debate sites ticking over all week with my thoughts on the pressure for women to look a certain way and why, with the pornification of our culture and lack of useful education around modern sexuality. Or I could get into the fact that these days many women feel like sex is something to be performed rather than enjoyed with wanton inhibition—but I’d rather just talk about sex.
So here are my 21 sexiest things about sex. I did a callout for suggestions on Facebook and answers ranged from “Sacred sex where you commit an act of bonding” to “Rimming until your partner is begging you to fuck them.” Pigs. “Making love” is all well and good, but it always fucks you in the end. This list is about the delights of a fully-fledged passion. I’m not including the sexiest part of sex, which, of course, is our imagination and the mystery of what’s to come. You may not agree with my points and, despite my best efforts to fuck as many people as possible, I cannot reflect every single person’s experience of desire, so if you have better suggestions about what makes sex sexy, do let me know in the comments. Shit like that turns me on.
Photo author’s own
PARIS LEES’ 21 SEXIEST THINGS ABOUT SEX
1 – The smell. If you don’t like the smell of sex, I don’t know, maybe you’re not human? Sex smells… sexy?
2 – Socks. When your trusted fuck-buddy stuffs socks inside your mouth and ties your hands behind your back while ramming you like a champ. You people all do that, right?
3 – When a guy cums inside you and leaves himself inside and then you feel it getting hard again and he fucks you and cums again without ever taking it out. Not only is that sexy, you don’t have to worry about fanny farts that way, Hannah.
4 – Squeezing a guy while he’s inside you. It’s kind of like your pussy/butt saying, “I got you, homie.”
5 – Speaking of which, when he puts it in. And it feels like you’re sitting on an air freshener canister. Oh. My. Lord. What do you mean it’s “not all in yet”? Go, go gadget dick!
James Franco’s Summer Book Club
Summer is here, so I thought I would offer a few books that have been on my list. All of these books have left their stamps on my memory. There was the summer I read Moby-Dick, and the summer I read Moby-Dick again… I hope to pass on some books that might make a few marks on your own souls.
See the reading list
Lindsay Lohan’s Leaked Sexual Conquests, Ranked
Have you ever created a list of all the celebrities you’ve fucked while playing Scattergories with your homegirls? Us neither! But as we all know, none of us are Lindsay Lohan—the perpetually scandal-ridden tabloid star (allegedly) wrote a list out at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and because Lindsay is Lindsay, she forgot the list at the hotel and it found its way toInTouch magazine. The list (which some people think is fake, and Lindsay could always be lying about some of the names, but whatever) resembles the Hollywood Reporter’s power rankings, except, we couldn’t help but notice, they’re all out of order. (Also, for some reason Lindsay has excluded her teen love, Aaron Carter. Maybe Lindsay doesn’t consider Aaron a celebrity?) Here’s the list of names from most impressive conquest to least impressive.
1. Heath Ledger (legendary actor, now dead)
“After I win an Oscar, I can start thinking about love,” Lindsay said in 2012 during an interview to promote the Lifetime movie Liz and Dick. Lindsay has clearly done more lovemaking than acting in the last few years, which hasn’t helped her quest for a tiny golden man, but that doesn’t really matter: She. Fucked. Heath. Ledger. Who needs an Oscar, or love, when you have that Academy Award–winning, tragically dead notch on your belt?
2. Justin Timberlake (actor/singer/Britney Spears’s former boyfriend)
There’s a theory that if two girls have sex with the same boy they become “vagina sisters” and feel each other’s emotions for the rest of their lives. Considering Lindsay banged pop-star-turned-Tennessee-Williams-character Britney Spears’s first kiss, it’s no wonder her life fell apart! You’d be crazy too if you felt what Britney felt when recorded “personal” songs with Will.I.Am.
3. Colin Farrell (actor/hot Irish drunk)
That encounter must have been like two drunken, insane, attention-starved ships passing in the night. By the way, have you seen Colin Farrel’s dick pics?
Colin Farrell: NOT A VIRGIN, sez LiLo. Photo via Flickr user GabboT
4. Joaquin Phoenix (Oscar-nominated actor/performance artist)
I can imagine Lindsay fucking Joaquin while thinking that he was in love with her—or, at least, that the relationship would help her get cast in a P.T. Anderson film, but I can also imagining them meeting while Joaquin was stumbling around Chateau Marmont in a dirty suit, rambling about rap music, in the name of performance art.
5. Adam Levine (singer/judge on The Voice)
He’s a tough one to rank. I mean, no matter what you think of The Voice, LOOK AT THESE FUCKING ABS.
6. Zac Efron (former Disney Channel star)
Yes, he’s the most attractive man in the world. But is Zac Efron’s career more depressing than Lindsay Lohan’s? After thrusting his pelvis while throwing sand in the air in High School Musical, he starred in a string of Nicholas Sparks-inspired romantic flops. Nobody cared when Zac entered rehab for a coke addiction last year, and this week he said he wants to star in a High School Musical reunion, which is not a good sign. It’s off brand for Lindsay to fuck such a failure, I thought, but then I remembered Zac wearing wet white briefs in The Paperboy, and reconsidered. Oh, and she misspelled his name on the list :(
How to Make Friends and Influence Dudes Into Sleeping with You
Like any good homosexual with an iPhone and a propensity for indiscretion, I spend plenty of time on Grindr, the app that shows you other gay dudes in your immediate vicinity who are also looking for dick. In fact, if we’re being honest, I’m in that bathhouse in your pocket 90 percent of the day. That said, familiarity breeds contempt, and there are a whole host of things about the way people behave on Grindr that make me angrier than that meth head I asked to use a condom that one time.
Here are ten abysmally common things I hope to never see again.
There is no bigger woodkill than looking at a picture of a sexy queer with some sweaty drunk girl draped over him like some fleshy poncho. I love my lady friends and have taken many fine photos with them, but I know they don’t want to be involved in my trying to find some cheap ass in the neighborhood. In fact, unless you are part of a couple looking to explore, there really shouldn’t be anyone else in any of the pictures you send out to strangers, even guys (especially if the guys are hotter than you).
BEST OF THE BEST OF 2012: NPR’S TOP 50
It’s that time of year again: anus itch season. Talkadoodles and decidamathons. Music music guess what’s what. A time when publications that talk about music release their you-scratch-my-back-I-scratch-yours list of artists whose record labels bought ad space or sent free download codes. Or, less cynically: music from the year, presented in a more digestible form than most of the time, cranked out and hastily invoiced by beleaguered critics everywhere, hopefully in time to get the poor bastards on the bottom rungs of the biz a little extra holiday cash, and editors and mid-tier scramblers can wait out the clock until the new year by dicking around on Twitter and calling it business. Yes, that’s the least cynical version I can think of for what happens every December with the lists. It’s a mad dash to be the first to limp to the finish.
The good news for regular citizens is you can finally just read one thing and get some straight answers out of people. Or at least less crooked answers. Most of the time music reviews are complete bullshit, like that timesomebody at Vice didn’t like the new Metz album because apparently in that particular 20 minute chunk of their lives they had a migraine and the drums kicked too much ass for them to handle without pukeyfacing. Music reviews are bullshit because the person writing them is getting paid somewhere between zero and some piddling useless amount of dollars, and therefore there’s no stakes, and therefore say whatever you think is best to keep the piddling useless dollars coming in, and do it quick with the first thought that pops into your head because your opinion will never matter as much as word of mouth plus time anyway, and it’s not like the free download is a huge favor because the internet exists. BUT: end of the year lists pare down all that regular bullshit and focus on the bullshit that these people apparently actually believe.
I am a fan of year-end lists because they serve as a roadmap to what kind of people believe what outlandish bullshit things. I like to take these lists, most of which consist of stuff I never heard of because I’ve managed to limit my informational intake to hyper-specific, reliable filters which generally do not waste my time telling me about stuff I have a low chance of actually liking, and attack them with my own kneejerk bullshit. Why? Because that’s even lazier and more cynical than writing a list of my own, and it results in more piddling useless dollars for me. You’re welcome.
Take for example the alphabetically arranged non-hierarchical list supplied by the poor deluded fucks at NPR. Alright gang, let’s riff. Let’s have an NPRty.
Ab-Soul, Control System
I’m sure NPR likes this because this guy is saying some moderately thoughtful stuff and the beats are less predictable than usual, but who actually wants to listen to a song called “Double Standards”? Why stop there? Why not a club banger called “Airport Security”?
Alabama Shakes, Boys And Girls
Making music your parents would like isn’t just for the Fleet Foxes anymore.
Alisa Weilerstein, Cello Concertos (Elgar & Carter)
Look out Yo-Yo Ma, there’s a new cellist in zzzzzzz
Alt-J, An Awesome Wave
Here’s the first of probably many entries on this list which seems like its primary reason for existing is to be transition music on NPR. Like there’s some report on a Peruvian ballet troupe struggling to make art with their limited resources, and then this pops on for fifteen seconds to help convince you that what you just heard was in fact very interesting and not a desperate attempt at interestingness which combines several things you don’t care about. It is relatively high energy, but stark and dramatic at the same time, and it’s constantly throwing “interesting” sounds at you, like bassoons and toy pianos, and layering everything a million times for no reason. And now here’s Terry Gross with “Fresh Air.”
Andy Stott, Luxury Problems
This is the kind of electronic music you’d hear in a modern art museum and it’s actually more boring than silence.
A nice lil’ multi-culti entry for NPR, this one apparently a Chilean version of MGMT. There is actually some very cool shit going on in Chile right now. This is the Wavves to that cool shit’s Thee Oh Sees.
Berlin Philharmonic, St. Matthew Passion
You know who I love? Classical radio DJs. They’re the best. Just in general, when people are only into classical music: the best. I mean, terrible, yeah, but taking the stance that nothing good has happened for over a hundred years is incredible. I can just picture them wincing at the overbearing city noise and fully bear hugging not just their ears but the entire sides of their heads in agony as a wailing ambulance drives by them on the street. Classical-only people are so prim and snooty and delicate they’re like some vestigial form of cultural renegade. I imagine if you pushed one over they would just lie there totally fucked like an upside-down turtle. You’ve got to love it when human society subverts nature and allows people like that to exist.
Meek Mill, Dreamchasers 2
I feel like hip hop at this point is as horrible and predictable and soul-crushing and ceaseless and artless and stagnant as the poverty and violence on the streets it comes from. This guy tells the narrative of how he grew up in a terrible place, sold drugs, and then became successful while so many others didn’t, and his embrace of every trapping of his prosperous lifestyle is fueled by guilt and regret. You may be familiar. Also: you can dance and fuck to it and play it real loud in a car with a lot of bass. Not that NPR listeners are doing those things. Instead they’re nodding their heads to the narrative and saying “oh, isn’t it awful” and “good for him.”
Bobby Womack, The Bravest Man In The Universe
Damon Albarn picked Womack up off the scrap heap and produced this album. It’s kind of like an extremely crappy version of the Rolling Stones reviving Muddy Waters’ career, or a more commercial and electric version of Jon Spencer and R.L. Burnside. I wonder if Bobby knows or cares what the hell is going on here.
Bomba Estereo, Elegancia Tropical
You can guess what this sounds like: an impulse buy CD at a fair trade coffeehouse.
Brooklyn Rider, Seven Steps
If you type “Brooklyn Rider, Seven Steps” into Google, the first results are Amazon, Brooklyn Rider’s website, Brooklyn Rider’s website, Brooklyn Rider’s website, and NPR First Listen. They’re a string quartet, FYI. An extremely well organized one. With a name that sounds like they should be a 2000’s synthpop version of Bachman Turner Overdrive.
Cafe Tacvba, El Objeto Antes Llmado Disco
If a band from Mexico sounds like 70’s Italian prog (think Gentle Giant plus opera) meets Animal Collective (i.e. post-digital American prog), are you allowed to not like it? Not if you’re NPR.
Carla Morrison, Dejenme Llorar
The score so far. Hip hop: 2, soul revival: 2, classical: 3, Spanish language pop: 4, bland Indie pop: 1, minimalist techno: 1, boring: yesalways.
Cat Power, Sun
Cat Power is the musical equivalent of Say Yes To The Dress (the least intolerable reality show my girlfriend watches).