The VICE Guide to Pizza
After originating in the Mediterranean in the 1800s, the round pie we call pizza became a global sensation post-World War II. Just about every nation in the world has their version of this versatile dish. The genius of pizza is that it’s infinitely adaptable. Everyone has their preferences and unique predilections. Cultures put their own spin on pizza, but it’s all equal… or is it?
A restaurant in Canada created the world’s most expensive pizza just this month. For $450, you can get a white truffle pie with lobster thermidor, black Alaskan cod, smoked salmon, tiger prawns, and Russian Osetra caviar. It probably tastes like licking the crotch of a track suit after a marathon, but the Dr. Frankensteins who invented this monstrosity are able to call their dish “pizza” because their stupid ingredients are on a round disc made of dough. I refuse to stand for that.
It’s time that we as a society put our foot down and set some guidelines for what is and isn’t pizza. We’ve assembled an A-Z list of the most important aspects of pizza culture and SPOILER ALERT: none of them include fucking caviar.
This is the witching hour when it comes to pizza. While pizza definitely has its moments at dinner and during the wee hours of the morning when you’re plastered, it really shines due to its ubiquitous presence at after-school extracurricular activities. Whether it’s post-soccer game or during a study session for final exams, pizza absolutely dominates this time slot. We haven’t seen numbers like this since Cheers in its heyday. In fact, if it weren’t for pizza at practice, math-letes all across the nation would starve to death.
Honorable Mentions: Anchovies, all-you-can-eat lunch buffet, artichokes, anal leakage
Whoever says Bigfoot isn’t real doesn’t remember Pizza Hut’s contribution to the world of cryptozoology. In the 90s, Pizza Hut introduced “The Bigfoot.” This gargantuan pizza was one foot wide and two feet long. Initially popular, it was quickly discontinued. Although there are some who say the beast is still out there…
The giant, square pizza was something of a mini-trend in the 90s. Domino’s had the Dominator, which didn’t last long. Even Little Caesar’s had one called “Big! Big!" This was also discontinued, and not just because of the stunning lack of creativity in the pizza’s name.
Honorable Mentions: BBQ chicken, Book-It, breadsticks
Like revenge, pizza is a dish best served cold. Eating your pizza cold not only tastes great, but is fast and easy. Sure the crust isn’t as snappy and the pepperoni now has the consistancy of an unused condom, but the congealed cheese is the secret weapon of the leftover slice. The magic of cold pizza cheese is not something I even want to understand. Telling me why it’s good is like telling me how babies are made. WHO CARES, DUDE? I just wish there was a stork that delivered cold pizza to my house.
Honorable Mentions: CiCi’s Pizza, crust-first, coupons, CPK
Your parents sit you down and tell you that they still love each other. It isn’t your fault, but they’re going to start spending time apart. You know what that means? Twice a month you’re going to get to order whatever toppings you want! Thank God your dad can’t cook for shit. True love is a lie, and you’re reaping all the benefits. Hey, maybe if your family spent more time eating a nice home-cooked meal around the table instead of inhaling pizza in front of the TV you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place. Ah, it’s a vicious cycle. A delicious, vicious cycle.
Honorable Mentions: Deep dish, dessert pizza, delivery, DiGiorno