We Reviewed Every Band That’s Playing Bonnaroo
Every year, countless people migrate from around the world to attend Bonnaroo, a three-day bacchanalia of tent cities, blistering heat, and unshowered people on ecstasy feeling each other up to a variety of popular pop, rock, hip-hop, and EDM from the past and present. This year, Bonnaroo outdid itself in terms of headliners, booking Kanye West, Sir Elton John, and Jack White as the marquee acts for the fest. Because we are the greatest and best music site the world has ever known, Noisey editors Eric Sundermann and Drew Millard took it upon themselves to review the entire lineup in the span of about twenty minutes. What follows are their unedited thoughts on every single band that Bonnaroo booked this year. SPOILER ALERT: They hadn’t heard of like half of them.
Yeezy is the greatest artist of our generation and while on stage he wears a discoball on his head and fistbumps with Jesus Christ.
This guy still really likes guitars.
The Arctic Monkeys are still really big in the UK because the UK is still really into leather jackets.
Already wears headbands, he’ll be perfect.
Neutral Milk Hotel
You have a friend who really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really likes this band.
Not that tight.
SuperJam with Skrillex & Friends
The Bluegrass Situation Superjam hosted by Ed Helms
You know, I don’t mind the last few seasons of The Office.
One time I interviewed Disclosure and had no idea who they were, then I listened to their record, and then I realized neo-garage was stupid as shit.
The Head and the Heart
According to google, The Head and the Heart are an indie-folk band, which would explain why no Noisey reader has ever heard of them.
Y R U MY CLARITY
Ms. Lauryn Hill
Entire set will be cut off if anyone looks them in the eyes.
Apparently Bonnaroo does this thing where they hold a competition for the “funkiest dancer,” and that’s what this is, and tbqh kind of makes me not want to go to Bonnaroo.
Everyone wants Janelle Monae to be better than Janelle Monae will ever be.
This is a band for boring people who think having sex with the lights on is kinky.
I’m getting to the part of the list of bands I don’t recognize.
Invariably, when I google the acts on this list I’ve never heard of, I find that there’s a good reason I’ve never heard of them.
Fascinating fact: Dr. Dog is the band that Noisey gets pitched on, by both writers and publicists, that we refuse to cover. See?
Yonder Mountain String Band
John Butler Trio
White-dude-with-dreadlocks music. Not the worst, if you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m not.
Game of Thrones returns April 6.
Read the Whole List