Toronto’s Rob Ford, the World’s Greatest Mayor, Smokes Crack
There came a point on Thursday afternoon—after learning that Toronto mayor Rob Ford had taken some time off from an important city-council meeting to wander around a parking lot sticking “Rob Ford” magnets to cars—that I figured it would be time to update you about the ongoing saga that is Robbie’s intoxicated reign over the Kingdom of Toronto. Way back when, before the already infamous crack-cocaine scandal of May 2013, the magnet controversy of 24 hours earlier didn’t seem so important. That is, of course, until Gawker broke the story that some guy, somewhere, has a video of King Robbie smoking crack from a glass pipe. And the footage is for sale. Until someone buys it, you can always watch the Taiwanese CGI reenactment.
Gawker—who have decided that this is not an “alleged” or “supposed” crack-smoking incident, given that they’ve got a graphic that reads “Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Smokes Crack” on their homepage—have caused a major firestorm for King Robbie the First in the City of Toronto. The Toronto Star, an ungrateful and petulant organization that is hell-bent on taking down the mayor, has viewed the tape “three times” but was clearly too cheap to buy it and stream it for the royal subjects of the Rob Ford empire. Plus, according to them, they saw this video on May 3. Why keep all this crack-smoking mayhem a secret? And what kind of incompetent blackmail-video salesman is behind this controversy? How can you mess up on monetizing such a golden piece of footage? One must assume they’re ready to let it go at fire-sale prices right now.
Rob Ford, the World’s Greatest Mayor, Has a Terrible Photographer
Rob Ford is a sentient chunk of Spam and the current mayor of Toronto. He also happens to be VICE Canada’s favorite politician, for many reasons. Unfortunately, Rob has been doing a mediocre job at engaging with the kids on social media, and we think we know why: his photographer is awful. While it would behoove the visually clueless political aide Rob has documenting him to read a damn book about the rule of thirds and proper focus, the damage has already been done. Above, you can see one of this photographer’s greater triumphs: Robbie sitting in a flashy McLaren whip, telling his haters that they can’t tell him nothin’. Unfortunately, save for this glorious photo that he has made his Facebook cover image, Rob’s Facebook page is riddled with unflattering portraits.
What the hell is this framing all about? Why are we looking at half of Rob’s rosy face and three-quarters of that seafoam-green vintage Caddy? Is Rob even interested in the Caddy? We could see Rob cruising around the city in this classy vehicle, blaring “Money Ain’t a Thang” and waving at all his gorgeous lady constituents, but please, ask the man to pose for a photo with the car. And what is Rob looking at, anyway? There’s probably something way cooler on the horizon that only Rob can see. Trust this man’s vision.
No! Come on! He doesn’t even have his eyes open and his skin looks like it’s made of bubble gum and ham. Look at the contrast between the shadow on his forehead and the harsh light striking his cheek. His hand looks like it was just stung by an entire wasps’ nest. Plus, he’s in front of some boring ancient vehicle that no one has ever wanted to take a photo beside. Why was this uploaded?
Rob Ford, the World’s Greatest Mayor, Has Conquered His Adversaries
Despite the grand conspiracy pushed forth by Toronto’s anti-high school football illuminati, Rob Ford, the World’s Greatest Mayor, is keeping his job.
Just in case you haven’t been keeping up with the Andy Kaufman-esque King of Toronto over the past few months, a whistleblower named Paul started whining about ol’ Robbie’s campaign to get donations for his beloved football team on city letterhead. It resulted in just over $3,000 in contributions, not a ton of money, because evidently Rob is not a master of charitable sales pitches. Anyway, while Paul and others found this to be a conflict of interest, and even though Rob Ford was temporarily fired, all of this jibber jabber about whether or not it’s all right for mayors to seek donations to fund high school kids’ love of touchdowns and tackles was for naught. This is the political equivalent of being pronounced dead on the operating table, then suddenly jolting back to life with a newfound respect for conflict of interest appeals.
At this point, it’s unsure how Rob Ford is going to celebrate. Over here at VICE Toronto HQ, we are speculating whether or not he will throw an awesome rager at his mom’s house, go visit the Winnipeg and Detroit border, or avoid a gay pride celebration. Only time can answer this important question.
What we do know is that Rob Ford will continue to be the King of Toronto until October 27, 2014. This means way more GIFs of Rob Ford falling down, more racially questionable comments about “orientals” and “gino-boys,” and a total lack of remorse for any cyclists in Toronto who end up underneath the wheels of an automobile. Sure, we could build bike lanes, but why the fuck would we do that? We’ve got gravy to cut back on. And no, the grand irony of a man who looks like he is made up of 70 percent real gravy trying to cut back on the city’s figurative gravy is not lost on most people.
Toronto Just Fired the Greatest Mayor of All Time
Toronto has had a very exciting 24 hours. Last night, our Canadian football team won the Grey Cup. This morning, we fired our 64th mayor: Rob Ford. Over here at the VICE Toronto office, we fell in love with this amiable, clumsy, fat drunk guy early on. It was love at first laugh, after he chased a reporter out of City Hall forcalling him a “fat fuck.” We understand that this is the same guy who was arrested for a DUI in Florida while he was riding dirty with a bag of weed, and yes, ol’ Rob may or may not have threatened to kidnap his own children, but he was our kidnapping, reckless driving, weed loving mayor.
Inevitably, Rob’s downfall came from his one tragic flaw: a love of high school football. Yes, Rob coached a high school football team in Etobicoke called the Don Bosco Eagles, and those little fuckers took Rob down. All the trouble really started when Rob started writing letters asking for donations to the Don Bosco Eagles using“official letterhead and other city resources,” which caused some people over at City Hall to find this swinging of mayoral dick to be a massive conflict of interest. When Rob was on trial to defend his solicitation of football donations, the prosecution argued that ol’ Ford was “willfully ignorant” of breaking Toronto’s Conflict of Interest Act. Despite all the haters, Rob Ford continued to use his mayoral powers to make things easier on Etobicoke’s finest high school football players. Earlier this month, two Toronto Transit buses were emptied so that they could go and pick up Rob’s football team. Rob claims it was all a misunderstanding. He said that the buses were diverted to stop a fight between the two teams playing that day, a fight that Rob blamed on the opposing team’s coach, and honestly, we believe him entirely.
Rob Ford exhibiting his sweet moves on the gridiron.
The best part about Rob’s storied reign as Toronto’s supreme ruler, is that the laughs just didn’t seem to ever want to stop. Remember when he had to pee at a CFL game and accidentally walked into the Calgary Stampeders’ locker room at half-time? Presumably drunk as fuck? Or how about this past summer, after thehorrifyingly tragic shooting on Danzig St. in Scarborough, when Rob ordered the deportation of “white, pink, or purple” people?
We’ll always remember Rob Ford as a man of the people, who always had time for his loyal subjects. One very lucky mother and daughter got to see Rob in person, while he was obviously on an important call pertaining to official city business, as he was talking on his cell phone and driving. The mother, a concerned citizen, warned the mayor of the dangers of driving while talking on a cell phone. Rob, understandably bothered, flipped off the nosey woman who was driving with her six year old daughter. He had to teach that mother and daughter a hard lesson about Rob’s personal immunity to safe driving laws, and we’re sure they’re better off for it.
Another snoopy citizen spotted Rob Ford reading while he was driving. This concerned stick-in-the-mud tweeted a photo of Rob watching his paperwork instead of the road, and it caused a bit of a stir. Rob Ford calmly explained to the press that he was “probably busy” and fully admitted to reading and driving. When else is the guy gonna read? He’s only going to be on the can for so many hours in a day.
Robbie reading in the whip.
Tough love driving lessons aside, Rob was always looking out for the well being of Toronto’s citizens. Six months before he was elected mayor, Rob suggested that one of his constituents, a guy named Dieter who was complaining about health problems, “score” some OxyContin “on the street.” Rob claims he was just trying to get out of an awkward phone conversation by suggesting that Dieter should go and buy some drugs illegally, to help fix Dieter’s chronic pain. Perfectly understandable behaviour for a mayoral candidate.