Avoidsex on the beach: “Sand gets everywhere” is the cliched advice. Arguably more persuasive is the advice that, these days, so do people’s cameras.
– Bucket hats are essentially rap fedoras, let’s abort them now.
− Don’t be the guy who doesn’t wear shorts.
− Skinny shorts on men need to be expunged from history, as they make it really easy for people to picture what you’d look like naked except for a T-shirt and socks, AKA the most unattractive a man can ever be.
− The recently popularity of vests has been a failed experiment, no one wants to see your spider-y pit pubes and they make you look like one of the Satanists from True Detective.
− Everyone is onto the buttoned-up-to-the-top polo shirt look, so it’s time for the rest of us to cut that thing loose, although I will concede it did make us all look very smart for a few summers.
− John Lennon style sunglasses have been making a tentative comeback, it’s probably best they don’t, eh?
A Boy’s Guide to Not Being a Dick This Summer
Inevitably, summer is coming. There’s plenty of room here to cite some recent articles about heatwaves, climate change, and girls wearing shorts, but you’re not basement dwelling Redditors or people who review metal records on YouTube, you’ve been outside in just a T-shirt already this year, you don’t need to be babied.
In fact, given that you’re all such sophisticated young adults, we can afford to skim over park etiquette right now. If for some strange reason you haven’t got this yet, here’s the bare bones of how to conduct yourself in a park:
– Stereo = dickhead
– Ukulele = dickhead
– Guitar = dickhead
– Bongos = dickhead
– Sitting in a circle = dickhead
– Disposable BBQ = dickhead
– Upturned bin = dickhead
– Trying to impress children by curling their footballs back to them = dickhead
Now we’re clear on the basics, let’s firm up a few other summer-related issues that you might not be so au fait with.
The Greatest Summer Jam Since 1980, Round 2
Hello, internet. It’s us, your friends at Noisey. We decided to determine the greatest summer jam since 1980, tournament style. After a Round One that was tabulated by our resident goofball Luke Winkie, we decided to open the tournament up to voting from a panel of elite Internet Explorers and mage-level Netscape Navigators so that we might bring a sense of professionalism and objectivity to such a precise and scientific quest.
Because what is a “summer jam,” anyways? Is it a song that dominated the summer it was released in? Is it a song that only sounds good when it’s over 85 degrees out? Verily, nay. The summer jam is an ineffable beast; a riddle wrapped inside of an enigma wrapped inside a hook so obvious and dumb that whoever wrote them invariably deserves a MacArthur Genius Grant. It’s nostalgic but somehow casts an eye towards a better future. It’s not necessarily sexual, but when deployed correctly, the summer jam makes everyone within earshot a minimum of 10% sexier.
Some housekeeping before we get to the winners: Last round, people on the internet complained that lots of these songs didn’t come out in the summer, and that the songs we picked from the 80’s were arbitrary and that we left out actual genuine summer jams from the era. To these notions, we scoff. The summer jam is about living in the now; it doesn’t matter when a summer jam was released as long as it truly and unequivocally jams in the summer. In the galaxy of the summer jam, the past only exists to mine from so that your summer of now may shine brighter. Destroy your idols. Fuck Don Henley’s “The Boys of Summer.” The Ataris’ version is better, anyways.
All your favorite Noisey writers wrote about their favorite summer jams. (Mine’s “Big Pimpin’”.)
Gimme some sun: It’s Skirt Day 2013 in NYC!
The last day of summer was exactly two weeks ago. From here on out the weather’s only going to get shittier and more depressing. Here’s a photo album that sums up how much that sucks.
Read the rest at Vice Magazine: Vice Magazine | Event & Party Photos