My Parents Had a Party
Illegal ass enhancements may be America’s next health epidemic. Find our more in our new documentary Buttloads of Pain.
Meet the Girls Who Are Terrorizing Juggalos with Their Perfect Asses
Passed Out Juggalos is a crew of girls in their underpants who terrorize the sleepy Faygo people at the Gathering of the Juggalos. When I first came across them I became aroused, then intrigued. I used to subscribe to the popular opinion that all Juggalos are extras from Deliverance, but these half-naked girls made me want to know more. I wanted to hear all about the POJ straight from their smirky, potty-mouthed faces, so I stalked these mad bitches all over the country. I discovered that most of them live in Sacramento. One is in Louisville. I’m now officially a weird and obsessive person with a collection of human heads, probably. There are five POJ regulars, making them kind of like the Spice Girls, if the Spice Girls were into paralytic clowns. The three I spoke to are: Killette (OCD germaphobe), Neveah (has a taint piercing), and Ryan (got a guy’s name).
VICE: I get the impression that you girls might be strippers.
Killette: I’m the only one who isn’t. The other girls are though, yeah.
Nevaeh: I’m a stripper. It makes sense, I guess!
Do any Juggalos ever come into your club, Nevaeh?
Nevaeh: It has happened, but not very often. I’ve never been recognized on the street from POJ. I think it’s because my… face doesn’t really show a lot in the pictures. I do have some fans because of my pictures. Yeah. That’s what I’ve heard. “This guy’s just in love with you, that guy thinks you’re awesome…” I’m apparently a Twitter star because of my X-rated pictures. That’s enough for me. I really don’t care if people like point me out and say, “Oh shit, there’s the girl who shows her snatch all over POJ!” It’s whatever.
Juicy J on Strippers, Libraries
It’s strange having a conversation with Juicy J. Judging by his music, you’d expect to sit down and learn from him the proper way to hold a dollar in between your teeth so some stripper can grab it while swinging from a pole. That’s not the case at all. The former Three 6 Mafia kingpin is all about his business, and today he’s amped over his hit single “Bandz a Make Her Dance” going gold. The cut sends a nod to the bands of money that get asses shaking in the club. It’s just the kind of anthem that transcends age, and since aligning with Wiz Khalifa’s Taylor Gang it seems like Juicy discovered his fountain of youth. He’s prepping for this year’s release of Stay Trippy, tapping guys like Dr. Dre and Jay-Z to assist him. Always with his business hat on, he breaks down his career, which may include owning a strip club someday, and reveals the likelihood of another Three 6 Mafia album.
This Week in Florida: A Violent Stripper, A Crazy Naked Man, 4000 Lbs. of Cocaine, & More
Please allow me to introduce Demetrio Perez Jr…
Perez first made national headlines as a City of Miami Commissioner in 1982, when he threatened to banScarface producer Martin Bregman and director Brian DePalma from shooting on city property unless they made changes to Oliver Stone’s screenplay. He claimed that he was concerned with the negative portrayal of Mariel refugees—thousands of whom were dangerous criminals who turned South Florida upside down and contributed violently to our skyrocketing crime rate—and suggested that the character of Tony Montana be rewritten as “a Communist agent, infiltrated into the United States by the Fidel Castro government.”
Interesting perspective: Flee the oppression of Cuba for the freedom of America so that you can censor people here? I guess he wasn’t as pissed about Fidel Castro ruling with an iron fist, as he was that he wasn’t the dictator imposing his dangerous will on the people.
South Florida voters gave him plenty of opportunities to do so, however, as he was later elected to the Miami-Dade County School Board, where uniforms were a typical part of his platform to transform Miami into his own dictatorial playground.
Perez is also a slumlord and a convicted felon who defrauded the federal government and stole from South Florida’s poorest residents in a Section 8 housing scam in Little Havana. Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush removed him from the school board following his 21-count federal indictment.
Most intriguingly, he owns a chain of for-profit private grade schools (a conflict that didn’t seem to concern his constituents when he served as a public school board member), where he actually wrote the textbook. The book is basically an insane ideological rant with chapters on dinner table etiquette and “civic morals” (written without irony) and a history lesson on America’s greatest president, Richard Nixon, and how he got a raw deal.
During his brief stay in Miami, Elian Gonzalez attended one of his schools, where he was shamelessly exploited by Perez.
Miami-Dade Commissioner Bruno Barreiro, who recently received $10,000 in campaign contributions from Perez, introduced a resolution that would issue $110 million in bonds to benefit Perez’s private and charter school business ventures. While there is no fiscal responsibility on the part of the taxpayers, Perez would be given the money to buy his private companies from himself and then be paid to run those businesses as non-profit entities, so he’ll no longer have to pay taxes on their revenue
The scheme was endorsed by the Miami-Dade County Commission last week. The resolution passed eight to zero, with no discussion or dissention. This happened after they spent an hour debating and voting on an ordinance to open their meetings with a prayer (that passed, too).
According to Commissioner Barreiro’s chief of staff, “it’s for the children.” If you believe that, I have a baseball stadium I want you to finance.
Welcome to This Week in Florida.
- A Tampa mother-daughter porn duo—known “professionally” as The Sexxxtons—have started a website and released their first DVD (whatever that is). They say their goal is “to be filthy rich.” Well, they’ve certainly accomplished the first half of that mission.
- Christian Slater was among those Floridians disenfranchised in the 2012 election. His ballot was disqualified by Miami-Dade elections officials because “the signature on the provisional ballot certificate envelope did not match the signature on [his] voter registration record.”
- Don’t fret, Christian and my other fellow Floridians: Governor Rick Scott has dispatched “a team of experts” to investigate the “problem” with this year’s voting. Which will likely go a little something like this:
- The University of Miami is already internationally renowned for its shameless inability to protect its studentsand campuses. Last week, after a laptop had been stolen on campus, their emergency alert system (developed following the 2007 Virginia Tech shooting) kicked into action, warning students simply that there was a “black male on campus.” Not an unusual occurrence, even in the upscale, predominantly white and Hispanic City of Coral Gables. Follow up messages contained either no information (see below left) or misinformation (that the suspect was armed).
- Four kittens were discovered inside sandwich bags in a St. Petersburg man’s freezer by a woman who he ordered to fetch him a beer. Three were still alive. As my bubbie always says, “If it’s in the freezer, it lasts forever.”
Breaking: Wiz Khalifa likes weed, strippers
Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next big star? If so, I think that’s what I’d like to do when I grow up. I feel that I have an eye for who is and isn’t slutty, and this goes far beyond my default fantasy of “Well, she’s got a mouth, she’s got to be slutty.” Like a batter, there are a lot of telltale signs. Instead of hip movement or bat swing, first check the eyes. Are they slowly scanning the room, seeking something? If so, most likely you have a good case of daddy issues on your hands and she’s probably a nice prospect.
As I’ve said in the past, tattoos are the quickest indication that a gal likes anal. Is she covered in ink? Chances are she loves it in the ass and prefers it there first. Freud tied the whole yearning-for-pain thing back to the loss of virginity in his book about porn; I forget what it was called.
The young lady above is named Christy Mack, and I wish I were the scout who found her in Indianapolis. Aside from the necessary three holes, she’s got all the attributes needed to play in the big leagues: attitude, a unique look, and big tits. I don’t know who the (not dead) George Steinbrenner of porn is, but I can imagine calling him from my cell phone in the parking lot of the Brass Flamingo or whatever club I found Ms. Mack patronizing, and saying, “I just found your next Derek Jeter (of butt sex).”
I always wanted to own my own Brass Flamingo. From the moment I walked into my first strip club—smelling the coconut lotion and pressing my head to a stripper’s vagina in the champagne room and hearing the ocean—I knew it was the tropical locale where I wanted to live out my days in retirement. At the time we were at war with someone in the Middle East, and I remember thinking that the Gaza Strip would be a great name for a strip club, but as I traveled more I realized it was important to come up with the basest name possible to attract the sort of clientele who frequent such places: Tit World, Ass Palace, and Place to Look at Pussy (PtLaP) were quickly added to the list of possible names.
Then I moved to Cincinnati for nine long months and ballooned from 135 to 215 pounds. While living there I went to Sudsy Malone’s, a local rock venue/laundromat, and that’s when it hit me: Open a titty bar in a college town where you can pay the girls to do your laundry and give you a lap dance. I’d call it the Muff ’n’ Fold. Every year I’d get a new crop of girls who honestly and truly were just trying to put themselves through college. If they were unsure of what occupation to pursue, and if they had the right stuff, perhaps I could suggest to them a fun and exciting life in the not-at-all seedy world of pornography. I envisioned it as a wholesale family business with my sons recruiting the prospects for training camp, me scouting for the bigs, and my wife making sure the girls knew how to do laundry because I have no idea how that works. I tried once and flooded the entire basement with suds. Then again, they love those foam parties in Ibiza. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
Previously - Panty Pops
I snapped this picture before going in and it’s the only picture we took all night because almost immediately, we became far too drunk to work a camera.