Teenagers Aren’t Any Crazier Than They Used to Be 

As someone who writes a weekly column dedicated to Americans between the ages of 13 and 19, a lot of people think I consider myself some sort of teen expert. I don’t. I’m just a man who believes that our awkward youth warrant attention. After all, teens are what keep culture moving forward. Mostly, though, my feelings about them roughly echo those novelist Teju Cole expresses about American sentimentality in his unforgettable series of tweets on the White Savior Industrial Complex: I deeply respect teens, the way one respects a wounded hippo. You must keep an eye on them, for you know they are deadly.
VICE: I write a weekly column about teenagers, but I’m really just an amateur scholar. You’re billed as a teen expert. What does that entail, exactly?Dr. Melissa Deuter: I’ve been a psychiatrist for ten years. I primarily treat teenagers and I write a blog. A lot of what I do is for parents, because the parents are the ones seeking information about how they can improve things in the family.
One common sentiment is that today’s kids are so much worse than generations past. Have you noticed a decline in behavior among teens, both in the ten years that you’ve been practicing and also in comparison with your own youth?No, I don’t think kids these days are any different than kids when I was a teenager. I think parents are different, and cultural expectations are different, and the way we teach kids and supervise is different. For example, teenagers now have been supervised more heavily. When I was a kid, I’m not going to say I walked up the hill both ways in the snow, but I walked a mile to school with my siblings, unsupervised. That was common and people weren’t scared about doing that. Now most kids spend most of their time directly in contact with adults who supervise them. That changes how they behave and how they relate to adults but I don’t think kids themselves are inherently different. It’s just that when you change the soil, the plant looks a little different.
In your mind, there are more restrictions on kids now?There’s more supervision; I don’t know if it’s restrictive. When I was a kid, there was a lot more time that kids played with other kids and adults weren’t overseeing them. Maybe the parents now are overseeing kids and really letting them do a lot of things, but the parents are there. That wasn’t the case a generation ago.
So there’s less independence.You have a lot less independence. They talk about entitlements. 20-year-olds are now going into the work place, being difficult or wanting their hand held. A lot of those differences come directly out of always being supervised.
Continue

Teenagers Aren’t Any Crazier Than They Used to Be 

As someone who writes a weekly column dedicated to Americans between the ages of 13 and 19, a lot of people think I consider myself some sort of teen expert. I don’t. I’m just a man who believes that our awkward youth warrant attention. After all, teens are what keep culture moving forward. Mostly, though, my feelings about them roughly echo those novelist Teju Cole expresses about American sentimentality in his unforgettable series of tweets on the White Savior Industrial ComplexI deeply respect teens, the way one respects a wounded hippo. You must keep an eye on them, for you know they are deadly.

VICE: I write a weekly column about teenagers, but I’m really just an amateur scholar. You’re billed as a teen expert. What does that entail, exactly?
Dr. Melissa Deuter: I’ve been a psychiatrist for ten years. I primarily treat teenagers and I write a blog. A lot of what I do is for parents, because the parents are the ones seeking information about how they can improve things in the family.

One common sentiment is that today’s kids are so much worse than generations past. Have you noticed a decline in behavior among teens, both in the ten years that you’ve been practicing and also in comparison with your own youth?
No, I don’t think kids these days are any different than kids when I was a teenager. I think parents are different, and cultural expectations are different, and the way we teach kids and supervise is different. For example, teenagers now have been supervised more heavily. When I was a kid, I’m not going to say I walked up the hill both ways in the snow, but I walked a mile to school with my siblings, unsupervised. That was common and people weren’t scared about doing that. Now most kids spend most of their time directly in contact with adults who supervise them. That changes how they behave and how they relate to adults but I don’t think kids themselves are inherently different. It’s just that when you change the soil, the plant looks a little different.

In your mind, there are more restrictions on kids now?
There’s more supervision; I don’t know if it’s restrictive. When I was a kid, there was a lot more time that kids played with other kids and adults weren’t overseeing them. Maybe the parents now are overseeing kids and really letting them do a lot of things, but the parents are there. That wasn’t the case a generation ago.

So there’s less independence.
You have a lot less independence. They talk about entitlements. 20-year-olds are now going into the work place, being difficult or wanting their hand held. A lot of those differences come directly out of always being supervised.

Continue

We made a virtual girl to see what Tinder had to say to her. 

We Talked to a Dick Pic Expert About Vag Pics
Lawyer by day, dick pic critic by night, Madeleine Holden knows how to multi-task. The New Zealander is the curator and commentator behind Critique My Dick Pic (Link NSFW), a virtual Day of Reckoning for the world’s crappy dick pics, which went viralalmost as soon as it began last September. 
 
While the title alone was strong enough to garner tumblr attention, Holden’s blog is far from a gimmick. Submissions are assigned a letter grade and judged based on composition, lighting, and creativity, but the site has a strict no body- or size-shaming policy, and accepts submissions from anyone with a dick—men, ladies with strap-ons, and trans people are welcome to send in their artfully put together cock shots. Critiques are thoughtful (“Your dick pic is different in that your dick is soft yet you’ve managed to make it visually appealing by cupping it intimately with your hand”), funny (“Dude, this isn’t good. Your own girlfriend has given you a five and she loves you and knows about all your good qualities and likes that cute thing you do with your mouth”), and dripping with feminist swagger, much like Holden’s Twitter presence. 
 
As a sender and receiver of the occasional sexy message myself, I appreciate Holden’s efforts. There truly is a dearth of imagination out there when it comes to ways men choose to photograph their dicks. For a long time I held that against them—why was I messing with lighting and angles when I was getting sent the photographic equivalent of that comedy boner boi-oi-oiiing noise? I recently realized, however, that I was sending back full bod shots—this is where I had them beat. Turns out it’s hard (pun intended, forever) to take a pic of just genitals. Solo gens do not a cute pic make. At least not without some work. I thought it might be time to consult an expert. Can the vag pic have a renaissance like the one @moscaddie is helping bring about with the dick pic? We caught up with the dick pic critic, currently traveling around the States on a break from balancing criminal defense with Female God’s work to ask about logs, unsolicited sexts, and the future—if any—of the vag pic. 
 
Note: The interview is worksafe, but consider this a blanket NSFW warning for the links.
 
VICE: Hi, Madeleine. So, Critique My Dick Pic started in September, inspired by one particularly well-done dick pic. Why do you think the current state of dick pics is so dismal? What are the main mistakes holding dick pics back?
Madeleine Holden: I think that the main problem with dick pics is that men are preoccupied with using them as an advertisement for their size, rather than as a piece of erotic material intended to turn someone else on. That’s the reason that most dick pics are logs, and why an alarming number of them contain an inanimate object provided for scale. Pictures like this reek of insecurity and they’re extremely dull. Dick pics should include some non-dick body parts, and a dispiriting number of them don’t. 
 
Another reason that the current state of dick pics is so dismal is that there is a culture of non-consent that surrounds them. Dick pics are often thrust at women unsolicited on dating sites and social media, and they are widely reviled for this reason. We need to encourage senders of dick pics to share them strictly with people who want to see them. 
Continue

We Talked to a Dick Pic Expert About Vag Pics

Lawyer by day, dick pic critic by night, Madeleine Holden knows how to multi-task. The New Zealander is the curator and commentator behind Critique My Dick Pic (Link NSFW), a virtual Day of Reckoning for the world’s crappy dick pics, which went viralalmost as soon as it began last September. 
 
While the title alone was strong enough to garner tumblr attention, Holden’s blog is far from a gimmick. Submissions are assigned a letter grade and judged based on composition, lighting, and creativity, but the site has a strict no body- or size-shaming policy, and accepts submissions from anyone with a dick—men, ladies with strap-ons, and trans people are welcome to send in their artfully put together cock shots. Critiques are thoughtful (“Your dick pic is different in that your dick is soft yet you’ve managed to make it visually appealing by cupping it intimately with your hand”), funny (“Dude, this isn’t good. Your own girlfriend has given you a five and she loves you and knows about all your good qualities and likes that cute thing you do with your mouth”), and dripping with feminist swagger, much like Holden’s Twitter presence
 
As a sender and receiver of the occasional sexy message myself, I appreciate Holden’s efforts. There truly is a dearth of imagination out there when it comes to ways men choose to photograph their dicks. For a long time I held that against them—why was I messing with lighting and angles when I was getting sent the photographic equivalent of that comedy boner boi-oi-oiiing noise? I recently realized, however, that I was sending back full bod shots—this is where I had them beat. Turns out it’s hard (pun intended, forever) to take a pic of just genitals. Solo gens do not a cute pic make. At least not without some work. I thought it might be time to consult an expert. Can the vag pic have a renaissance like the one @moscaddie is helping bring about with the dick pic? We caught up with the dick pic critic, currently traveling around the States on a break from balancing criminal defense with Female God’s work to ask about logs, unsolicited sexts, and the future—if any—of the vag pic. 
 
Note: The interview is worksafe, but consider this a blanket NSFW warning for the links.
 
VICE: Hi, Madeleine. So, Critique My Dick Pic started in September, inspired by one particularly well-done dick pic. Why do you think the current state of dick pics is so dismal? What are the main mistakes holding dick pics back?
Madeleine Holden: I think that the main problem with dick pics is that men are preoccupied with using them as an advertisement for their size, rather than as a piece of erotic material intended to turn someone else on. That’s the reason that most dick pics are logs, and why an alarming number of them contain an inanimate object provided for scale. Pictures like this reek of insecurity and they’re extremely dull. Dick pics should include some non-dick body parts, and a dispiriting number of them don’t. 
 
Another reason that the current state of dick pics is so dismal is that there is a culture of non-consent that surrounds them. Dick pics are often thrust at women unsolicited on dating sites and social media, and they are widely reviled for this reason. We need to encourage senders of dick pics to share them strictly with people who want to see them. 

Continue

Slutever Answers Your Questions About True Love and BJs
Saying that you hate Valentine’s Day, in two-thousand-and-fourteen Anno Domini, is a tired cliché. Year after year people harp on about how it’s just a day designed to induce windfall profits for the money-grubbing, power-hungry CEOs of international greeting card companies, how crowded all the restaurants are, why we should boycot the dayaltogether… even how to cheat on the one you love. But it’s also important to remember that a lot of people will be eating delicious food and then having some real weird sex tonight. And that’s a good thing! But for those of us who don’t have significant others to rub our parts on tonight—or other nights, for that matter—it’s nice to have an all-knowing goddess of romance and lust to take us by the hand and guide us to a greater understanding of doin’ it in a way that is healthy and pleasurable for all parties involved. To that end we asked Karley Sciortino to dig through her Slutever mailbag and answer a few questions from readers about their sex-related woes.
I have a female friend who I’m at art school with, and she recently started texting me erotic photos and porn. Then, last night, she texted me asking me to fuck her. I was shocked! I said I couldn’t, but then she responded saying the sex would be incredibly hot and different. I’m confused, actually, because I don’t really like her and I wholeheartedly don’t want to have sex with her, but I know that will make her sad. By the way, I’m 26, she’s 21, but I prefer women older than her, like 35-45. What should I do??
- Zach
As a general rule, if someone tries to have sex with you, you should have sex with them back—it’s only polite. However, if you wholeheartedly don’t want to, or you have to be somewhere else because of an emergency, etc, then there are methods of getting out of it. For example, why don’t you text her something like: “Hey, no hard feelings but I think we’re better as friends… but maybe you could introduce me to your mother?” Alternatively, if that seems too difficult or insensitive, you could use my preferred method, and the next time she contacts you for sex just say, “Oh shit, sorry, I can’t hang tonight. I have a birthday party to go to.” And then the next time she sends you a sexy text, make a similar excuse, and so on, and if all goes to plan she will eventually just get the hint and stop sexting, allowing you to ease with only mild awkwardness back into the friend zone, after which you can both pretend like the whole thing never happened, even though you’ll both always remember that it did, and it will probably be somewhere in the back of your minds every time you speak to each other from now until eternity.
More Questions

Slutever Answers Your Questions About True Love and BJs

Saying that you hate Valentine’s Day, in two-thousand-and-fourteen Anno Domini, is a tired cliché. Year after year people harp on about how it’s just a day designed to induce windfall profits for the money-grubbing, power-hungry CEOs of international greeting card companies, how crowded all the restaurants are, why we should boycot the dayaltogether… even how to cheat on the one you love. But it’s also important to remember that a lot of people will be eating delicious food and then having some real weird sex tonight. And that’s a good thing! But for those of us who don’t have significant others to rub our parts on tonight—or other nights, for that matter—it’s nice to have an all-knowing goddess of romance and lust to take us by the hand and guide us to a greater understanding of doin’ it in a way that is healthy and pleasurable for all parties involved. To that end we asked Karley Sciortino to dig through her Slutever mailbag and answer a few questions from readers about their sex-related woes.

I have a female friend who I’m at art school with, and she recently started texting me erotic photos and porn. Then, last night, she texted me asking me to fuck her. I was shocked! I said I couldn’t, but then she responded saying the sex would be incredibly hot and different. I’m confused, actually, because I don’t really like her and I wholeheartedly don’t want to have sex with her, but I know that will make her sad. By the way, I’m 26, she’s 21, but I prefer women older than her, like 35-45What should I do??

- Zach

As a general rule, if someone tries to have sex with you, you should have sex with them back—it’s only polite. However, if you wholeheartedly don’t want to, or you have to be somewhere else because of an emergency, etc, then there are methods of getting out of it. For example, why don’t you text her something like: “Hey, no hard feelings but I think we’re better as friends… but maybe you could introduce me to your mother?” Alternatively, if that seems too difficult or insensitive, you could use my preferred method, and the next time she contacts you for sex just say, “Oh shit, sorry, I can’t hang tonight. I have a birthday party to go to.” And then the next time she sends you a sexy text, make a similar excuse, and so on, and if all goes to plan she will eventually just get the hint and stop sexting, allowing you to ease with only mild awkwardness back into the friend zone, after which you can both pretend like the whole thing never happened, even though you’ll both always remember that it did, and it will probably be somewhere in the back of your minds every time you speak to each other from now until eternity.

More Questions

Four artists interested in feminism, the internet, sex, porn, and power have decided that the dick pics they’ve gathered are important enough to share with the public. 

Four artists interested in feminism, the internet, sex, porn, and power have decided that the dick pics they’ve gathered are important enough to share with the public. 

Dick Pics Aside, Wannabe NYC Mayor Anthony Weiner Is a Pandering Scumbag
After a brief honeymoon period during which it looked like he might actually win his dream job, Anthony Weiner is tanking in the polls and has almost no chance of getting elected mayor of New York City. (When the latest news stories about you involve your staffer calling a former intern a “slutbag” and a porn being made of your life, it’s safe to say your political career is in trouble.) Plenty of people will be happy to see him go, mostly because of his habit of sending wiener pics and sexts to women who are not his wife, then lying about it until he gets exposed in every sense of the word. But if he loses the election (or his long-lost sense of dignity spurs him into withdrawing from the race) over the headline-friendly penis photography habit, he’ll have been cast out for the wrong reasons. Weiner has done many terrible things in his storied political career, and the sexting—and the torrent of lies that has gone with it—doesn’t even scratch the surface. Here are three of the most glaring reasons we should be glad he (probably) won’t get the chance to reach higher office:
He Won His First Election by Exploiting Racial Tensions

Way back in 1991, Anthony David Weiner (as his name read on campaign literature) was running for his first elected position, a city council seat in a conservative, heavily Jewish district in Brooklyn. At the time, the city was still dealing with the aftermath of the Crown Heights riot, during which long-simmering tensions between Orthodox Jews and blacks rose to the surface and basically destroyed a neighborhood. Weiner took advantage of this by sending an anonymously penned flyer out that claimed one of his opponents, Adele Cohen, was an ally of the city’s deeply unpopular black political leadership and then–presidential candidate Jesse Jackson, even though Cohen had never met Jackson. It was a nasty, cynical strategy, and he likely wouldn’t have won the close race without it. Lately, MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki has been bringing up that flyer again—but Weiner has responded to criticism of his tactics in ‘91 with lies.
Continue

Dick Pics Aside, Wannabe NYC Mayor Anthony Weiner Is a Pandering Scumbag

After a brief honeymoon period during which it looked like he might actually win his dream job, Anthony Weiner is tanking in the polls and has almost no chance of getting elected mayor of New York City. (When the latest news stories about you involve your staffer calling a former intern a “slutbag” and a porn being made of your life, it’s safe to say your political career is in trouble.) Plenty of people will be happy to see him go, mostly because of his habit of sending wiener pics and sexts to women who are not his wife, then lying about it until he gets exposed in every sense of the word. But if he loses the election (or his long-lost sense of dignity spurs him into withdrawing from the race) over the headline-friendly penis photography habit, he’ll have been cast out for the wrong reasons. Weiner has done many terrible things in his storied political career, and the sexting—and the torrent of lies that has gone with it—doesn’t even scratch the surface. Here are three of the most glaring reasons we should be glad he (probably) won’t get the chance to reach higher office:

He Won His First Election by Exploiting Racial Tensions

Way back in 1991, Anthony David Weiner (as his name read on campaign literature) was running for his first elected position, a city council seat in a conservative, heavily Jewish district in Brooklyn. At the time, the city was still dealing with the aftermath of the Crown Heights riot, during which long-simmering tensions between Orthodox Jews and blacks rose to the surface and basically destroyed a neighborhood. Weiner took advantage of this by sending an anonymously penned flyer out that claimed one of his opponents, Adele Cohen, was an ally of the city’s deeply unpopular black political leadership and then–presidential candidate Jesse Jackson, even though Cohen had never met Jackson. It was a nasty, cynical strategy, and he likely wouldn’t have won the close race without it. Lately, MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki has been bringing up that flyer again—but Weiner has responded to criticism of his tactics in ‘91 with lies.

Continue

The Best Online Sex Ads Posted from Military Bases in Afghanistan
Despite the fact that military bases are often featured prominently in gay porn, I’ve never imagined there’s a whole lot of sex happening at them, IRL. Getting laid while on duty requires discretion, and propositioning the people you work with on a regular basis is about as sneaky as a Panzer. So you can’t really blame our soldiers (and civilian contractors) for posting dirty ads online complete with sexxxy requests and pictures of their junk. Everyone is looking for some NSA (No Strings Attached) action.
Unfortunately the Great Cock Block from the West, aka the US military, isn’t too happy about our soldiers’ online solicitation. It has become such a problem, in fact, that the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS) has started “tracking service members who are hooking up in the war zone via internet sites,” according toMarine Corps Times. Posting personals isn’t technically against the rules, but in Afghanistan sex between unmarried soldiers is “highly discouraged,” and posting pictures of your junk on the internet is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice (probably because soldiers can’t take one without removing their uniforms, hey-o!).
In the interest of military transparency and boners, let’s take a look at some of the ads our servicemen and women are posting.

This one seems nice and innocent. A grunt on Kandahar Airfield just looking for a nice lady for “conversations.” So puritanical.


After being stuck with 60 guys for nine months straight, this solider just needs some pussy. He’s not real picky, but he claims to have a big dick and he’s going to be at Bagram Airfield for a night. So, ladies, can’t you help a brother out?
Continue

The Best Online Sex Ads Posted from Military Bases in Afghanistan

Despite the fact that military bases are often featured prominently in gay porn, I’ve never imagined there’s a whole lot of sex happening at them, IRL. Getting laid while on duty requires discretion, and propositioning the people you work with on a regular basis is about as sneaky as a Panzer. So you can’t really blame our soldiers (and civilian contractors) for posting dirty ads online complete with sexxxy requests and pictures of their junk. Everyone is looking for some NSA (No Strings Attached) action.

Unfortunately the Great Cock Block from the West, aka the US military, isn’t too happy about our soldiers’ online solicitation. It has become such a problem, in fact, that the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS) has started “tracking service members who are hooking up in the war zone via internet sites,” according toMarine Corps Times. Posting personals isn’t technically against the rules, but in Afghanistan sex between unmarried soldiers is “highly discouraged,” and posting pictures of your junk on the internet is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice (probably because soldiers can’t take one without removing their uniforms, hey-o!).

In the interest of military transparency and boners, let’s take a look at some of the ads our servicemen and women are posting.

This one seems nice and innocent. A grunt on Kandahar Airfield just looking for a nice lady for “conversations.” So puritanical.

After being stuck with 60 guys for nine months straight, this solider just needs some pussy. He’s not real picky, but he claims to have a big dick and he’s going to be at Bagram Airfield for a night. So, ladies, can’t you help a brother out?

Continue

Monday
Stefan—please come to hotel at 6-6:30 Alabin 67 off Vitosha Blvd please do not fuck anybody else this afternoon I want you to write yr name in cum on my face w yr cock (not yr patronymic just yr first name)
Sent from my iPhone
—Gary Indiana Spends a Few Days in Bulgaria

Monday

Stefan—please come to hotel at 6-6:30 Alabin 67 off Vitosha Blvd please do not fuck anybody else this afternoon I want you to write yr name in cum on my face w yr cock (not yr patronymic just yr first name)

Sent from my iPhone

—Gary Indiana Spends a Few Days in Bulgaria

How to Sext without Looking Like an Idiot
There are a few things in life that everyone over the age of 16 should be able to do: cook a few decent meals, navigate a new city without Google Maps, enjoy a hangover, and, bear with me here, send a decent sext. Anyone who thinks they’ll be able to track down The One without knowing how to turn their phone into an object of lust has another thing coming. Sexting is practically a requirement for living in the 21st century, no longer the reserve of predatory creeps or girls who HJ exchange students, being able to communicate just how horny you are over iMessage or Snapchat is a life skill and you’re going to have to learn how to do it.
According to TIME magazine, four out of five college kids sext on the regular. As Benjamin Franklin once said: “In this world, nothing can be certain, except death and taxes and that you will at some point be awake at 3 AM struggling to think of a fourth non-gross synonym for vagina/penis.” Frequent sexters are no longer just a bunch of teens furtively sending each other dick pics with the caption “u like? ;)”—the sexting landscape is now dotted with old marrieds, yuppies, and regular everyday humans like you and me.
Especially me. I do it a lot. So, on the off chance that you and I ever bump into each other in sext land, here’s how to keep me interested.
DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF
If you’re just starting out, three to four words are all you need. A length limit forces you to get straight to the point and eliminates the possibility of embarrassing yourself by using adjectives like “pulsing,” which makes your pussy or dick sound like the still-beating heart of a butchered mammal. I guess if you were really fucking twee, you could imagine your sext as the 21st century equivalent of a candy love heart, but instead of “Fax Me” you’re writing: “I wanna fuck you in a bodega.” If you’re still nervous or super stuck, just mash a bunch of buttons as though overwhelmed with desire. Or, IDK, hold the phone against your underwear and type with your pubic bone. “Asdaoh23rghhsdhudffffffffff.” That sounds lustful, right?
DON’T ABBREVIATE
It’s 2013 and I know you’re not typing out every letter individually on your Motorola Razr, so Y R U choosin 2 talk lik a tween? Who culd eva b trnd on by dis?? No one wants to be deciphering your sexual hieroglyphics when they could be quietly shifting in their lecture seat so the seam of their jeans hits things just right. “RU horny” is the text message equivalent of giving someone a wedgy as a flirting tactic. It also implies there’s a 14-year-old on the other end of the phone, which, again, is not ideal in this situation.
Continue

How to Sext without Looking Like an Idiot

There are a few things in life that everyone over the age of 16 should be able to do: cook a few decent meals, navigate a new city without Google Maps, enjoy a hangover, and, bear with me here, send a decent sext. Anyone who thinks they’ll be able to track down The One without knowing how to turn their phone into an object of lust has another thing coming. Sexting is practically a requirement for living in the 21st century, no longer the reserve of predatory creeps or girls who HJ exchange students, being able to communicate just how horny you are over iMessage or Snapchat is a life skill and you’re going to have to learn how to do it.

According to TIME magazine, four out of five college kids sext on the regular. As Benjamin Franklin once said: “In this world, nothing can be certain, except death and taxes and that you will at some point be awake at 3 AM struggling to think of a fourth non-gross synonym for vagina/penis.” Frequent sexters are no longer just a bunch of teens furtively sending each other dick pics with the caption “u like? ;)”—the sexting landscape is now dotted with old marrieds, yuppies, and regular everyday humans like you and me.

Especially me. I do it a lot. So, on the off chance that you and I ever bump into each other in sext land, here’s how to keep me interested.

DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF

If you’re just starting out, three to four words are all you need. A length limit forces you to get straight to the point and eliminates the possibility of embarrassing yourself by using adjectives like “pulsing,” which makes your pussy or dick sound like the still-beating heart of a butchered mammal. I guess if you were really fucking twee, you could imagine your sext as the 21st century equivalent of a candy love heart, but instead of “Fax Me” you’re writing: “I wanna fuck you in a bodega.” If you’re still nervous or super stuck, just mash a bunch of buttons as though overwhelmed with desire. Or, IDK, hold the phone against your underwear and type with your pubic bone. “Asdaoh23rghhsdhudffffffffff.” That sounds lustful, right?

DON’T ABBREVIATE

It’s 2013 and I know you’re not typing out every letter individually on your Motorola Razr, so Y R U choosin 2 talk lik a tween? Who culd eva b trnd on by dis?? No one wants to be deciphering your sexual hieroglyphics when they could be quietly shifting in their lecture seat so the seam of their jeans hits things just right. “RU horny” is the text message equivalent of giving someone a wedgy as a flirting tactic. It also implies there’s a 14-year-old on the other end of the phone, which, again, is not ideal in this situation.

Continue

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