The VICE Guide to North Korea
The VICE Guide to Being Trans
We’ve had a gay guide and a lesbian guide already, so in an effort to include the entire LGBT spectrum, we got our friend Paris (pictured above) to write a transgender guide. Bisexuals, you’re just gonna have to read the gay guide and the lesbian guide and combine them in your head. Sorry.
“Transgender” is like a really extreme form of gay. I turned gay back in 2003 just to be different, and although it upset my family, it wasn’t quite different enough, so I thought I’d get some surgery and shit to really fuck with everyone. Most people have absolutely no idea what they are talking about when it comes to transgender issues, but that doesn’t stop them from talking about them, so I figured I’d weigh in and compile a list too. Oh, and this came after VICE’s gay and lesbian guides because trans people are an insignificant and embarrassing addition to the LGBT community and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I’m a trans girl, BTW. So this is a guide to being a trans girl, really. Sorry trans boys, you’ll have to make your own guide. I can’t carry us all.
A - Androgyny
You know how when girls wear blouses that are clearly designed for girls but look a teeny tiny little bit boyish and the privileged twats at Vogue call it androgyny? It’s not that. Only trans people, Teletubbies, and about four 80s pop stars can really pull off androgyny. Androgyny can be a mix of male and female markers, or a lack of both. Tits and a dick? Androgyny! Referring to transsexual models like Givenchy hottie Lea T, who is now a woman, as androgynous? Not androgyny!
Honorable mentions: April Ashley (Google her); acid (the drug—it eases the pain); attention seeking; acid (like the kind in batteries that sometimes gets thrown in our faces).
B - Butt Sex
Seriously, who needs a vagina when you can just leave the back door open?
Honorable mentions: Chaz Bono; blow jobs; Birdo from Mario.
C - Cock and Cunt
Would make a great bar name. You probably wouldn’t be able to call a bar that though because it’s rude. Rude like the way people ask trans people about our cocks and our cunts as though they were fitted kitchens, or conservatories. (“Sue, tell me, have you had yours done yet?”) Though genital surgery is an important part of many people’s transitions, it’s really just a private medical matter. I wouldn’t ask you if you’re circumcized, or if your vagina is an innie or an outie. If you ask someone about their cock, you’re a cock.
Honorable mentions: Changing your outfit 20 times before you leave the house and twice outside the house; camp.
D - Drag
Drag is a gateway drug, kids. So be careful when you’re planning your next hilarious shenanigans. One minute you’re having the time of your life, dancing around in a cheap party wig—the next your snorting estrogen off the back of a toilet seat. Seriously, it happened to me.
Honorable mentions: Dicks, daddy issues, drama, Dana International.
E - Everything Is So Fucking Hard, Even Buying Milk and Snickers Bars and Chewing Gum
Let’s face it, life is tough. And everything’s worse when you’re trans. EVERYTHING. If you don’t believe me, fellas, try cross-dressing and heading out to work. On the subway. Followed by dinner. If you’re lucky, you’ll just get laughed at all day. If you’re unlucky, maybe you’ll get raped or beaten or murdered. Maybe all three, as is way, WAY too common for those of us who don’t “pass.” Statistically, trans-folk are way likelier to be homeless, sex workers, mentally ill, and to commit suicide, too. Which is a pretty big bummer.
There’s one thing worse than being a transsexual, and that’s being an old transsexual. Avoid it. Many trans people transition in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s and beyond after a lifetime of trying to conform. These people are legends and deserve Really Sticking with it When You Really Don’t Want to Awards. Which should definitely be a thing.
Honorable mentions: Es, ear piercings.
F - Faking It
As we tend to have a few tricks up our sleeves when it comes to making our bodies appear how we feel inside (ie jelly boobs), trans ladies are seen as deceptive. Which is kind of harsh, considering the lies that are told about us. It seems the majority of the general population thinks of trans people as being monsters. No smiling at kids on buses for you, trans lady. The idea that all trans people are perverts gets us banned from top jobs like rape counselling or working with children, but really it’s US who should be afraid of YOU, non-trans people! Seriously, stop harassing us by lifting our skirts up in public, pulling our tops down, grabbing our crotches, and trying to find out what bits we’ve got.
And if you feel uncomfortable around us, the stats show that we’re way, way more likely to be killed by you than you are by us. So let’s not get it twisted.
Honorable mentions: Fannies; foofs; fuck-holes; family; fear of aging.
G - Gossip
You’re in a bar. One minute you’re chatting to the man of your dreams (Man A), and the next he’s got some guy (Man B) whispering in his ear: “Man, you know that girl? She used to be a guy!” I have seen two responses to this; the first is Man A telling Man B to fuck off and that it’s none of his business (unlikely). This leaves you feeling irked, but all-in-all, triumphant. The second is when Man A thanks Man B profusely (even if he knew anyway, cunt) and joins him for a drink to jointly laugh at you from the other side of the bar. Which leaves you feeling, all-in-all, like a speck of shit (way more likely).
Honorable mentions: gays, gal pals.
H - Harry Benjamin Disorder Sufferers
Transsexualism was first classified as a medical condition by a surgeon called Harry Benjamin. Today, rather than calling it plain old transsexualism, some trans women like to tell people that they are suffering from Harry Benjamin Disorder. These “classic” transsexuals see themselves as special; better and more female than other trans women, and more female than anyone, actually. They will kill you if you try to shelter them under your cozy transgender umbrella. So make sure to leave them out in the rain.
Honorable mentions: Hope; hermaphrodites; Honor Blackman; hormone therapy.
The VICE Guide to Fat People
If you’re fat, your life probably went something like mine:
Once upon a time you were eight years old. Your parents got divorced. You moved schools. You didn’t talk to anyone for a few weeks. But then, magically, you got over it. How did you get over it? Spaghetti hoops and sausages in a can, no exercise, and Hostess Fruit Pies. Your journey had begun.
By the time you were ten, the world was laughing at you. And why not? You looked like a condom full of Play-Doh that came alive and grew some hair. Your parents fitted plastic locks on all the food cupboards, but you destroyed them easily with your massive hands. Your friends became bullies and your teachers became friends. How did you try to fix the situation? Chicken nuggets and milkshakes x 1000.
So now you’re a grown-up fat person. Congratulations, you are part of the most successful and fastest growing (LOL) demographic in the world. You’re also using up more resources than necessary, contributing disproportionately to global warming by expelling more gases than cattle, and indirectly murdering millions of starving children in Third World countries across the planet. Give yourself a round of applause!
But, as all daytime talk show enthusiasts know, life’s not always such a peach for the rotund. In fact, sometimes, it’s pretty damn shitty. So, for all you who, like me, are proud, First World fatties, here are some gems of advice to help you through your significantly shortened lives.
FACIAL HAIR ♂ / MAKEUP ♀
When you’re a child, disguising the fact that your neck long ago enveloped your jawline is not easy. However, sexual maturity offers you a get out of jail. Careful grooming of a beard (an actual beard, not soul patches or those bullshit pencil-thin Jersey Shorelines) not only creates the illusion of a jaw, but also lends a sense of masculinity to a blotched, swollen face which, frankly, belongs on a pregnant alcoholic. Ladies, unhappy you can’t beard up like your pudgy brothers? You can achieve similar effects by using subtle shadings of blusher and foundation to draw on a chin somewhere in that pile of flesh that goes from your shoulders to your lips.
If you believe television, then you think fat people seek each other out romantically. Obviously, this is not the case. Just because you’re fat, it doesn’t mean you fancy other fat people—you’re fat, not a chubby chaser. Fat people fancy the same people as everyone else: Ryan Gosling and Rihanna, we just have even less of a chance of actually sleeping with them. Fat people tend to settle for other fat people; and then we compliment each other, we feel good about ourselves, and the world inches towards being a better place.
You might be a looker. Fuck, you might be David JFK Clooney Beckham, but no one will ever know, because your face is hidden behind two inches of meat. The average person doesn’t want to make out with a plate of sausage filling. But, hopefully you’ve been paying attention to the hilarious insults everyone’s been throwing at you since year dot, because you’re going to need to be funny. Charming as well. Seriously, you have to be twice as charming as Hugh Grant, because he’s really skinny. But get it right, and you’ll be able to fuck right out of your comfort zone. Sixes. You can get sixes. Which, let’s face it, is great news.
Alternatively, if you’re gay, you lucked out. Hot, skinny lesbians, who—on planet hetero-norm—would be screwing Jared Leto, LOVE big girls. And if you’re a fat gay guy? Well, things couldn’t be easier; walk into any bear bar and prepare to feel all those years of feeling unattractive washed away in a sea of jizzum.
As a large person, a lot of your life is spent trying to avoid breaking a sweat or running out of breath. Sadly, you’re gonna fall short of this ambition several times a day, every time you see a flight of stairs, in fact. Unless you live in an air-conditioned elevator wonderland, you’re going to have to deal with stairs ALMOST CONSTANTLY. Toilets, bedrooms, balconies, viewing platforms—all of these bastard things are upstairs and by the time you get there, you’re going to smell so bad the paramedics will probably refuse to treat the enormous heart attack going on behind your fat ribs. Also, the temperature in your crotch will go up by about 15 degrees in under 60 seconds. Fucking stairs.
How to Speak Like a Maritimer
While Americans look to the south for unintelligible slang and quaint accents, Canadians look to the east. People speak so fucking weirdly in Canada’s Maritime Provinces that you practically need special Robocop-style eyewear to translate the toothless fisherman-ese into intelligible subtitles. But even though you might have trouble understanding what they say, the fact that they’re friendly as fuck comes across loud and clear. After some time, their garbled fast-paced accents and abuse of English grammar grows on you to the point where you find yourself back in the big city going, “Holee Jesus cocksuckin’ Murphy, she was some fuckin’ cold and a pocketful of fuck yester’ night, I’ll tell ya right now.”
Maritimers communicate with one another like young twins that invent gibberish language: They say what they want, how they want to say it. Communication is successful through a combination of inflections, contexts, and an instinctive mutual understanding that stems from living for decades in the same small boring coastal town. Here are a few tips if you ever want to try and converse with someone from Tatamagouche.
TALK REALLY, REALLY FAST
For starters, Maritimers speak at a speed that can only be compared to an episode of Gilmore Girls cast with leprechauns on crank. When in doubt, the rule of thumb is: Fake it till you make it. No fisherman is going to dissect the minutiae of what you’re trying to say, so if you’re stuck casually throw in a few nonsensical nautical-sounding phrases like “flipper dipper” or “thar she blows!” Keep up with the pace and no one will second-guess you. If you find yourself utterly speechless, stuff your face full of donair and they’ll think your dad was the mayor of Memramcook.
SPEAK LIKE A PIRATE
The whole living-by-the-sea thing has given everyone a kind of “arrr matey!” lilt. So words like “our” are pronounced “are,” “car” sounds like “currh,” and you’ll regularly hear things like, “Come on, Terry. Get in the currh (car) we’re going to the burrh (bar). Oh it’s not too furrh (far).”
“WHAT’RE YOU SAYIN’?”
This saying translates simply into “What’s up?” and it will get you confused looks anywhere east of New Brunswick. Maritimers prefer to ask what someone is “saying” rather than “doing,” because most of them come from small towns where everyone gossips and nobody actually does anything.
THE VICE GUIDE TO ADULTHOOD
We are so sick of you full-grown babies running around aimlessly—with your shoes untied and overdraft-fee receipts falling out of your pockets and grease stains on your cut-offs and employment-repellant skillsets and inability to party and go to work the next morning—that we’ve gone ahead and figured it all out for you.
In the early 2000s, 20- and even 30-somethings could eek out a passable existence as abhorrent, unabashedly selfish, microwave-dependent, and wholly unproductive members of society. Today, somewhat due to the grievous irresponsibility’s of our baby boomer parents, we know that such behavior can only heap insurmountable debt being foisted upon future generations, and, if you really give it your all, the slaughter of millions of innocent civilians worldwide and other atrocities.
Chances are your parents were selfish and didn’t raise you correctly. Like, at least one-third of the people reading this have no idea how to fold a T-shirt. What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you just not show up to that day of life? But it’s OK. We will show you the way.
Gay was invented by two guys in the city of Sodom in 254 BC. Since then, tons and tons of men have been enjoying sex with other men. But, as fun and as normal as that is, LOADS of people have a problem with it. In fact, lots of people think that putting a dick anywhere near another man’s bum or mouth hole is basically the same as wiping it all over God’s toothbrush. Because of this, “gay shit” remains a controversial subject best avoided at religious events, or in the presence of idiots. Here’s our comprehensive guide to everything you ever wanted to know about gayness, but were too afraid to ass.
Oh, and lesbians, we know you’re gay too. But this is a guide to gay stuff for guys. You’ll get your own guide soon.
Apparently 15 percent of gay guys don’t ever do anal sex. If any of that 15 percent are reading this, YOU SHOULD TRY IT! Until you’ve had your bell rung from the inside, you haven’t rung your bell at all. Sure, it’s gonna hurt the first few times, but fuck it, get your boy to stick it in your lil’ bum and cum, cum, and cum again! It’s great! One warning though, if you go down the rabbit hole enough times, eventually you’re going to find a rabbit. But in this case, that “rabbit” is “poop.”
Honorable mentions: Alt gays, ABBA.
Being So Bored in Gay Clubs That You Just Watch the Video Wall All Night
The gay scene fucking sucks. But if you want to have sex even a little bit, you’re going to have to take part in it eventually. You’d think that there’d be a gay bar out there that would cater to you, what with all the bear bars, the daddy bars, the punk gay bars, the sissy-bounce gay bars, the Mexican cowboy gay bars, the square-dancing gay bars, and the gay bars for people with ginger hair fetishes (these are all real gay bars I’ve been to, BTW). But nope. No matter where you go, you’re gonna be hearing the same remix of “We Found Love” four times in an hour. And holy shit are you gonna get bored.
Honorable mentions: Bears, brunch, Broadway, Butt Magazine, Billy Eichner,”bisexuals,” bisexuals, Bret Easton Ellis, bigots.
This girl I know just came out to her friends in a bar, people overheard, announced it to the room and then strangers bought her drinks all night! Great, huh! Another guy I know just came out to his family, and his brother tied his hands behind his back and threw him into a river! Less great, huh! I guess, most of the time, coming out stories are somewhere between those two. Pretty much no dad punches the air when his son brings home a boyfriend, but not too many reverse the car over him, either.
Still, the main thing about coming out is that it’s probably best to ACTUALLY DO IT. I know, at times, it can be kind of exciting to have a big secret you’re hiding from everyone (like you’re Alex Mack or Batman), but every day a gay man spends in the closet makes him a little bit crazier. So bust down those doors or come to terms with becoming Jeffrey Dahmer Reloaded. Unless you live in Saudi Arabia or some shit. In which case, keep it under wraps.
PS: I’m sorry to break this to you. But everybody already knows. Even your mom. It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious, dude.
PPS: If your parents are assholes and refuse to accept you, fuck ‘em. They get three years to be totally 100 percent OK with it (five, if they’re old), after that, they’re X’ed.
Honorable mentions: Chubs, choking, Cabaret, celebrity gossip, Courtney Love, crying, Cyndi Lauper, chick flicks.
Meth used to be the gay drug of choice. Back in the day, queens would fuck themselves up on it and then go to shitty parties with shitty music and pop a bunch of Viagra and have a ton of unsafe sex and get HIV. Meth is awful. Never do meth. Ecstasy and pot and acid and K are OK, I guess, but can everyone promise to stop messing with meth? And mephedrone or whatever that new shit is that even old men are doing now. “M” drugs are bad, guys. Knock them off.
Honorable mentions: Dennis Cooper, daddies, drag queens, drunk texts, Paris Hilton’s “Drunk Text,” divas.
Neeeever gonna happen! Sez, everyone. Think about it; there are so many places where gays are viewed with about as much affection as a shit on a pillowcase: The Middle East, Africa, 50 percent of Europe, a whole bunch of America, 99 percent of South America, 80 percent of Asia. $800 says that everyone who’s ever been on the moon is a homophobe—which means we can’t have that either.
Of course, there’s been progress, but even if we’re optimistic, and we were to assume that the medieval types still hating queers will eventually be outmoded by new, fabulous, liberal guys; it’s going to take so long that by the time they’re cool, all the fabulous, liberal places on Earth will have probably slipped back into religious despotism and gay hating. Sucks, huh?
But still, you know what’s great? When tough gays kick the shit out of homophobes. Let’s do that more. And don’t forget to put it on YouTube!
Honorable mentions: Expensive hair products, erections, E! True Hollywood Stories.
The VICE Guide to Dating Rich Girls
Rich girls are hot because their mums are hot. But they’re also insane because their dads are inbred sociopaths with Nazi fetishes. All of this makes dating one for a short period of time an excitingly weird mixture of prescription pills, naps, crazy arguments, depressing music, room service, therapists, tattoos that cost more than cars, jet lag, and guestlists. It’s gonna be fun!
They won’t stick around forever, however, as they’re genetically pre-disposed to breed among their own kind. But as long as you understand you’ll never be anything more than just a stopgap to them, you’re in with a shout.
This is all about timing. There’s a point in every rich girl’s life where they stop accepting daddy’s handouts and start nicking it from his wallet instead. This is when you strike. This is your brief window of opportunity.
The first step is identifying the bars/clubs that these girls frequent. One of a rich girl’s favorite activities is to go and look at other rich-people-who-are-pretending-to-be-poor playing in bands. A good way to find these is to check your local listings for who’s playing in your area, cross-reference band names with the internet, and look out for names like Charlie or Rupert or Frederick. That’s where you’ll find gold.
You have nothing to offer a rich girl other than being slightly less fortunate than they are, so wave your pedestrian lifestyle around as though it was an alternative lifestyle choice. You’ve gotta play it like Basquiat or Leo in Titanic; wear fingerless gloves, squint a lot, and say things like “Mister, I meet a lotta people with money, but whadda they got to show for it?” Obviously saying something like that while looking another human being in the eye with a straight face is gonna be pretty difficult, but you’ll get used to it. Just bear in mind her entire concept of rebellion will be gleaned from Dickens’s novels and James Franco’s Twitter.
The urban equivalent of this is equally potent: Get some lines in your eyebrows, claim to be a small-time coke dealer, wear a lot of Stone Island, and basically inhabit all of her parents’ nightmares. At the very worst, her dad will probably attempt to pay you off. If he does, shout, “I don’t need your money!” and then steal his iPod.
Yes, her flat isn’t shit. Get over it. The most important rule here is to never EVER ask how much her place is costing her. I know it’s fun to work out in your head how many times more expensive it is than your own rent, or to figure out how many hours you would have to work to pay the rent for just one month (approx 500, BTW) but don’t. a) Her parents are paying for it and she has no fucking idea, and b) Just fucking be cool. Act like you’re so accustomed to this kind of luxury that you haven’t even noticed she’s using a remote control to operate the curtains. Just shut up, sit back.
Unless you’re a horrible, horrible human being, dating a girl with a maid is gonna make you feel like the worst person on Earth; like the conscientious son of a plantation owner. Every ounce of your being is going to want to take your own plate over to the sink or say things like, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.”
But you know when a lion rips apart a gazelle in a nature documentary and Attenborough says something like “although horrifying to us, this is just par for the course in the wild”? Think about it like that. And if you’re still upset about it, just remember that the Filipino maid you feel so sorry for lives in a bigger house than you (the outhouse at your girlfriend’s).
Firstly, you’re gonna want to sleep with her mom because her mom is going to look THE EXACT OPPOSITE to your mom. She will smell like whatever frankincense smells like. However, she will understand what you are straight away; which is just “a phase.” She might even regale you both with a story about how she once dated a “punk rocker with a motorcycle” before “meeting daddy,” which is essentially a nice way of saying “Lily is marrying Sebastian, and your days are numbered, dickhead.”
The dad is worse. He understands all your disgusting urges because he lives on a diet of anal sex with Polish women that get delivered to his hotel. The other problem with dads is that rich girls and their fathers flirt to the point of obscenity. This may make you feel weird, but imagine how much it fucks up these two weirdos.
Two things. Number one: Compared to her school friends, your mates are gonna look like House of Pain. Number two: She won’t be hanging out with her school friends any more, she’ll be hanging out with a touring collective of models, drug dealers, guys who own guitars, guys who own clubs, alternative pop stars in their early teens, and really old guys who used to know Joe Strummer. You will hate them. Your own friends will try very, very hard to screw all the models, though.
Rich girls have been taking drugs since they were three. If you don’t think you can be outdrink, out Xanaxed, out coked, out speeded, out everythinged by a 16-year-old, you’re wrong. Heath Ledger, John Belushi, River Phoenix—I guarantee they all died trying to match rich girls. No normal person, raised on shit weed and wine, can compete with a person built from neurosis, privilege, pressure, and those slimming pills made from ground-up Chinese babies.
IMPORTANT! Remember, part of them WANTS to get caught. So when they’re racking up lines on a Subway sneeze guard and it seems like it would be funny to join in, don’t! They’re gonna get bailed. And you’re not.
didas is cool. It’s always cool, but make sure you know that it stands for “All Day I Dream About Sex.” If you say “sports” it means you are a gay. It’s even cooler if you know the backwards definition: “Sex All Day In Dad’s Apartment.”
ecome friends with someone older than you, like an 8th grader (or, as Canadians say, “a grade 8”). Even if they are boring and stupid, they can protect you and people in your grade will think you are cooler. These older kids will also get their driver’s licenses before you so eventually you will be able to use them for rides, but that’s more of a 9th grader thing.
arry your book bag on one shoulder, unless you don’t have a book bag and you want to hold your books, which is also cool and a better option for girls. Don’t say “knapsack.” When a teacher calls it a “knapsack,” make sure you laugh in her face so hard she feels stupid and old.
o not buy lunch, bring your own. If you eat food from the cafeteria, you are a loser. If you carry your lunch on a tray, you are a loser. Small brown paper bags only.
veryone knows that if you get into a fight, you do not cry. Crying is the kiss of death. Sure, if you do start crying, maybe the person will stop beating you up, but they will also be disgusted. Sometimes girls “feel bad” when people cry, but don’t let this fool you. The kid who cries is destined to be the kid who is forever ignored, and eventually someone will start a rumor about how he has Hershey squirts. Suck it up, fight back, do whatever it takes — just DO NOT CRY. It just makes things uncomfortable and awkward for everyone.
Continue: The VICE Guide to Junior High