I Wore a Latex Diaper to a Strip Club So I Could Come While Receiving a Lap Dance
I’ve never jizzed while receiving a lap dance, but apparently this happens a lot to other men. In Las Vegas, Nevada, a few bros were so worried about splooging their underwear that they invented “the Liquid Lapdance,” which is essentially a cum diaper.
“It started because my buddies and I would go to the strip club, and one of my buddies didn’t like to get dances. He said that they hurt him. That’s how we started coming up with how we could make dances better,” Reg, one of Liquid Lapdance’s inventors, told me. “The rubbing [part of lap dances] hurt my buddy’s sensitive skin.”
Hence Reg and his friends designed the Liquid Lapdance to give men more comfortable lap dance experiences and hope the device will also help men cream. “We don’t consider [ejaculating while receiving a lap dance] to be a problem,” Reg said. “We consider that the point of a lap dance.”
I didn’t understand any of this. Lap dances are never “dry” at gay strip clubs. At Johnny’s in Fort Lauderdale, I have seen strippers rim each other on stage, and every time I have paid for a lap dance, I ended up naked in a back room with a stripper. Why would anyone ejaculate—or want to ejaculate—from a bare-bones lap dance that didn’t even come with a rimjob?
Nobody Wants to Talk About Bestiality Until Somebody Fucks a Horse
On July 2, 2005, Kenneth Pinyan was dropped off by an unidentified man in the emergency room of the sleepy Enumclaw Community Hospital, about 25 miles outside of Tacoma, Washington. By the time doctors reached him, he had died of a perforated colon. When police began to investigate the death, following the trail of events that had led Pinyan to the hospital that summer day, they found themselves balls deep in a ring of bestiality the likes of which Washington State had never seen.
As it turned out, Pinyan had sustained his injury while letting a horse have sex with his ass on a farm outside of Enumclaw. After tracking down the man who dropped Pinyan at the hospital, authorities found and searched the farm where he’d sustained his injury and discovered a videotape of the act, along with over a hundred others depicting men having sex with or receiving sex from various farm animals (aside from horses, there were violations of goats, sheep, and chickens), taken by a man named James Michael Tait, who lived nearby. Confronted with the sheer scale and duration of the videos, police and reporters alike swallowed their discomfort and dove into the world of zoophile chatrooms and websites. After a little digging, it became clear that the Enumclaw farm was known in the community as a major bestiality brothel.
But when police tried to charge Tait with a crime, they realized that Washington did not have any laws on the books prohibiting the ungodly union between man and beast. The best they could tag him with was trespassing, resulting in one year of probation, a $300 fine, and one day of community service.
"It was just a normal day. I’d been out having sex with some girls, and then I saw Jesus."
We interviewed a British porn star quit lesbian scenes for the Lord
In an era when fetish was still an anthropological term and men’s magazines relied on code words like specialty and mature, a pioneering Armenian pornographer with an unerring instinct for cultural taboos was busy inventing his own daring adult genre. Though his name is no longer mentioned alongside Hefner and Flynt, Milt Abdjourian’s bold, single-minded dedication to fabric, attire, and hyper-specialized contextual perversion lives on in dozens of colorful titles and still-provocative covers.
An Interview with the World’s Favorite Porn Star
A couple of days ago, PornHub released what basically amounts to a chart of the planet’s porn-viewing habits. In the US, two of the top three search terms were “teen” and “MILF,” which are obviously the only two acceptable age groups for sexual fantasies. The majority of British viewers spend an entire minute longer—about 9:42 compared to 8:56—than the world’s average, but they have nothing on American viewers, who keep going all the way up to the 11-minute mark. Almost everyone on the planet wants to jerk off to someone from their own country, but the one thing that united all the world was Lisa Ann. Turns out that “Lisa Ann” was the second-most popular search in Britain and the most popular in the world. She is the most desirable adult actress on the internet.
The star made her name in Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?, where she played a sexpot version of Alaskan bombshell/former politician Sarah Palin. She also has a signature Fleshlight model, voiced a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto V and was called one of the most powerful people in the adult film industry by no less an authority than Fox News.
I gave Lisa Ann a call to chat about what all that success felt like.
Results of top searches on Pornhub from various countries. You can see how much the British like Lisa Ann.
VICE: Hey Lisa, congrats. So I’m guessing you already knew you were the most popular porn star in the world, right? You didn’t need some stats to tell you that.
Lisa Ann: It’s interesting. I’m surprised at my staying power, and I’m impressed by the consistency from me. When you get in an upswing in a career you’re always looking at it like, OK, this could also downswing. But the momentum has been so consistent and so fun. People often walk up to me and ask for photos, but I think, It’s just me!
What is it about your work, do you think, that literally everyone in the world loves so much?
I don’t know! I look at other girls when they’re doing scenes and think, Wow, you’re so much better at this than me. I don’t know why people like me so much. I’m not that wild, compared to what I see other girls do. I look at myself and think, Wow, you’re kinda boring.
How to Have Better Sex in 2014
This is an article about having better sex in 2014. To take you to new erotic heights, I was going to give you some practical sex advice: don’t fuck two participants in a threesome with the same condom on, a guy will almost always love it if you sit on his face, ladies don’t like cum in their hair, etc. But, to be honest, practical tips turn sex into a bizarre shopping list: If you didn’t like Tip #2: “Draw a sexy bull’s-eye around your nipple with rhinestones and eyelash glue” (an actual Cosmo tip), then try Tip #9: “Gently stick his penis through the hole of a glazed donut” (another REAL TIP). These tips are impractical. There is really only one tip I can give you: use your mouth.
For talking, guys. For talking. I talked to a bunch of normal people I know and asked them what happened with their dicks, pussies, and asses in 2013 and what they’re going to do to make it better in 2014.
Pat, 30, is a regular human who had a good sex year: “Sex for me this year was all about learning to have sex consistently with one partner. Previously I was more of a casual sex/fuckbuddy person, but now that I have a girlfriend I had to get used to the idea of having monogamous sex with the same woman, all the time. Partner sex is less about getting drunk enough to do crazy shit and more about looking each other in the eyes and soberly telling each other what you want. In 2014 I think that trust will serve to help us explore even further our desires and sexual proclivities in a way that neither of us have had the opportunity to in the past. And by that I mean butt stuff.”
I Was a Pornhub Intern for a Day
These are dark days for young people in America. According to the Guardian’s Jana Kasperkevic, only 63 percent of 20-to 23-year-olds have found work in the wake of the Great Recession, and 18-to 25-year-olds make up 35.5 percent of workers who earn a yearly wage below the poverty line. Many millennials turned to unpaid internships to jump-start their careers but found themselves working for free for years instead. Several interns sued Conde Nast and other companies, hoping the lawsuits would encourage companies to create paid internships, and in response Conde Nast killed their internship program.
As a 22-year-old who landed my first real-world job because of my several internships, I’ve found this chain of events depressing. Yet, in the midst of this crisis, there has been a ray of hope in @Pornhubinterns—two interns at the popular porn website who have turned their internships into an internet-famous Twitter account and their own personal brand.
Although Pornhub receives an average of 35 million hits a day and a billion hits a month, Amber and Madeline are the company’s first interns. They launched a contest to find two interns a year ago, and a friend sent Amber a link so she could enter. A big breasted blonde in her mid-20s, Amber had spent the last several years stripping and living out of hostels—she thought interning at Pornhub was something she was born to do.
Madeline found the contest on her own. Between her long dark hair and intense stare, Madeline looks like Wednesday Addams—akin to something out of an Adams Familyremake created by a movie studio trying to “connect with millennials.” She saw an ad for the internship while she was high on Ambien in her bed during senior year of college. The contest seemed like a solution to Madeline’s problems. She had struggled with anxiety her entire life. “I was too cool for school, but I didn’t have friends,” she said about her time at Catholic school. “I I was the cool girl who was mean to the rich bitches.” But when she left for college, she found herself rarely leaving her house. “I don’t leave the house because I’m a fucking loser. I don’t have any friends. I’d rather play The Sims.” This internship will be so good for me, she thought.
After several rounds of auditions, the two girls won the internship. Almost immediately, Pornhub flew the girls to the AVN Awards in Las Vegas, where they met for the first time. “We were so turnt up, we didn’t sleep,” Madeline said. They ended up at Ron Jeremy’s party, but refused to say what took place. “Ron Jeremy was influential personally, emotionally, and physically,” Madeline assured me—“and we may have caused his aneurysm,” Amber added in.