Why Is There a Photo of Robert Pattinson in the Cuban Revolution Museum?
While I was in Havana recently, I paid a visit to El Museo de la Revolución. The Cuban Revolution Museum, housed in the former presidential palace, is still pockmarked with numerous bullet holes and packed with propaganda lauding Castro’s Communist regime. Most of what’s on view is the kind of thing you’d expect to find in a communist revolution museum. There are framed photos of brow-beaten serfs and bearded mountain rebels. There are a number of hagiographic amateur Che Guevara waxworks. There is a “corner of cretins,” depicting George Bush as some kind of donkey-Nazi hybrid.    
However, upon reaching the last room, I saw something that you might not expect to spot in an exhibition of all things anticapitalist. Surrounded by black and white photos of Castro and other revolutionary types—plus dozens of weapons from the uprising—there hung a large picture ofTwilight star and teenage-girl-exciter Robert Pattinson.
The photo shows R-Patz in a black beanie, T-shirt, jeans, and jacket, apparently strolling through the same room I was standing in. However, it’s clearly been photoshopped (a search of “Robert Pattinson black beanie" brings up the exact same image, only he’s in LA, not Cuba) and the text surrounding it makes no mention of the actor ever visiting the museum.
Which raises the question: Why is there a picture of this Hollywood A-lister, representing all that is beguiling and vapid about capitalist America, on a poster hanging in the shrine to all things Cuban and communist?
Continue

Why Is There a Photo of Robert Pattinson in the Cuban Revolution Museum?

While I was in Havana recently, I paid a visit to El Museo de la Revolución. The Cuban Revolution Museum, housed in the former presidential palace, is still pockmarked with numerous bullet holes and packed with propaganda lauding Castro’s Communist regime. Most of what’s on view is the kind of thing you’d expect to find in a communist revolution museum. There are framed photos of brow-beaten serfs and bearded mountain rebels. There are a number of hagiographic amateur Che Guevara waxworks. There is a “corner of cretins,” depicting George Bush as some kind of donkey-Nazi hybrid.    

However, upon reaching the last room, I saw something that you might not expect to spot in an exhibition of all things anticapitalist. Surrounded by black and white photos of Castro and other revolutionary types—plus dozens of weapons from the uprising—there hung a large picture ofTwilight star and teenage-girl-exciter Robert Pattinson.

The photo shows R-Patz in a black beanie, T-shirt, jeans, and jacket, apparently strolling through the same room I was standing in. However, it’s clearly been photoshopped (a search of “Robert Pattinson black beanie" brings up the exact same image, only he’s in LA, not Cuba) and the text surrounding it makes no mention of the actor ever visiting the museum.

Which raises the question: Why is there a picture of this Hollywood A-lister, representing all that is beguiling and vapid about capitalist America, on a poster hanging in the shrine to all things Cuban and communist?

Continue

13 hours of Twilight made us feel feelings. 

13 hours of Twilight made us feel feelings

Fan Fiction Is for Fuckfaces

Illustration by Melanie Chernock
If you’re very sad, chances are you’re familiar with Fifty Shades of Grey, a 500-page BDSM porno “novel” that began as Twilight fan fiction. The total piece of shit squeezed out by E.L. James (aka “Snowqueen’s Icedragon”) warmed the cobwebbed loins of middle-aged women so much so that a real publisher, Vintage, reprinted it in April. James also made Time’s “100 Most Influential People in the World” list.
It’s only a matter of time before publishers start trawling fanfiction.net, where Fifty Shades first appeared, in search of the next breakout depressing smut star. Below is a sampling of my favorite top-ranked stories, which your aunt will soon be secretly masturbating to.A DAY WITH DISNEYAUTHOR: Haddad HatterSOURCE MATERIAL: Annie the Musical, The Godfather, Mickey Mouse cartoonsSUMMARY: Walt Disney visits Little Orphan Annie to give a speech about following your dreams. He compares his dreams and winning an Oscar to drug flashbacks. Out of nowhere, Mario Puzo walks in to shoot photos of Annie. Disney encourages Puzo to write The Godfather.BEST LINES: “I had already received an Academy Award in the year 1932. The year was 1951, and one of my best years. I knocked myself in the head to get rid of my flashbacks.”FIFTY SHADES OF FLANNELAUTHOR: Nancy O’TooleSOURCE MATERIAL: 50 Shades of Grey (Yes, it’s fanfic based on fanfic.)SUMMARY: Nancy’s own description: “What happens when a billionaire former crack baby meets a mature woman who stumbles into his office? If you believe in romance, stilted conversations, curious legal documents, and the power of flannel, you’ll submit to this tale.”BEST LINES: “What other woman secrets does he understand and yet tantalizingly keep just beyond my grasp? Bioré Pore Strips in my ears? Waxing my big toe? Pinot Grigio and Fritos whilst watching Real Housewives?”IT TOOK THEM TIMEAUTHOR: Loopyloonylupin96SOURCE MATERIAL: The Harry Potter seriesSUMMARY: A teenage Remus Lupin fantasizes about barebacking Sirius Black during class. Later, Sirius walks in on Lupin masturbating and helps the young werewolf come. Lupin, feeling guilty that he might have sexually assaulted Sirius, hides under an invisible cloak. But Sirius finds him and removes Lupin’s wet boxers, and… You can take it from there.BEST LINES: “Remus had known, ever since he first saw Sirius Black, that he was gay… His friends had accepted it. I mean, when you’re a werewolf, what’s a little bit of varied gender preference on top of that?”

Fan Fiction Is for Fuckfaces

Illustration by Melanie Chernock

If you’re very sad, chances are you’re familiar with Fifty Shades of Grey, a 500-page BDSM porno “novel” that began as Twilight fan fiction. The total piece of shit squeezed out by E.L. James (aka “Snowqueen’s Icedragon”) warmed the cobwebbed loins of middle-aged women so much so that a real publisher, Vintage, reprinted it in April. James also made Time’s “100 Most Influential People in the World” list.

It’s only a matter of time before publishers start trawling fanfiction.net, where Fifty Shades first appeared, in search of the next breakout depressing smut star. Below is a sampling of my favorite top-ranked stories, which your aunt will soon be secretly masturbating to.

A DAY WITH DISNEY
AUTHOR: Haddad Hatter
SOURCE MATERIAL: Annie the Musical, The Godfather, Mickey Mouse cartoons
SUMMARY: Walt Disney visits Little Orphan Annie to give a speech about following your dreams. He compares his dreams and winning an Oscar to drug flashbacks. Out of nowhere, Mario Puzo walks in to shoot photos of Annie. Disney encourages Puzo to write The Godfather.
BEST LINES: “I had already received an Academy Award in the year 1932. The year was 1951, and one of my best years. I knocked myself in the head to get rid of my flashbacks.”

FIFTY SHADES OF FLANNEL
AUTHOR: Nancy O’Toole
SOURCE MATERIAL: 50 Shades of Grey (Yes, it’s fanfic based on fanfic.)
SUMMARY: Nancy’s own description: “What happens when a billionaire former crack baby meets a mature woman who stumbles into his office? If you believe in romance, stilted conversations, curious legal documents, and the power of flannel, you’ll submit to this tale.”
BEST LINES: “What other woman secrets does he understand and yet tantalizingly keep just beyond my grasp? Bioré Pore Strips in my ears? Waxing my big toe? Pinot Grigio and Fritos whilst watching Real Housewives?”

IT TOOK THEM TIME
AUTHOR: Loopyloonylupin96
SOURCE MATERIAL: The Harry Potter series
SUMMARY: A teenage Remus Lupin fantasizes about barebacking Sirius Black during class. Later, Sirius walks in on Lupin masturbating and helps the young werewolf come. Lupin, feeling guilty that he might have sexually assaulted Sirius, hides under an invisible cloak. But Sirius finds him and removes Lupin’s wet boxers, and… You can take it from there.
BEST LINES: “Remus had known, ever since he first saw Sirius Black, that he was gay… His friends had accepted it. I mean, when you’re a werewolf, what’s a little bit of varied gender preference on top of that?”

"If the police come in here, they’ll be taking their lives into their own hands."
Occupy Twilight

"If the police come in here, they’ll be taking their lives into their own hands."

Occupy Twilight