Reviewed: The World’s Worst Music Video Ever Starring the World’s Biggest Dickhead
At some point in the 90s, queercore band Pansy Division were interviewed by Kerrang! magazine. In that interview, they compared major pop punk bands like NOFX and Pennywise to 80s party metal scumbags Mötley Crüe—asserting that they appealed to the same type of person (scumbag party bros), behaved in a similar way (were scumbags at parties), etc. They were lamenting punk’s descent into apolitical bro-ishness via the Warped Tour and MTV, and while they were right that the focus had shifted a little from fighting the power to fighting back the puke, they could never have predicted Ronnie Radke. No one could, or would ever want to.
That’s right: Someone out there thought it was a good idea to have a bunch of emo dickheads do choreographed dance routines to metalcore breakdowns, get the most annoying one to rap, then slather a bunch of sub-Skrillex trance synths over the top of it. The synths sound like gangrenous piss. I don’t know if it makes it better or worse that Radke claims to have been sober and drug free for nearly five years. Coincidentally enough, he’s spent the same five years on probation for his role in an altercation that resulted in a shooting death, with two of those spent in prison for skipping out on his parole officer. Yep, he’s that kinda guy.
Disappointingly, for those of us who enjoy watching prima donnas with face tattoos talk shit about people they believe have wronged them, Radke had a tantrum on Twitter, then deleted all his tweets and Instagram photos. In light of such cowardly backtracking, we’ll have to make do with piecing together the psyche of a full-blown fucking rock star by taking a closer look at the video for “Alone”.
We open to the sound of synths and a helicopter dropping off a few emo bros who seem to have been plucked from some “make a band” PC game from the 90s. While considering the helicopter, note that these guys are signed to Epitaph Records, the pop punk Motown founded by Bad Religion guitarist Brett Gurewitz. That’s right: the same man who wrote “We’re Only Gonna Die (From Our Own Arrogance)” signed off on a helicopter and white suit rental to turn the stinkiest turd lurking in the toilet of Ronnie Radke’s ego a reality. I’m no punk purist, but it seems that Mr Gurewitz might want to take a long hard look at himself.
Is Bam Margera Trolling Us with His Song “Bend My Dick to My Ass”?
Above is a music video that Bam Margera just released. In it, he raps about fucking himself in his own ass for a few minutes, before pissing in his own mouth.
Obviously, it’s terrible. I was just getting ready to send it to everyone I know so we could all LOL together, but then somebody pointed out to me that it might be satire, rather than Bam actually attempting to make something that people might find funny. And now I’m in two minds.
Reasons Why It Might Be Satire:
– It features every pop music video cliche of the last few years: flares, babes in a pool, babes in the back of a car, babes in a desert, standing on a car in the desert, a stupid dubstep breakdown, rave synths that sound like Velcro, etc. And this is Bam, remember, he loves really alt shit like skateboarding and HIM, so I bet he really, really hates pop music. I bet he uses words like “fake” and “posers” when describing it :(
– He is wearing headphones to help him with the lip-synching. This suggests it was turned around very, very quickly.
– OK, so it’s a piece of shit that’s not gonna be remade for IMAX any time soon, but multiple people clearly worked on this video. If he were genuinely attempting to be funny, somebody would have stepped in and stopped him. It would have been cruel not to.
– He pisses in his own mouth in the video. This is a comment on how modern pop music is repulsively, self-celebrating, and recycles the same shit (or piss) over and over again, just like that Pitchfork review of Jet.
– Ditto the above, but replace “pisses in his own mouth” with “bends dick to his own ass.”
– The “chorus” is: “I wanna bend my dick to my ass so I can fuck myself.” The implications of a person saying this and genuinely thinking it’s funny are too depressingly wide-reaching to even begin thinking about.
Reasons Why It’s Probably Not Satire:
– It’s Bam Margera.
– He literally pisses in his own mouth in the video.
Foodie rapper Action Bronson (AKA Ill Prosciutto, AKA Bam Bam Bigalow, AKA Bronsolino) is the newest addition to the VICE Records dynasty. Us here at Noisey are psyched as hell, mostly because this means he’ll be bringing us doggie bags of his famous wild imported Irish goat, which apparently he makes in a BBQ pit somewhere in Queens. Mmm.
Punk lifers OFF! share another video from their first proper self-titled album. Usually, when somebody describes a song as particularly ball-busting, they’re referring to the intensity of the playing or the song’s heaviness or whatever. This time, we mean “ball-busting” as in, “Jack Black literally rips somebody’s balls from their body.”
This video was shot by Danilo Parra and VICE Global Editor Andy Capper, who told us they put this thing together on a budget of “like $200.” They produced the video way out in the Portmore area of Kingston, Jamaica, a zone that Vybz and his crew have locked down and nicknamed “Gaza City.”