Cry-Baby of the Year
Everyone in the world is turning into an entitled psychopath, which led to a massive surplus in the 2013 cry-baby market. It was a crowded field out there this year, and while it’s true that all of the contenders were infantile and pathetic, who was the biggest cry-baby of them all? We’ll let you decide.
We’ve compiled the ten cry-babies who received the most votes over the last year. Cast your vote for the worst of the worst at the bottom of the page to decide who will receive the Cry-Baby of the Year trophy pictured above.
Cry-Baby of the Week
The incident: A man noticed a spelling mistake on a sign.
The appropriate response: Instagraming/tweeting it.
The actual response: He allegedly tried to blow it up.
According to police, 50-year-old Leonard Burdek walked into the offices of the Teachers Standards and Practices Commission in Salem, Oregon on Wednesday afternoon carrying a pressure cooker with wires sticking out of it.
He dumped it on the front desk and told the people working there that he’d just unsuccessfully tried to blow up their sign, as there was a spelling mistake on it.
The sign in question was meant to say “Teacher Standards and Practices Commission,” but a “d” was missing from the “and,” making it read “Teacher Standards an Practices Commission.”
Office staff said “d” may have been scraped off or had worn off over time.
Leonard fled when the workers called the police. Apparently, before leaving, he complained that the instructions he’d used to make the bomb contained spelling mistakes.
Police arrested Leonard after spotting him nearby, and he was charged with disorderly conduct.
Meet the other contestant
Cry-Baby of the Week
The incident: In an effort to get a date, a man handcuffed himself to a coworker.
The appropriate response: Some kind of argument.
The actual response: Police were called, and the handcuffer has been sent to jail for four years.
Jason Earl Dean worked at a Taco Bell in Ringgold, Georgia. He had a crush on an unnamed 18-year-old coworker, and asked her out on several occasions. On all of these occasions, she said no.
Undeterred, Jason made the extremely unwise and creepy decision to wait for the girl outside of work one night and handcuff himself to her as she tried to get into her car. Shockingly, the girl wasn’t too into this and started to scream. At which point Jason unlocked the handcuffs and ran away.
Two days later, Jason was arrested and charged with false imprisonment.
Jason entered a blind guilty plea in court and WAS SENTENCED TO TEN YEARS—four years in jail, and six on probation. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
Cry-Baby of the Week
Cry-Baby #1: Nina Chaplin
The incident: A woman was unhappy with the Christmas dinner she bought.
The appropriate response: Complaining to the people that she bought the dinner from AND THEN SHUTTING UP AND NOT TELLING ANOTHER PERSON ABOUT IT BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING CARES.
The actual response: She went to the Daily Mail, and sat there holding up her sad little dinner in a bag while some poor idiot took photos of her.
Nina Chaplin (pictured above, disgusted) paid $60 per person for her family to eat at a chain restaurant called The Cricketers. Which is one of those chains that isn’t Applebees, but the menus are so sticky it may as well be.
The dinner, apparently, was not very good. The meat seemed to be frozen rather than fresh, and the Christmas pudding was “rubbery.”
Later in the article, Nina brings her dead mother into it:
"Mrs Chaplin said she felt ripped off after paying almost £400 for the meal for 11 at The Cricketers in Rainham, Kent. She had decided to take her family out for Christmas lunch as a treat for her father, Bob Lander, 62.
‘This time of year is always hard for my dad because my mom died at Christmas some 13 years ago, so we always try to make it extra special for him,’ said Mrs Chaplin, 41.”
While I have a certain amount of sympathy for in those circumstances, she then goes on to say that she feels the most sorry for her father, who “suffers from emphysema and had saved up his pension money to pay for his meal.” So you took him out for a “treat” to help him deal with the death of his wife, and he had to pay for it himself out of his own pension money? Jeeeeeez.
Cry-Baby of the Week
The incident: A ten-year-old boy named Kieran found some porn on an iPad in John Lewis, a department store chain in the UK.
The appropriate reaction: Laughing. That shit is hilarious when you’re ten.
The actual reaction: According to an article in The Sun, after seeing the porn, which his uncle described as “rotten porn… It wasn’t even boy and girl stuff” (which I think means it was “gay porn”), Kieran became “really upset and kept asking what it was about”.
Which, whatever, he’s ten. He’s allowed to get upset about stuff like that. I definitely wouldn’t have been when I was ten, but if he did, that’s obviously no biggie. The real cry-baby here is his uncle, Ross Evans, who not only complained to John Lewis—who, he claims, “didn’t take it seriously”—but presumably must have gotten in touch with The Sun to tell them all about it, too.
And then The Sun would have sent a writer and photographer to the boy’s house to get that picture of him up there looking sad with an iPad, and then somebody would have had to call John Lewis’s head office to get a quote, and the people at John Lewis would have sat around trying to work out the best way to handle it from a PR perspective (“The device was not correctly connected to our demonstration network. It won’t happen again,” is what they settled with, BTW), and then someone would have had to write the article up, and then it would have gone through an editor, and then gotten uploaded to The Sun website, and then people would have taken time out of their days to read about it, and 131 of those people then commented on the post, and then, before you know it, literally thousands of people are involved.
Because a ten-year-old saw some porn on a device that is connected to the internet.
Welcome to our new column, Cry-Baby of the Week. It’s a simple premise–basically we present you with two wimps, and then ask you to decide who is the bigger whiner.
The incident: An Australian woman bought a burger from a Hungry Jack’s, which is basically the Australian version of Burger King, in the very Australian-sounding town of Toowoomba. When she opened the box, there was a drawing of a penis inside.
The appropriate reaction: To laugh, take a picture of it for Twitter, and then complain to try to get some free burgers.
The response: Kylie (who is one of the 30 million Australian women named Kylie that are currently wearing a rugby shirt) took her story to the papers, and was interviewed by The Chronicle, where she posed for that HILARIOUS photo above, and said things like “It literally made me sick,” before promising to “never buy another burger from there again.”
If seeing a crudely-drawn cartoon penis makes her feel physically sick, she must have a very hard time when confronted with the real thing and in public toilets. According to the news story, Kylie has two children. Who, presumably, will be bullied until they are literally dead once their classmates see a photo of their mum getting butthurt over a cartoon penis. Great job, Kylie!