Neil Young & Crazy Horse “Lookin’ For A Love”

I blow my boyfriend to this song by default because we listen to a lot of Neil Young. He takes a video of it on his shitty, flip-phone video camera. I’m starring up into the lens, my eyes big and stupid like a gold fish in a pixelated pond. When we watch the video together, we are both proud of ourselves for the secret movie we buried deep in his cellphone. Almost a year later we break-up. It’s one of those messy break-ups that survives for years after-the-fact on lies, cheating and individual packets of lube. We sleep together in secret. We’re just trying to even the score. The last time I have sex with him, I feel terrible about myself. He puts out a cigarette in an empty coffee can on my kitchen table and makes a mess of my bed. As he gets dressed to leave my house I think about the days when we were “in love.” I think about how he would put on that Neil Young song and I’d pretend he had written that song for us. That sentiment is laughable now. Not all relationships are as deep as love ballads. Some relationships are just amateur porn buried in secret on a cellphone.

Remembering the Dumb Moments That Shaped Me Through Songs