13 hours of Twilight made us feel feelings.
Fan Fiction Is for Fuckfaces
Illustration by Melanie Chernock
If you’re very sad, chances are you’re familiar with Fifty Shades of Grey, a 500-page BDSM porno “novel” that began as Twilight fan fiction. The total piece of shit squeezed out by E.L. James (aka “Snowqueen’s Icedragon”) warmed the cobwebbed loins of middle-aged women so much so that a real publisher, Vintage, reprinted it in April. James also made Time’s “100 Most Influential People in the World” list.
It’s only a matter of time before publishers start trawling fanfiction.net, where Fifty Shades first appeared, in search of the next breakout depressing smut star. Below is a sampling of my favorite top-ranked stories, which your aunt will soon be secretly masturbating to.
A DAY WITH DISNEY
AUTHOR: Haddad Hatter
SOURCE MATERIAL: Annie the Musical, The Godfather, Mickey Mouse cartoons
SUMMARY: Walt Disney visits Little Orphan Annie to give a speech about following your dreams. He compares his dreams and winning an Oscar to drug flashbacks. Out of nowhere, Mario Puzo walks in to shoot photos of Annie. Disney encourages Puzo to write The Godfather.
BEST LINES: “I had already received an Academy Award in the year 1932. The year was 1951, and one of my best years. I knocked myself in the head to get rid of my flashbacks.”
FIFTY SHADES OF FLANNEL
AUTHOR: Nancy O’Toole
SOURCE MATERIAL: 50 Shades of Grey (Yes, it’s fanfic based on fanfic.)
SUMMARY: Nancy’s own description: “What happens when a billionaire former crack baby meets a mature woman who stumbles into his office? If you believe in romance, stilted conversations, curious legal documents, and the power of flannel, you’ll submit to this tale.”
BEST LINES: “What other woman secrets does he understand and yet tantalizingly keep just beyond my grasp? Bioré Pore Strips in my ears? Waxing my big toe? Pinot Grigio and Fritos whilst watching Real Housewives?”
IT TOOK THEM TIME
SOURCE MATERIAL: The Harry Potter series
SUMMARY: A teenage Remus Lupin fantasizes about barebacking Sirius Black during class. Later, Sirius walks in on Lupin masturbating and helps the young werewolf come. Lupin, feeling guilty that he might have sexually assaulted Sirius, hides under an invisible cloak. But Sirius finds him and removes Lupin’s wet boxers, and… You can take it from there.
BEST LINES: “Remus had known, ever since he first saw Sirius Black, that he was gay… His friends had accepted it. I mean, when you’re a werewolf, what’s a little bit of varied gender preference on top of that?”