Inside LA’s Least Sexy Sex Club
In operation for the past eight months, members-only Los Angeles club Sanctum likes to declaire itself “LA’s #1 erotic experience.” The proprietors of the club created what is ostensibly a moveable feast of fucking for rich men and women who want to explore group sex, fetishes, and garden-variety voyeurism ala Eyes Wide Shut. They offer “invitation-only private parties at various clandestine venues in Los Angeles,” and charge a $2,500 membership fee to visit their LA events.
Male attendees must wear a tuxedo and women, “lingerie or tasteful evening wear,” plus masks all around. The club’s website mysteriously adds, “We are fully out in the open, certainly—but we still harbor secrets.” These claims of sophistication and intrigue seemed incongruous with the reality of what sounded like a pretty standard orgy, so I decided to check out Sanctum to see if it lived up to their hyperbole.
According to its strict set of rules, Sanctum requires aspiring members to submit their photos via email before they are approved to join or attend. “Beautiful single ladies can enter the club on our guest list” (after submitting full-length photos). Even the most privileged men don’t get that luxury.
David Bowie – “Love Is Lost” Video Premiere
David Bowie just sent us his new video for “Love is Lost.” Since we’re obliged to do anything he says, we decided to premiere it.
Comic-Con Parties Are Where Nerds Go to Feel Sexy
When I first heard about this thing called “Comic-Con” many years ago, I was told that it wasn’t just a great place to get back issues of The Amazing Spider-Man. It was also a nexus for the entire sci-fi/fantasy nerd culture. San Diego was one of the few places where a nerd could comfortably walk around town dressed like Mr. Spock without someone asking you where your spaceship was parked. Fuck those people, because you don’t park spaceships. Everyone knows that! Duh.
You can still dress up, but Comic-Con isn’t as much about that misfit community as much as it’s a five-day costumed orgy, sort of like Eyes Wide Shut, but with everyone dressed like Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, or the legendary character, Mexican Goth Batman.
People are constantly feeding me drinks, trying to get me to take mystery pills, and pitching me their screenplay ideas. It’s like Los Angeles got in the car with me and came to San Diego. Unfortunately, Los Angeles never pays for gas and is always making me pull over for snacks like I’m made of money or something.
Comic-Con parties have hot go-go dancers, open bars, and the faint, pungent scent of sexual despertation; an odor I know too well. Actually, the name of the cologne I was wearing last night is “Sexual Desperation.” It’s a combination of fish oil and vanilla extract, which is just the kind of signature scent I’m looking for.
Fabio Might Have a Lamborghini but He Doesn’t Have Love
There weren’t many people who were as big a deal in the 90s as Fabio, the actor-cum-model-cum-author-cum-fitness-guru. The guy and his astounding hair graced the cover of more than 400 romance novels, took the role of the Marlboro Man, appeared on countless episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful, and starred in ad campaigns for Gianni-era Versace. The only thing he could have done to epitomize the 90s more was to blow Arsenio Hall on the set of Boy Meets World, but, as desperate as we all are to see it, I don’t think he’s going to deliver on that one.
Fabio and his Greek God-like presence dominated many of my childhood afternoons, so when the opportunity to meet the man behind the jaw presented itself, I jumped at the chance and grabbed it by every strand of that luscious, conditioned, beautiful head of hair.
VICE: Hi Fabio. Wow, your hair looks great!
Fabio Lanzoni: Thanks. Your hair also looks great. It matches your face.
Don’t you think I need a haircut?
No, some men are made for short hair. Other men are made for long hair. They’re wilder. Like you and me!
If you were an animal, what would you be?
A lion. I mean, compare a lion to a deer. A lion has a mane. But, if you look at the deer and you give him a mane, it looks weird. It doesn’t work.
I guess not.
I own 222 motorcycles. [Fabio shows me a picture of one of his motorcycles.] This is the one I bought yesterday. Cool, right?
Do you have a Lamborghini as well?
While leafing through a sports fishing monthly in a doctor’s waiting room in Denmark, I accidentally discovered an untapped genre of amphibious soft porn. These photos were all taken by German photographer and sport fishing writer Olivier Portrat. When I stumbled upon these aquatic page-three girls, I immediately got in touch with the magazine and requested his contact information. Unfortunately, despite sending him multiple emails I never got a reply. So I suppose we will just have to enjoy these photos at face value, without knowing the answers to questions like, “What kind of bait are they using?” “Is the fin really inside that one lady’s vagina?” And, “Are those things real?”