The instrument a man plays dictates how he fucks. It’s a fact.
When trying to start a band, a great drummer is really hard to find. Because of this, most drummers know they are greatly valued. They have a simple confidence similar to that of an ambulance driver or a kinesiologist. Drummers are strong, and work the hardest of any band member, but the faces they make during their musical performance will determine sexual performance. If a drummer points his sticks, winks, or makes goofy big mouth smiles, he is going to be all empty tricks and probably cannot lick pussy to save his life. If he hits hard, stern and tries not to draw very much attention to himself, he is going to be a master at anal. Drummers will hang back out of the spotlight and never complain about anything. However, drummers can be aloof and too cautious. They will miss your pick-up signals and shamelessly email you days later even though you never gave them your contact (which makes you want to fuck them even more). Drummers will always buy the wrong sized condoms. Always.
The bassist will pillow talk with you for hours about his bandmates and name-drop big time actors he has “partied” with to seem more important. He will not know how to take off your bra, but will refuse to give up trying, so just do him a favor and have it unhooked the minute you even shake his hand. He won’t get it up right away, and will make excuses like a fifth grader who’s dog ate his homework. Bassists take a lot of breaks during sex because they are used to no one noticing if they drop out for a second. He will not let you use his designer shampoo or electric toothbrush, but will insist that you stay late the next day to have coffee and watch Netflix. Days after your night together, he will text you repeatedly, calling you slightly aggressive, yet totally immature, pet names. It will turn you off so you won’t respond. It only fuels his fire.
Guitarists are a dime a dozen and they fuck like it too.
If the guitarist always brings a back-up guitar to the show, you know the sex will be decent, and the next day you will be taken care of.
If the guitarist does not use a second guitar, it means he probably still lives at home.
If the guitarist breaks his guitar on stage for show then it means that you will have to be on top 90% of the time. This is better for you anyways because his dick probably does that slight curving up thing.
Originally, Deer Tick’s John McCauley and I had planned for this interview to take place in the form of a drinking game, but after we shotgunned our first beers we both threw up.
I Had Dinner with Buckethead
A friend of Buckethead’s agent recently invited me to dine with Buckethead in Los Angeles at his oceanfront Manhattan Beach home. Once a month, Buckethead apparently holds invite-only “Dinners with Buckethead.” The invite said, “Please wear long pants.” For a week I wondered what foods the elusive guitar player would serve. When the day arrived, I show up at the address at 7pm sharp in long pants, and a man in a white suit greeted me at the door. Inside, he led me to a table facing the ocean with three place settings. One other person (not Buckethead) was already seated in the middle; a white guy, shorter, with longer brown hair, wearing a trucker hat and big grandma sunglasses that he never took off. We were handed placards with calligraphed menus on them, and a few moments later, out glided a lavender-smelling Buckethead, in the Bucket and mask. No one spoke, or faced each other. We faced the Pacific Ocean, as the sun set, in silence.
No one really knows why Buckethead (born Brian Carroll, May 13, 1969) wears the KFC bucket on his head, and a Michael Myers Halloween-esque mask on his face. In fact, little is known about the virtuoso guitar player. His style spans from progressive metal to bluegrass, jazz, ambient, space. He shreds like Ares lives in his fingers. He’ll speed-pluck Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal,” then segue into the Star Wars theme with a solo that sounds like R2D2 fucking Amadeus at the speed of light. Buckethead is an anomaly. He doesn’t speak, to anyone. He’s released 37 studio albums—14 in 2007 alone. He’s performed on over 50 other albums and has played and toured with Mike Patton, Iggy Pop, Bill Laswell, Bootsy Collins, Les Claypool, Serj Tankian, and was a member of Guns N’ Roses from 2000 to 2004.
The “Dinner with Buckethead” placard began with: Potables:
Vodka Martini with Huckleberry Juice “Caviar.” Hand-foraged wild huckleberries spherified into caviar using a sodium alginate gelling agent. How it’s done: Add the alginate little by little to the juice, then drop spoonfuls into a bath of calcium carbonate dissolved in water. A skin will form around the liquid. The process is made known by El Bulli’s Chef Ferran Adria.
It tasted mostly like vodka, and I said, “Are we not talking?” As an icebreaker, but no one answered. Trucker Hat burped quietly. I tried to catch a glimpse of how Buckethead drank under the mask, but didn’t want to stare. He drank like a cat.
The placard continued:
Monkey-Picked Oolong Tea sweetened with Acacia Honey, collected by nomadic bee-keepers operating in a Tuscan National Park. How it’s done: Monkeys were trained by monks in the 18th century to pick tea for the Emperor Qian Long. Nowadays, the term “monkey-picked” simply means the tea is the highest quality available.
Let’s face a grim reality that all would-be musicians have to realize at some point in their lives. Writing a song is tricky business, let alone writing a song that doesn’t cause you to feel such great embarrassment, such pity for the person who wrote it, that you have to personally send them a letter of condolence and an invoice for the Numark that their song caused you to throw out a window. And that’s just ONE song. Imagine trying to come up with however many songs it takes nowadays to pass for a standard album and still have Bob Boilen soil his pants with excitement so you have a fighting chance of getting your single on that Apple commercial. And although there are plenty of guides out there to writing songs, there’s not nearly as many on NOT writing songs. So next time your Lennon/McCartney powers are running a little low, here’s a few helpful reminders on how to best whittle away your precious album running length, from studio chatter to the hip-hop skit.
First, never write more than you have to! If your album is running over 35 minutes, you’ll just be wasting more and more of everyone’s time the more you choose to noodle on. If you’re going to shoot for the magic single length of 3:35 per song that should give you roughly nine songs to “express” yourself, while keeping your stoned digressions firmly in check and kept to a minimum. Don’t even be afraid to stop at 28:00, you could just say you were trying to emulate a 1960’s pop record.