In 1996, Scotland’s Roslin Institute cloned the fluffiest, most adorable sheep they could find, named it Dolly, and everyone except for uptight religious people let out a collective “Awwwwww” heard round the world. It is a little-known fact that in the years following Dolly’s miraculous birth, at the end of each workday the scientists responsible for her existence would incessantly bicker about whose turn it was to take her home and cuddle with their baby. Their solution, to clone more impeccable fluffballs, resulted in hiring more scientists, and it was soon obvious that keeping up with demand would be impossible.
Last month the feud was unexpectedly resolved when VICE received a phone call from the Institute’s senior somatic-cell nuclear-transfer expert, who claimed to be “Cute Show! fan number 1!” (and who also wishes to remain anonymous). He invited us to exclusively document the unveiling of what he would only describe as “the cutest being ever created.” Of course we booked the next flight to Edinburgh.
We arrived precisely on time, and the receptionist directed our crew to wait for our mysterious host outside a door in a nearby hallway. Within minutes a man with bright orange hair and wearing a lab coat stormed down the hall holding a cat carrier. He barely acknowledged us as he rushed past and grabbed hold of the knob, flinging the door open.
“TIME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, DICKFACES!” the scientist screamed. The room went silent as he slowly opened the cage door and gently removed a two-week-old specimen of his own invention, plainly stating, “Behold the final frontier of cute: the kuppy-cat.” As he cradled and rocked the newborn, which he introduced as Ginger (Mark II), his colleagues immediately began arguing about who’d get to hold her first. “IDIOTS!” the biologist shouted. “Do you think I’d be stupid enough to repeat this mistake? They are born in litters, duh. There’s one for each of you.” Two lab assistants entered the room, each carrying a cardboard box containing seven identical kuppy-cats. And if things continue according to plan, in the next few months you too will be able to purchase your very own kuppy-cat at the nearest pet store.
Hey, we know how much you want to believe this and watch a video about them, but kuppy-cats aren’t real. We made them up because the world needs them and hopefully some miracle worker will be inspired by reading this and create them. In the meantime, watch all of the adorableness of past episodes of the 100 percent real and huggable animals featured on The Cute Show!
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