Slutever Answers Your Questions About True Love and BJs
Saying that you hate Valentine’s Day, in two-thousand-and-fourteen Anno Domini, is a tired cliché. Year after year people harp on about how it’s just a day designed to induce windfall profits for the money-grubbing, power-hungry CEOs of international greeting card companies, how crowded all the restaurants are, why we should boycot the dayaltogether… even how to cheat on the one you love. But it’s also important to remember that a lot of people will be eating delicious food and then having some real weird sex tonight. And that’s a good thing! But for those of us who don’t have significant others to rub our parts on tonight—or other nights, for that matter—it’s nice to have an all-knowing goddess of romance and lust to take us by the hand and guide us to a greater understanding of doin’ it in a way that is healthy and pleasurable for all parties involved. To that end we asked Karley Sciortino to dig through her Slutever mailbag and answer a few questions from readers about their sex-related woes.
I have a female friend who I’m at art school with, and she recently started texting me erotic photos and porn. Then, last night, she texted me asking me to fuck her. I was shocked! I said I couldn’t, but then she responded saying the sex would be incredibly hot and different. I’m confused, actually, because I don’t really like her and I wholeheartedly don’t want to have sex with her, but I know that will make her sad. By the way, I’m 26, she’s 21, but I prefer women older than her, like 35-45. What should I do??
As a general rule, if someone tries to have sex with you, you should have sex with them back—it’s only polite. However, if you wholeheartedly don’t want to, or you have to be somewhere else because of an emergency, etc, then there are methods of getting out of it. For example, why don’t you text her something like: “Hey, no hard feelings but I think we’re better as friends… but maybe you could introduce me to your mother?” Alternatively, if that seems too difficult or insensitive, you could use my preferred method, and the next time she contacts you for sex just say, “Oh shit, sorry, I can’t hang tonight. I have a birthday party to go to.” And then the next time she sends you a sexy text, make a similar excuse, and so on, and if all goes to plan she will eventually just get the hint and stop sexting, allowing you to ease with only mild awkwardness back into the friend zone, after which you can both pretend like the whole thing never happened, even though you’ll both always remember that it did, and it will probably be somewhere in the back of your minds every time you speak to each other from now until eternity.
Jackass Presents: A Slutever Bad Grandpa Special
In this special episode of Slutever, VICE’s sexpert Karley Sciortino moves to Los Angeles with hopes of becoming famous, just like her idol, Anna Nicole Smith. Things take a random turn when she meets Irving Zisman at a tantric-sex cult meeting. Is love blind? Will Irving be the one to help her find fame once and for all?!
Made possible by jackass Productions and Bad Grandpa, in theaters tomorrow.
Watch the episode
Slutever - San Francisco Sex Mecca
Karley has been feeling a bit oppressed lately by all the negative comments on her blog, like for examps when people call her a “desperate slut from hell” or “God’s period” and stuff. Luckily, through the magic of the internet and some casual #research, Karley discovered a magical, friendly place that’s all the way on the other side of America. A place where everyone is overwhelmingly positive and people love their neighbors (even if they’re kind of gross). Also, randomly, the biggest BDSM fair in the world takes place in this magical town. It’s called “San Francisco.” #Convenient! DID SOMEBODY SAY SLUTEVER WEST COAST MAKEOVER?!?!
WATCH IT HERE
God, sexuality can be so #confusing, right? Like, how are you supposed to tell if you’re gay or not and stuff?
In this episode of VICE’s Slutever, Karley’s recent sex dreams about her gurl crush, Mistress Amanda Whip, cause her to ponder, “In sex, does everything have to be black and white—’straight’ or ‘gay’—or can you be somewhere in between, like, in a gray area?” Clearly, the only way to solve this dilemma is with a LESBIAN MAKEOVER!!! Obvz with the help of international playboy Dev Hynes (aka Blood Orange); Lauren Dillard of the lesbi-friendly band CREEP; and of course, the most powerful alt lesbian of all time and member of Le Tigre, JD Samson.
Slutever - V Card
Karley is frequently asked by readers of her blog about when, how, and with whom they should lose their virginity. But she doesn’t always give the best advice as she hasn’t been a virgin for a looong time. In this episode of VICE’s Slutever, Karley attempts to re-enter a virginal state of mind. Her journey on the purity train includes stops at a church’s chastity group, a surgeon who reconstructs hymens, and a feminist who gives Karley some “get real, girlfriend!” advice.
(Source: Vice Magazine)
In this special Fashion Week episode of VICE’s Slutever, Karley asks herself, “If you don’t dress well, no one is going to want to have sex with you, right?” In need of some expert advice, she visits NYC nightlife and fashion icon Sophia Lamar, who teaches Karley what to wear, how to hook up with male models during Fashion Week, and the true meaning of the word glamour.
This Week on Slutever: Karley and her cross-dressing internet friend meet for the first time, play dress up, and casually talk about pee. Watch the episode