How to Totally Ruin a High School Reunion
Most people who bother to go to their ten-year high school reunion have an agenda. Some are looking to impress fellow graduates who tormented them. Others are hoping to have a sexual encounter on or near campus, preferably with someone who tormented them. One or two people actually want to have meaningful conversations. No matter when or where these gatherings take place, they’re all the same collection of highlights and lowlights.
Three basic types of reunion exist:
1)   The Romy and Michelle Reunion
In this scenario, you lie about your success without remorse. This deceit feels good. It starts to take hold of you and you believe your own fabrications. Your recollection of events from school is colored by your own myopia and you still dress like a fucking idiot even though you are now 28.
2)   The Grosse Pointe Blank Reunion
You attend your ten-year reunion begrudgingly, primarily because you are still pining over a lost love or unfulfilled attraction. Regret compels you to do something potentially embarrassing. Also, you are John Cusack and you don’t look 28 at all. You look closer to 38. Whoever thought Cusack was a good casting choice is a moron.
3)   The Zack and Miri Make a Porno Reunion
You are a huge loser, and can’t afford to live an adult life. As such, you hope that your reunion will be a chance to recapture past glory. After it’s over and you’ve made a drunken fool of yourself, you forge a pact to finally achieve some measure of happiness. Instead, you end up getting penetrated on camera. You decide to never go to another reunion again.
These events don’t have to be as depressing as the ones above, but invariably, they end up being a boon to the pharmaceutical and liquor industries anyway. The cycle of shame continues without end because not enough time is spent explaining exactly why reunions suck. It’s not just because you’re shallow, self-pitying, lazy, or fat. It’s those things, plus all the mistakes made in the planning of the reunions.
If we can all just work together to stop doing the following, we might be able to make revisiting puberty pleasurable.
Continue

How to Totally Ruin a High School Reunion

Most people who bother to go to their ten-year high school reunion have an agenda. Some are looking to impress fellow graduates who tormented them. Others are hoping to have a sexual encounter on or near campus, preferably with someone who tormented them. One or two people actually want to have meaningful conversations. No matter when or where these gatherings take place, they’re all the same collection of highlights and lowlights.

Three basic types of reunion exist:

1)   The Romy and Michelle Reunion

In this scenario, you lie about your success without remorse. This deceit feels good. It starts to take hold of you and you believe your own fabrications. Your recollection of events from school is colored by your own myopia and you still dress like a fucking idiot even though you are now 28.

2)   The Grosse Pointe Blank Reunion

You attend your ten-year reunion begrudgingly, primarily because you are still pining over a lost love or unfulfilled attraction. Regret compels you to do something potentially embarrassing. Also, you are John Cusack and you don’t look 28 at all. You look closer to 38. Whoever thought Cusack was a good casting choice is a moron.

3)   The Zack and Miri Make a Porno Reunion

You are a huge loser, and can’t afford to live an adult life. As such, you hope that your reunion will be a chance to recapture past glory. After it’s over and you’ve made a drunken fool of yourself, you forge a pact to finally achieve some measure of happiness. Instead, you end up getting penetrated on camera. You decide to never go to another reunion again.

These events don’t have to be as depressing as the ones above, but invariably, they end up being a boon to the pharmaceutical and liquor industries anyway. The cycle of shame continues without end because not enough time is spent explaining exactly why reunions suck. It’s not just because you’re shallow, self-pitying, lazy, or fat. It’s those things, plus all the mistakes made in the planning of the reunions.

If we can all just work together to stop doing the following, we might be able to make revisiting puberty pleasurable.

Continue

"There are times when Bad Brains, reunited for much longer than they’ve been away, offer hints of what they used to be, though there wasn’t really much of that on Wednesday. HR wasn’t on key, and it was too hard to hear what he was singing. He did it once though, at a show in Vermont in 2002 to about 50 people. There’s a chance he can do it again, and stay on key for a bar, and it’ll feel, if you close your eyes, like Bad Brains are playing. While that’s not enough for some people, it’s enough for me. But it’s best not to think about it."

"There are times when Bad Brains, reunited for much longer than they’ve been away, offer hints of what they used to be, though there wasn’t really much of that on Wednesday. HR wasn’t on key, and it was too hard to hear what he was singing. He did it once though, at a show in Vermont in 2002 to about 50 people. There’s a chance he can do it again, and stay on key for a bar, and it’ll feel, if you close your eyes, like Bad Brains are playing. While that’s not enough for some people, it’s enough for me. But it’s best not to think about it."

The Pixies have been on their “Joey Santiago Needs to Move His Kids to a Better School District” tour off and on for eight years now, about a year longer than their original run, when quite frankly, a whole lot fewer people noticed their minute and a half “songs.” Fortunately for them, Kurt Cobain (a man who should be more cherished for his record collection than for his recorded output) said he really really liked them and they’ve watched their payouts increase in proportion to Kim Deal’s and Frank Black’s bra sizes.
—Chunklet goes in on reunion fever. Read the whole thing

The Pixies have been on their “Joey Santiago Needs to Move His Kids to a Better School District” tour off and on for eight years now, about a year longer than their original run, when quite frankly, a whole lot fewer people noticed their minute and a half “songs.” Fortunately for them, Kurt Cobain (a man who should be more cherished for his record collection than for his recorded output) said he really really liked them and they’ve watched their payouts increase in proportion to Kim Deal’s and Frank Black’s bra sizes.

—Chunklet goes in on reunion fever. Read the whole thing