Is This a Review of the New My Bloody Valentine Album?
[Eds. Note: When Hanson sent in this review, we were confused. Surely if the long-awaited follow-up to My Bloody Valentine’s seminal 1991 album Loveless leaked, we would have heard, no? And yet, Hanson insists he’s heard the album. When we pressed him for a listen, Hanson claimed that an early morning energy drink accident had resulted in a failed hard drive, and that the blog on which he found the leak had disappeared. He’s stopped answering our emails, but continues to tweet.
While we don’t want to say we don’t believe him, we also cannot say we do. What is clear, however, is that he reviewed something, and ultimately (given that taste is subjective and that it’s impossible to figure out if what I call “blue” is really what you call “blue” or if what I call “red” is actually what you call “green”)… isn’t that what matters?]
Freddie Gibbs is now writing a sports column for Noisey! Here’s his first one, about how the MLB Hall of Fame is bullshit.
Reasons Why It’s Actually Really Easy to Get Laid on Tour
Yesterday, the esteemed Noisey overlord Ben Shapiro posted a piece about why, despite the common cum-drenched perception of the rock roll lifestyle, it’s actually pretty hard to get laid while out on tour. His argument boiled down to, essentially, “Dudes in touring bands smell weird and act juvenile, plus I had a girlfriend most of the time I was on tour.”
While it’s true that I’ve never been in a band and therefore have never had a chance to take the ol’ touring van to Fuck City, Vermont—even I know that the old adage is not just “drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.” There is also a “sex” involved. So, without further adieu, here are all the reasons it’s super easy to dunk your metaphorical corndog in the human batter of your choice while on the road with your band.
THERE’S A SHIT-TON OF BOOZE
Often, touring bands don’t make too much money. It’s a shit reality that we have to deal with. Still, when a band shows up to a venue, what they don’t make in legal currency, they often make in the second-best paper known to humankind: drink tickets. Also, depending on what type of band you are, the audience is gonna get wasted at your show. If there’s one thing science has taught us, it’s that drunk people in a room tend to start making out.
Read the rest over at Noisey.
Music scenes are for idiots. Here’s why.
—Glass Wave is a band about books. Every one of their songs is based off a different bit of classical literature, which we’re pretty sure The Hold Steady already did to a less-annoying effect. They’re made up exclusively by college professors, which is double-annoying and means they’re less good at playing their instruments than real musicians who have ironic tattoos or whatever ironic people have.
—We learned that Glass Wave is a band by professors about books because they have a very extensive Wikipedia page. At the risk of speculation, we’re pretty sure they wrote most of it themselves, because as professional music critics we would describe Wampole’s voice as “not good” rather than “haunting.”
—The cover of Glass Wave has a woman reading a book on it, which reminds us of a cold, sterile Weeknd album in which no one touched or even looked at each other.
—Glass Wave bills itself as a “progressive rock band,” which is true if you like your prog played at half the skill with twice the pretension. We would rather listen to Ozric Tentacles than Glass Wave, and Ozric Tentacles are mainly notable for breaking new ground in the field of aggressively shitty music.
—Other random slander: They sound like Steely Dan ran through a poop machine, also you could call them “Ass Wave” if you wanted to be unoriginal and really mean.
“YO YOU KNOW THOSE BIG PLASTIC MICROPHONES THEY SELL AT THE TOY STORE? THIS IS WHAT THIS SHIT SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS RECORDED WITH. INTO A FAN. A BIG TOY MICROPHONE IN FRONT OF A FAN. BRB I JUST BURNED A COPY OF THIS I’M ABOUT TO GO FINGER MY MACBOOK TO IT.”
THIS WEEK IN DRAKE - BIRTHDAY EDITION
Drake turns 26 today, which means a lot of things to me. I don’t like to discuss my age, but let’s just say that we could have gone to high school together, had he moved to El Cajon in lieu of dropping out to pursue acting. We hate it when people in our general peer group become successful rappers, or something. I guess it’s similar to how I watched this kid I knew when I was seven pitch in the playoffs this year and even though I hope dude gets Best New Pitcher I’m still pretty glad his team didn’t make it to the World Series, you know? Despite the fact that I’ve never had any desire to be a rapper or athlete I still sometimes feel like they’ve accomplished exponentially more than me. Not that I’m not doing all right—I can afford to buy several adult beers and Chipotle and a pint of ice cream at least four nights/week—but I do use the terms “tuxedo” and “suit” and “blazer” interchangeably, whereas these dudes are going on private jets. Life is ultimately meaningless and no one wins, so it’s fine. It’s fine.
26 is an important year though, because it means that Drake has one year left to do dangerous drugs before he will automatically die from doing them. Now I don’t think that Drake really does the drugs that kill people, but if I were him I would probably make this the last year that I mess with lean, just in case. I don’t want 2013 to be the year they start letting rappers into the 27 Club.
WATCH ACTION BRONSON’S NEW VIDEO FOR “THE SYMBOL”
Foodie rapper Action Bronson (AKA Ill Prosciutto, AKA Bam Bam Bigalow, AKA Bronsolino) is the newest addition to the VICE Records dynasty. Us here at Noisey are psyched as hell, mostly because this means he’ll be bringing us doggie bags of his famous wild imported Irish goat, which apparently he makes in a BBQ pit somewhere in Queens. Mmm.
Today he dropped the video to “The Symbol,” the first cut off his upcoming Rare Chandeliers mixtape, which was produced by West Coast producer The Alchemist, who you probably know from a resume that includes work with Dilated Peoples, Mobb Deep, Just Blaze, Ghostface, Odd Future… we could go on, but we won’t. Instead, here’s an exclusive download of the track, plus a stream. Fuck with it.