Let’s face it: the internet is a worse place for women.
Is Bam Margera Trolling Us with His Song “Bend My Dick to My Ass”?
Above is a music video that Bam Margera just released. In it, he raps about fucking himself in his own ass for a few minutes, before pissing in his own mouth.
Obviously, it’s terrible. I was just getting ready to send it to everyone I know so we could all LOL together, but then somebody pointed out to me that it might be satire, rather than Bam actually attempting to make something that people might find funny. And now I’m in two minds.
Reasons Why It Might Be Satire:
– It features every pop music video cliche of the last few years: flares, babes in a pool, babes in the back of a car, babes in a desert, standing on a car in the desert, a stupid dubstep breakdown, rave synths that sound like Velcro, etc. And this is Bam, remember, he loves really alt shit like skateboarding and HIM, so I bet he really, really hates pop music. I bet he uses words like “fake” and “posers” when describing it :(
– He is wearing headphones to help him with the lip-synching. This suggests it was turned around very, very quickly.
– OK, so it’s a piece of shit that’s not gonna be remade for IMAX any time soon, but multiple people clearly worked on this video. If he were genuinely attempting to be funny, somebody would have stepped in and stopped him. It would have been cruel not to.
– He pisses in his own mouth in the video. This is a comment on how modern pop music is repulsively, self-celebrating, and recycles the same shit (or piss) over and over again, just like that Pitchfork review of Jet.
– Ditto the above, but replace “pisses in his own mouth” with “bends dick to his own ass.”
– The “chorus” is: "I wanna bend my dick to my ass so I can fuck myself." The implications of a person saying this and genuinely thinking it’s funny are too depressingly wide-reaching to even begin thinking about.
Reasons Why It’s Probably Not Satire:
– It’s Bam Margera.
– He literally pisses in his own mouth in the video.
This week, most newspapers in the UK seem to have picked up on the news that a man sent a series of emails to super-hot conservative MP Louise Mensch threatening to kill her children, even going so far as to “Sophie’s Choice” her. All of the main newspapers over here referred to the guy who sent these threats as a “troll.” Obviously, sending an email threatening to murder somebody’s children is not “trolling,” it’s “being a cunt.” Just in case you’re my grandma, here is how Urban Dictionary defines trolling:
"The art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue. Trolling does not mean just making rude remarks: Shouting swear words at someone doesn’t count as trolling; it’s just flaming, and isn’t funny. Spam isn’t trolling either; it pisses people off, but it’s lame.
"The most essential part of trolling is convincing your victim that either a) truly believe in what you are saying, no matter how outrageous, or b) give your victim malicious instructions, under the guise of help.
"Trolling requires deceiving; any trolling that doesn’t involve deceiving someone isn’t trolling at all; it’s just stupid. As such, your victim must not know that you are trolling; if he does, you are an unsuccessful troll."
Below is an example of a recent story on “trolling” from each of the big UK newspapers, as well as my expert opinion on whether or not what they show is actually trolling. If you work in the media, feel free to print this out and use it as a handy reference guide.
The story: As mentioned above, a guy emailed Louise Mensch, threatening to kill her children.
Is this trolling? No.
Why not? While there can be no doubt that Zimmerman “deliberately” tried to piss Mensch off, there’s nothing at all “clever” or “secret” about it.
What is it then? It’s idiotic. Or simply just being mean to someone via email.
THE DAILY MAIL
The story: A university student started a Facebook group called “Somebody please kill Noel Edmonds.” Noel, who does not understand the internet, hired a company (!!!!) to trace the group’s creator and confronted him.
Is this trolling? No.
Why not? Again, this is neither clever or secret. Also, I can’t say for sure, but the student probably didn’t imagine that Noel would bother to hire the world’s top hackers to trawl the deep web to find this obscure site “Facebook” and thus the offensive group.
What is it then? It’s creating a whacky, student-y Facebook group. Or simply: Shit banter.