Fabio Might Have a Lamborghini but He Doesn’t Have Love
There weren’t many people who were as big a deal in the 90s as Fabio, the actor-cum-model-cum-author-cum-fitness-guru. The guy and his astounding hair graced the cover of more than 400 romance novels, took the role of the Marlboro Man, appeared on countless episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful, and starred in ad campaigns for Gianni-era Versace. The only thing he could have done to epitomize the 90s more was to blow Arsenio Hall on the set of Boy Meets World, but, as desperate as we all are to see it, I don’t think he’s going to deliver on that one.
Fabio and his Greek God-like presence dominated many of my childhood afternoons, so when the opportunity to meet the man behind the jaw presented itself, I jumped at the chance and grabbed it by every strand of that luscious, conditioned, beautiful head of hair.
VICE: Hi Fabio. Wow, your hair looks great!
Fabio Lanzoni: Thanks. Your hair also looks great. It matches your face.
Don’t you think I need a haircut?
No, some men are made for short hair. Other men are made for long hair. They’re wilder. Like you and me!
If you were an animal, what would you be?
A lion. I mean, compare a lion to a deer. A lion has a mane. But, if you look at the deer and you give him a mane, it looks weird. It doesn’t work.
I guess not.
I own 222 motorcycles. [Fabio shows me a picture of one of his motorcycles.] This is the one I bought yesterday. Cool, right?
Do you have a Lamborghini as well?
While leafing through a sports fishing monthly in a doctor’s waiting room in Denmark, I accidentally discovered an untapped genre of amphibious soft porn. These photos were all taken by German photographer and sport fishing writer Olivier Portrat. When I stumbled upon these aquatic page-three girls, I immediately got in touch with the magazine and requested his contact information. Unfortunately, despite sending him multiple emails I never got a reply. So I suppose we will just have to enjoy these photos at face value, without knowing the answers to questions like, “What kind of bait are they using?” “Is the fin really inside that one lady’s vagina?” And, “Are those things real?”
THE MOST GLORIOUS BAZOOMBAS IN THE WORLD - KITTEN NATIVIDAD’S LIFE OF HOLLYWOOD DEVIANCE
Kitten Natividad has some of the most infamous boobs in the history of Hollywood. Perhaps best known for her 44-inch chest and her ability to come while doing a striptease, Kitten is one of Russ Meyer’s legendary ultra-vixens and his former girlfriend. And for real, you know your tits are some of the best in the world if Meyer—the supreme auteur of sexploitation flicks—is your main squeeze for 15 years.
Kitten was born in 1948 in Juarez, Mexico. Following a sketchy Tijuana boob job at 21, she moved to LA and worked as a go-go dancer. Her career as a stripper led her to Meyer, who cast her in films such as Up! andBeneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens.
Kitten’s aggressive sexual prowess has cemented her reputation as one of the most influential women in cult erotica. Some of her many naked achievements include: stripping at Sean Penn’s bachelor party before his marriage to Madonna, becoming a queen of burlesque, acting in a bunch of (questionable) 80s porn movies, and starring in Eroticise—quite possibly the trashiest, most ridiculous workout video ever made. Sadly, in 1999 Kitten was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy. However, she has since gotten new boobs (again) and says, “Any guy who says he doesn’t like a pair of plastic tits can go fuck himself.” I couldn’t agree more.
VICE: What was Hollywood like in the 70s? Watching films from that time make it seem like it was a totally different deal back then.
Kitten Natividad: It was fucking fabulous. Everybody did cocaine and lots of drugs—you’d go to a party and you could smell the amyl nitrite in the air like dirty socks. And lots of orgies. That was the time before AIDS, so it was very open.
How did you meet Russ Meyer?
I was introduced to him by my friend I stripped with, Shari Eubank. She was the star of his film Supervixens. Russ liked to use strippers in his movies because they don’t have issues with running around naked. When he’d get an actress she’d say, “Do I have to be naked? It might be bad for my career, blah blah blah.” And he’d be like, “Fuck this, I’m getting a stripper.”
What was it like working under him? And I mean that in terms of his directing.
It was great, but we fucked during all of our lunch breaks. He was a horny dude, a dirty old man.
Were you in an open relationship?
Oh God, no! He was very jealous—very possessive and controlling—which is why I never married him. He always wanted to be the director—where we ate, what we did, everything. I’d say, “I’m going to visit my mother,” and he’d say, “Why? You’ve got me, you don’t need a mother.”
I read somewhere that you introduced him to anal sex and he didn’t like it.
No, he didn’t, he found it weird. I think some guys get freaked out because they feel like they might be gay. I’d say to him, “Does it make you feel like you’re fucking a guy, is that what’s wrong?” He was pretty white-bread.