I Ate Live Food from a Pet Store for a Week
Long story short: We need to find viable, palatable, nutritious alternatives to traditional meat.
With that in mind I decided to replace one meal per day for seven days with sources of protein that can be purchased alive from a pet store.
At this point I should note that I’m not some granola here to chew your ear off about how fucked up factory farming is. In fact, I eat a lot of meat myself. I’m from northern Michigan, where there’s only one day in the Christian calendar year when most folks will intentionally choose fish, and I’m the type of heathen who doesn’t even abstain on that day. So this little experiment was done for my own sake, to know what sort of animal-based dishes I can look forward to when hamburgers are enjoyed exclusively by the one percent.
Before beginning the diet, I consulted my doctor to make sure I wasn’t about to spark someContagion-type situation. As I told him about my plan he put his chin in his hand and nodded politely, but seemed pretty unconcerned.
“Isn’t there anything I should be worried about?” I asked.
He shook his head with an offhand warning against eating mice intestines. “Make sure to take those out.”
“Sure,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to eat their poop.”
After a pause, and without irony, he told me where in town I could find the best price on regionally raised beef tenderloin.
And so, with my doctor’s blessing, I drove to the pet store to buy some groceries.
Day 1: Crickets Pancakes
Nutritional Facts: 1 serving equals 100g of crickets. Each serving contains 121 calories, 12.9g protein, 5.5g of fat
4 cups of flour
1 cup of roasted crickets
Place your crickets in the freezer for 1-2 hours, then boil briskly for 1-2 minutes. Strain and cool. Place clean and cool crickets on a cookie sheet and bake at 300 degrees for 45 minutes.
Remove antennae and legs gently; they fall off easily. Crush collected crickets using a rolling pin or mortar and pestle until they are ground into small brown specks. Insufficient grinding will result in their small faces peering out at you from the batter L. Use flour in pancakes.
Crickets smell fishy—an aroma no doubt exacerbated by their placement in my local pet shop in thick plastic bins against a backdrop of blue fish tanks. In an effort to outwit my better instincts I told myself that the shrimp-like aroma wafting from my hotcakes was actually almonds.
Crickets taste like almonds, if you think of almonds, and shrimp if you think of anything other than almonds. This flavor is subtle, but when you place it in a pancake drenched in syrup, it becomes amplified. I recommend incorporating the cricket flour into a savory pastry, instead. Like nuts, they add a satisfying crunch.
I Wore a Latex Diaper to a Strip Club So I Could Come While Receiving a Lap Dance
I’ve never jizzed while receiving a lap dance, but apparently this happens a lot to other men. In Las Vegas, Nevada, a few bros were so worried about splooging their underwear that they invented “the Liquid Lapdance,” which is essentially a cum diaper.
“It started because my buddies and I would go to the strip club, and one of my buddies didn’t like to get dances. He said that they hurt him. That’s how we started coming up with how we could make dances better,” Reg, one of Liquid Lapdance’s inventors, told me. “The rubbing [part of lap dances] hurt my buddy’s sensitive skin.”
Hence Reg and his friends designed the Liquid Lapdance to give men more comfortable lap dance experiences and hope the device will also help men cream. “We don’t consider [ejaculating while receiving a lap dance] to be a problem,” Reg said. “We consider that the point of a lap dance.”
I didn’t understand any of this. Lap dances are never “dry” at gay strip clubs. At Johnny’s in Fort Lauderdale, I have seen strippers rim each other on stage, and every time I have paid for a lap dance, I ended up naked in a back room with a stripper. Why would anyone ejaculate—or want to ejaculate—from a bare-bones lap dance that didn’t even come with a rimjob?
"Smartphones mean the office is always in our pocket. Smart drugs could mean the office is always in our minds."
Given the recent surge in the popularity of nootropics—non-toxic, non-addictive drugs that enhance learning acquisition, increase the coupling of the brain’s hemispheres, and improve processing—a debate over the murky limits of our neurological optimization has arisen as well.
How to Swim from Cuba to Florida
Watch Motherboard’s new documentary about the jellyfish-beating science behind Diana Nyad’s 53-hour swim from Cuba to Florida.
Tenga is a Japanese manufacturer of disposable male sex toys—they make cylindrical “masturbation aids” that somehow don’t seem as repulsive as the Fleshlight (perhaps mostly because they’re not called a fleshlight). They’re also promoting a jerry-rigged amalgam of software and robotics that’s easily the closest you can come to having physical sex with a video game.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Future Harper’s Index of America
Numbers are fucked. Numbers know more about America than America knows about America. It’s like our whole existence is a string of digits some dork fantasized in his sleep and accidentally whipped into creation. Based on the evidence at hand, the state of where we’re headed only gets grosser, which maybe should be more obvious every hour than it already is.
By my calculation, here are some predictions, with a head-nod to the Harper’s Index of the Not Too Far To Come:
Average height of a newborn baby in 2060: 30”
In 2090: 0.4”
Percentage of Americans who believe “Silent Night” was written by Jesus Christ: 86
Number of wolves kept as house pets in the United States: 3,054,000
Of wolf-human hybrids born to those households: 98,000
Times John “Papa John” Schnatter will be reelected to presidential office following constitutional amendment: 107
Number of stand-ins believed to extend the life of “Papa John”: 81
Number of topping available for order on a Papa John’s pizza during his presidency: 2
Average weight of pizza consumed per week per citizen (in pounds): 9
Average weight of citizen (in new unpronounceable measurement designed to veil actual impact of a person’s weight as indicative of health): 4
Average weight of cover models of America Monthly magazine (subscription required with citizenship): .0003
Total sequels in Fast and the Furious chain filmed before the interior collapse of the moon: 39
Number of additional Biblical Commandments “discovered” chiseled onto the face of silver asteroid that will crash down and obliterate the lower half of Florida: 209
Length of Disney World Employee Memorial Wall and Hotel constructed along the border between U.S. and Mexico (in miles): 1,933
Who Is ‘Her’? – by James Franco
Spike Jonze’s Her is a story about the death of human love masked as a love story between a man, Theo (Joaquin Phoenix), and his sexy artificially intelligent operating system, Samantha (Scarlett Johansson’s voice). Theo works as a professional surrogate letter-writer, a profession that’s equal parts emotional detective, jaded but secretly hopeful voyeur, and empathetic poet. His specialty is the intimate love letter, so his letters give voice to the feelings for the couples that hire him. This service, one set in an unnamed metropolis in the near future (and was shot both in Los Angeles and Shanghai to give the grey and pastel Google-age sheen to the exteriors) provides a parallel for Theo’s eventual relationship with his OS, an ethereal and exponentially hyper-intelligent lover who says everything he wants to hear, just like Theo’s letters do for his clients. The central questions of the film are existential: What does it mean to be human? How do we define emotions? Can something digital, and programmed, have a personality? How valuable are our bodies in the dawning age of total digital immersion?