Slutever Answers Your Questions About True Love and BJs
Saying that you hate Valentine’s Day, in two-thousand-and-fourteen Anno Domini, is a tired cliché. Year after year people harp on about how it’s just a day designed to induce windfall profits for the money-grubbing, power-hungry CEOs of international greeting card companies, how crowded all the restaurants are, why we should boycot the dayaltogether… even how to cheat on the one you love. But it’s also important to remember that a lot of people will be eating delicious food and then having some real weird sex tonight. And that’s a good thing! But for those of us who don’t have significant others to rub our parts on tonight—or other nights, for that matter—it’s nice to have an all-knowing goddess of romance and lust to take us by the hand and guide us to a greater understanding of doin’ it in a way that is healthy and pleasurable for all parties involved. To that end we asked Karley Sciortino to dig through her Slutever mailbag and answer a few questions from readers about their sex-related woes.
I have a female friend who I’m at art school with, and she recently started texting me erotic photos and porn. Then, last night, she texted me asking me to fuck her. I was shocked! I said I couldn’t, but then she responded saying the sex would be incredibly hot and different. I’m confused, actually, because I don’t really like her and I wholeheartedly don’t want to have sex with her, but I know that will make her sad. By the way, I’m 26, she’s 21, but I prefer women older than her, like 35-45. What should I do??
As a general rule, if someone tries to have sex with you, you should have sex with them back—it’s only polite. However, if you wholeheartedly don’t want to, or you have to be somewhere else because of an emergency, etc, then there are methods of getting out of it. For example, why don’t you text her something like: “Hey, no hard feelings but I think we’re better as friends… but maybe you could introduce me to your mother?” Alternatively, if that seems too difficult or insensitive, you could use my preferred method, and the next time she contacts you for sex just say, “Oh shit, sorry, I can’t hang tonight. I have a birthday party to go to.” And then the next time she sends you a sexy text, make a similar excuse, and so on, and if all goes to plan she will eventually just get the hint and stop sexting, allowing you to ease with only mild awkwardness back into the friend zone, after which you can both pretend like the whole thing never happened, even though you’ll both always remember that it did, and it will probably be somewhere in the back of your minds every time you speak to each other from now until eternity.
Dick Pics Aside, Wannabe NYC Mayor Anthony Weiner Is a Pandering Scumbag
After a brief honeymoon period during which it looked like he might actually win his dream job, Anthony Weiner is tanking in the polls and has almost no chance of getting elected mayor of New York City. (When the latest news stories about you involve your staffer calling a former intern a “slutbag” and a porn being made of your life, it’s safe to say your political career is in trouble.) Plenty of people will be happy to see him go, mostly because of his habit of sending wiener pics and sexts to women who are not his wife, then lying about it until he gets exposed in every sense of the word. But if he loses the election (or his long-lost sense of dignity spurs him into withdrawing from the race) over the headline-friendly penis photography habit, he’ll have been cast out for the wrong reasons. Weiner has done many terrible things in his storied political career, and the sexting—and the torrent of lies that has gone with it—doesn’t even scratch the surface. Here are three of the most glaring reasons we should be glad he (probably) won’t get the chance to reach higher office:
He Won His First Election by Exploiting Racial Tensions
Way back in 1991, Anthony David Weiner (as his name read on campaign literature) was running for his first elected position, a city council seat in a conservative, heavily Jewish district in Brooklyn. At the time, the city was still dealing with the aftermath of the Crown Heights riot, during which long-simmering tensions between Orthodox Jews and blacks rose to the surface and basically destroyed a neighborhood. Weiner took advantage of this by sending an anonymously penned flyer out that claimed one of his opponents, Adele Cohen, was an ally of the city’s deeply unpopular black political leadership and then–presidential candidate Jesse Jackson, even though Cohen had never met Jackson. It was a nasty, cynical strategy, and he likely wouldn’t have won the close race without it. Lately, MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki has been bringing up that flyer again—but Weiner has responded to criticism of his tactics in ‘91 with lies.
The Best Online Sex Ads Posted from Military Bases in Afghanistan
Despite the fact that military bases are often featured prominently in gay porn, I’ve never imagined there’s a whole lot of sex happening at them, IRL. Getting laid while on duty requires discretion, and propositioning the people you work with on a regular basis is about as sneaky as a Panzer. So you can’t really blame our soldiers (and civilian contractors) for posting dirty ads online complete with sexxxy requests and pictures of their junk. Everyone is looking for some NSA (No Strings Attached) action.
Unfortunately the Great Cock Block from the West, aka the US military, isn’t too happy about our soldiers’ online solicitation. It has become such a problem, in fact, that the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS) has started “tracking service members who are hooking up in the war zone via internet sites,” according toMarine Corps Times. Posting personals isn’t technically against the rules, but in Afghanistan sex between unmarried soldiers is “highly discouraged,” and posting pictures of your junk on the internet is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice (probably because soldiers can’t take one without removing their uniforms, hey-o!).
In the interest of military transparency and boners, let’s take a look at some of the ads our servicemen and women are posting.
This one seems nice and innocent. A grunt on Kandahar Airfield just looking for a nice lady for “conversations.” So puritanical.
After being stuck with 60 guys for nine months straight, this solider just needs some pussy. He’s not real picky, but he claims to have a big dick and he’s going to be at Bagram Airfield for a night. So, ladies, can’t you help a brother out?
Stefan—please come to hotel at 6-6:30 Alabin 67 off Vitosha Blvd please do not fuck anybody else this afternoon I want you to write yr name in cum on my face w yr cock (not yr patronymic just yr first name)
Sent from my iPhone
—Gary Indiana Spends a Few Days in Bulgaria
How to Sext without Looking Like an Idiot
There are a few things in life that everyone over the age of 16 should be able to do: cook a few decent meals, navigate a new city without Google Maps, enjoy a hangover, and, bear with me here, send a decent sext. Anyone who thinks they’ll be able to track down The One without knowing how to turn their phone into an object of lust has another thing coming. Sexting is practically a requirement for living in the 21st century, no longer the reserve of predatory creeps or girls who HJ exchange students, being able to communicate just how horny you are over iMessage or Snapchat is a life skill and you’re going to have to learn how to do it.
According to TIME magazine, four out of five college kids sext on the regular. As Benjamin Franklin once said: “In this world, nothing can be certain, except death and taxes and that you will at some point be awake at 3 AM struggling to think of a fourth non-gross synonym for vagina/penis.” Frequent sexters are no longer just a bunch of teens furtively sending each other dick pics with the caption “u like? ;)”—the sexting landscape is now dotted with old marrieds, yuppies, and regular everyday humans like you and me.
Especially me. I do it a lot. So, on the off chance that you and I ever bump into each other in sext land, here’s how to keep me interested.
DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF
If you’re just starting out, three to four words are all you need. A length limit forces you to get straight to the point and eliminates the possibility of embarrassing yourself by using adjectives like “pulsing,” which makes your pussy or dick sound like the still-beating heart of a butchered mammal. I guess if you were really fucking twee, you could imagine your sext as the 21st century equivalent of a candy love heart, but instead of “Fax Me” you’re writing: “I wanna fuck you in a bodega.” If you’re still nervous or super stuck, just mash a bunch of buttons as though overwhelmed with desire. Or, IDK, hold the phone against your underwear and type with your pubic bone. “Asdaoh23rghhsdhudffffffffff.” That sounds lustful, right?
It’s 2013 and I know you’re not typing out every letter individually on your Motorola Razr, so Y R U choosin 2 talk lik a tween? Who culd eva b trnd on by dis?? No one wants to be deciphering your sexual hieroglyphics when they could be quietly shifting in their lecture seat so the seam of their jeans hits things just right. “RU horny” is the text message equivalent of giving someone a wedgy as a flirting tactic. It also implies there’s a 14-year-old on the other end of the phone, which, again, is not ideal in this situation.
US Soldiers in Afghanistan Are Hot and Need Your Cock
“aaaaauuuuuhhh … aaauuuuuyyyy.”
An American soldier stationed in Afghanistan whom I’ll call “Steve” keeps texting me moaning noises. He’s not in pain, he just wants me to fuck him, or more specifically, wants me to “shove that mother fukin’ cock inside my pussy and watch me ride that cock with my tight pussy walls…” A handsome, mixed-race serviceman from DC, Steve is very, very horny because he’s been on active duty for months, which means it’s been at least that long since he’s gotten laid. So he spends a lot of time on an iPhone app called Scruff spelling out elaborate sexual fantasies of what he’d like me to do to him. Most of them involve me choking him with my dick.
Scruff is a gay hook-up service that allows you to check out dudes living anywhere in the world and basically take a gay vacation without having to leave your apartment. You can enter the address of your childhood home, for example, and you’ll probably run into most of the dudes you thought were gay in high school looking for sex. If you punch in Saudi Arabia, you’ll get a bunch of hairy headless torsos and pictures of cars. But if you select Afghanistan, you end up with dozens of US Armed Forces personnel posing in their uniforms or with their assault rifles, desperately looking for distraction.
When I downloaded Scruff, I didn’t have much interest in chatting with guys down the street who wanted to get in my pants as quickly as possible (“Wanna fuck?” “No”), so I started chatting with soldiers overseas, which seemed a lot more interesting and hot. Plus, given how paranoid the military is about people talking to soldiers in war zones, it seems like a weird loophole that you can just download a free app on your iPhone and get them to send you a picture of their penis.
The first guy I started chatting with was a muscular black guy who likes to post photos of himself in his underwear. He’s been mostly stationed in Germany (he really likes German guys), though now he’s in Afghanistan trying not to get killed. He likes to show off his dick, which is legitimately impressive, and sent me a lot of photos of himself shirtless in his barracks in front of an American flag. Although he seems pretty horny most the time, he says he’s never used Scruff to hook up with other guys while deployed, but he did once use Adam4Adam (a gay dating and hookup site) to meet another soldier for sex in the showers at 3 AM when nobody was around.
Stop Sexting and Visit VICE.com on Your Cell Phone
Up until today, the only things that fancy internet phones were especially good at were sending pictures of your genitals to someone you just met and finding butt-buddies on Grindr. Really tough questions that only VICE could answer, like how to rub one out at work or what it is like to be at the Westminster Dog Show on acid, were left a complete mystery when you were wandering around the city away from your desktop computer. Sure, you could visit VICE.com on your phone back then, but it was a little hard to get around. Well, all that has changed because we’ve just optimized VICE.com for your mobile viewing pleasure. So, after you finish doing stupid things with that miniature-microwave you hold up to your head all day—like text your mom an emoticon or order a cheeseless pizza—you can check out all of the great articles and videos we post on VICE.com in a super neat and organized format. You’ll never have a hard time finding the “The Westminster Dog Show… On Acid” or instructions on “How to Jerk Off at Work” again. Huzzah!