In this How-To, infamous Texas legend Jim Stockbauer goes behind the bar of the Longbranch Inn and (barely) shows us how to (kind of) make a Bloody Mary.
How to Actually Stop a Wedding
A couple days ago, a WikiHow article called “How to Stop a Wedding" went viral.
What drew everyone’s attention was the sheer insanity of the headline, but what made everyone share it on Facebook was the seemingly methodical and sober step-by-step approach it recommended, and the surprisingly competent artwork. On the surface, it seems like a sane, rational way to go about doing something totally insane and irrational.
Elysia Skye, owner of LA Wedding Woman, was the most experienced and trusted minister I could find on short notice, and she was surprisingly game to go through the manual step-by-step and provide an unsentimental critique.
VICE: How many times have you had someone bust in and break up a wedding?
Elysia Skye: None. My grandfather, my father, my sister, and myself are all officiants. In 40 years, and thousands and thousands of weddings, we’ve never seen an objection on the wedding day.
Can you criticize the procedure for me anyway, as an expert? You consider yourself an expert, right?
How about step 1?
I do like that the article reminds people that it’s not about you. It’s not your movie. It’s their movie.
What about the rest of the planning steps? Are they practical?
Even if phase one is discouraging them, the bride will probably say, “We’ve invested $100,000, and we’re not getting it back.” So go, “OK. Have the party. Just don’t sign the license. You’re not ready yet. Have the ceremony. Enjoy your day. Just don’t get legally married.” I’ve seen things like that.
How to Have Better Sex in 2014
This is an article about having better sex in 2014. To take you to new erotic heights, I was going to give you some practical sex advice: don’t fuck two participants in a threesome with the same condom on, a guy will almost always love it if you sit on his face, ladies don’t like cum in their hair, etc. But, to be honest, practical tips turn sex into a bizarre shopping list: If you didn’t like Tip #2: “Draw a sexy bull’s-eye around your nipple with rhinestones and eyelash glue” (an actual Cosmo tip), then try Tip #9: “Gently stick his penis through the hole of a glazed donut” (another REAL TIP). These tips are impractical. There is really only one tip I can give you: use your mouth.
For talking, guys. For talking. I talked to a bunch of normal people I know and asked them what happened with their dicks, pussies, and asses in 2013 and what they’re going to do to make it better in 2014.
Pat, 30, is a regular human who had a good sex year: “Sex for me this year was all about learning to have sex consistently with one partner. Previously I was more of a casual sex/fuckbuddy person, but now that I have a girlfriend I had to get used to the idea of having monogamous sex with the same woman, all the time. Partner sex is less about getting drunk enough to do crazy shit and more about looking each other in the eyes and soberly telling each other what you want. In 2014 I think that trust will serve to help us explore even further our desires and sexual proclivities in a way that neither of us have had the opportunity to in the past. And by that I mean butt stuff.”
How to Sext without Looking Like an Idiot
There are a few things in life that everyone over the age of 16 should be able to do: cook a few decent meals, navigate a new city without Google Maps, enjoy a hangover, and, bear with me here, send a decent sext. Anyone who thinks they’ll be able to track down The One without knowing how to turn their phone into an object of lust has another thing coming. Sexting is practically a requirement for living in the 21st century, no longer the reserve of predatory creeps or girls who HJ exchange students, being able to communicate just how horny you are over iMessage or Snapchat is a life skill and you’re going to have to learn how to do it.
According to TIME magazine, four out of five college kids sext on the regular. As Benjamin Franklin once said: “In this world, nothing can be certain, except death and taxes and that you will at some point be awake at 3 AM struggling to think of a fourth non-gross synonym for vagina/penis.” Frequent sexters are no longer just a bunch of teens furtively sending each other dick pics with the caption “u like? ;)”—the sexting landscape is now dotted with old marrieds, yuppies, and regular everyday humans like you and me.
Especially me. I do it a lot. So, on the off chance that you and I ever bump into each other in sext land, here’s how to keep me interested.
DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF
If you’re just starting out, three to four words are all you need. A length limit forces you to get straight to the point and eliminates the possibility of embarrassing yourself by using adjectives like “pulsing,” which makes your pussy or dick sound like the still-beating heart of a butchered mammal. I guess if you were really fucking twee, you could imagine your sext as the 21st century equivalent of a candy love heart, but instead of “Fax Me” you’re writing: “I wanna fuck you in a bodega.” If you’re still nervous or super stuck, just mash a bunch of buttons as though overwhelmed with desire. Or, IDK, hold the phone against your underwear and type with your pubic bone. “Asdaoh23rghhsdhudffffffffff.” That sounds lustful, right?
It’s 2013 and I know you’re not typing out every letter individually on your Motorola Razr, so Y R U choosin 2 talk lik a tween? Who culd eva b trnd on by dis?? No one wants to be deciphering your sexual hieroglyphics when they could be quietly shifting in their lecture seat so the seam of their jeans hits things just right. “RU horny” is the text message equivalent of giving someone a wedgy as a flirting tactic. It also implies there’s a 14-year-old on the other end of the phone, which, again, is not ideal in this situation.
All Around Losing host Harry Cheadle normally evades conflict by running away or nervously laughing, but now it’s time to face his fears and become a man. First, he endures a physically draining work out with a Krav Maga expert who teaches Harry how to punch dudes with balls the size of beets. Then Harry heads to a gun range where an NRA-certified Israeli teaches him about shotguns.
How to Get Laid at the Gym
By Brian Moylan. Photos by Ben Ritter.
It’s only January 2 and your New Year’s resolution is already screwed. Look at you, bumming cigarettes from your friends, having just one toke before you go to work, and huffing glue in the bathroom like no one is going to notice when you walk back to your desk with heavy lids and a faintly chemical smell about you. Well, I’m here to help.
One of the most common resolutions (after always remembering to take your birth control pills and not texting your ex at 3 AM) is losing weight and going to the gym more often. But no one really wants to do that. Cupcakes taste so good and a Game of Thrones marathon is way more inviting than a bunch of crazy-looking machines that make you contort your body like a monkey at the circus. But what if you could get laid every time you went to the gym? It’s possible. Every time. Here are some tips.
The Straight Man’s Guide to Receiving Anal Sex from Your Girlfriend
Relationships, like produce, milk and reality television stars, have a shelf life. Most couples find that after a few weeks, months, or years, the luster fades and the initial carnal fury that brought them together has dissipated. The moldy codgers who get past this sexual brick wall do so by developing an elaborate series of coping mechanisms.
Infidelity is common in scenarios where one or both sexual partners become fed up with plain vanilla missionary. Sometimes, the couple just resigns themselves to erotic entropy, and embraces a sort of marital celibacy typified by the nightly ritual of ‘reading magazines’ or ‘checking the scores on ESPN.’ In this instance, going to sleep unfulfilled is preferable to even trying.
For those of you out there who want to tell me how love can sustain itself over decades, allow me to offer you the following completely non-scientific statistical breakdown:
-4% of the population falls in love and remains in love the rest of their lives
-21% of the population commits suicide after one too many viewings of the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan comedyYou’ve Got Mail
-25% of the population masturbates more than three times a day
-3% of the population is asexual
-40% of the population has boring, meaningless sex until they die
-7% of the population has casual, freaky fetish sex with multiple partners until they die of being too happy
The goal of every human reading this article should be to get in that 11% of the globe that either finds a soulmate or fucks a neverending series of holes with verve and vigor.
The easiest way to go about joining the 11 Percent (which is far more vital to the national discourse than the 99 Percent or the 47 Percent) is through the back door. Anal sex is the first stop on the Save My Relationship World Tour.
How to Speak Like a Maritimer
While Americans look to the south for unintelligible slang and quaint accents, Canadians look to the east. People speak so fucking weirdly in Canada’s Maritime Provinces that you practically need special Robocop-style eyewear to translate the toothless fisherman-ese into intelligible subtitles. But even though you might have trouble understanding what they say, the fact that they’re friendly as fuck comes across loud and clear. After some time, their garbled fast-paced accents and abuse of English grammar grows on you to the point where you find yourself back in the big city going, “Holee Jesus cocksuckin’ Murphy, she was some fuckin’ cold and a pocketful of fuck yester’ night, I’ll tell ya right now.”
Maritimers communicate with one another like young twins that invent gibberish language: They say what they want, how they want to say it. Communication is successful through a combination of inflections, contexts, and an instinctive mutual understanding that stems from living for decades in the same small boring coastal town. Here are a few tips if you ever want to try and converse with someone from Tatamagouche.
TALK REALLY, REALLY FAST
For starters, Maritimers speak at a speed that can only be compared to an episode of Gilmore Girls cast with leprechauns on crank. When in doubt, the rule of thumb is: Fake it till you make it. No fisherman is going to dissect the minutiae of what you’re trying to say, so if you’re stuck casually throw in a few nonsensical nautical-sounding phrases like “flipper dipper” or “thar she blows!” Keep up with the pace and no one will second-guess you. If you find yourself utterly speechless, stuff your face full of donair and they’ll think your dad was the mayor of Memramcook.
SPEAK LIKE A PIRATE
The whole living-by-the-sea thing has given everyone a kind of “arrr matey!” lilt. So words like “our” are pronounced “are,” “car” sounds like “currh,” and you’ll regularly hear things like, “Come on, Terry. Get in the currh (car) we’re going to the burrh (bar). Oh it’s not too furrh (far).”
“WHAT’RE YOU SAYIN’?”
This saying translates simply into “What’s up?” and it will get you confused looks anywhere east of New Brunswick. Maritimers prefer to ask what someone is “saying” rather than “doing,” because most of them come from small towns where everyone gossips and nobody actually does anything.