Don’t Stick Dominos in Your Dick

I think when most regular citizens imagine a guy going to jail, they figure that the convict will have to do something stupid to prove his mettle to all the gangsters in there. Usually this scenario involves some thirsty new jack wanting to earn his stripes with the Bloods, Crips, Latin Kings, or Aryan Brotherhood by accepting an assignment to cut or stab some rival. In my years in lockup, I saw this a few times, although it was nowhere near as prevalent as one might think. What I did see was a little more shocking.

Prison gangs are somewhat secretive ‘cause you never know who a snitch is, and the authorities frown upon gangs and can discipline someone for being affiliated with one. In New York prisons, the Bloods are public enemy number one, and the pork chops go after them aggressively and punish them as scapegoats for everything that goes wrong. The Latin Kings are historically a Puerto Rican gang, although the lines have blurred in the past decade from what I’ve witnessed. Many Dominicans—and there are a bunch of them—join a gang called the Trinitarios.

For some reason, I am still unable to ascertain, the Trinitarios like to get together in the bathroom and puncture their penises with a little slice and then insert an implant. From what I hear, usually they break off a piece of a domino and insert it up under the foreskin area, or sometimes down closer to the base. In theory, this gruesome procedure is supposed to increase sexual performance, but we always ridicule these fellows, ’cause none of us are gettin’ in that pretty puss-hole in the clink-clink. Truthfully, I’m not sure what good this implant would do. Maybe it’s just an excuse to put another man’s bicho in your hand and jam a foreign object into it?

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YouTube sensation Shoenice22 has spent the last two years eating and drinking everything from sticks of deodorant, to tampons, to full bottles of grain alcohol. He’s a grown up and more self-destructive version of that weird kid at camp who would eat worms for attention.

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Gross Jar: The Second Coming

Yesterday, Christians remembered Jesus’s resurrection. Today, we are announcing the resurrection of our own sort of Christ, the Gross Jar.

Long-time readers might remember the Gross Jar, but if you’re new here and not very good at figuring stuff out, here’s a breakdown of the concept: We take gross stuff, and put it in a jar.

We laid the last incarnation (this is our third Jar) of the Gross Jar to rest about five years ago, when the stench and consistency had crescendoed and it was apparent to anyone who stuck their face in it that the unholy cocktail was in its twilight years. Rather than drag out its demise, we put it down with dignity, by making an intern tie-dye a bunch of shirts with it.

Here are some pictures of old gross jars. They contained stuff like dreadlocks, cum, period blood, facial scabs, dead pigeons, cockroaches, vomit… ya know, gross stuff. Gross stuff people wouldn’t usually put inside jars for safe keeping.

And here is a photo of someone sitting on the roof of the US office wearing the limited-edition Gross Jar t-shirt.

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