How to Get Laid at the Gym
By Brian Moylan. Photos by Ben Ritter.
It’s only January 2 and your New Year’s resolution is already screwed. Look at you, bumming cigarettes from your friends, having just one toke before you go to work, and huffing glue in the bathroom like no one is going to notice when you walk back to your desk with heavy lids and a faintly chemical smell about you. Well, I’m here to help.
One of the most common resolutions (after always remembering to take your birth control pills and not texting your ex at 3 AM) is losing weight and going to the gym more often. But no one really wants to do that. Cupcakes taste so good and a Game of Thrones marathon is way more inviting than a bunch of crazy-looking machines that make you contort your body like a monkey at the circus. But what if you could get laid every time you went to the gym? It’s possible. Every time. Here are some tips.
How to Look Good at the Gym
Oh, sigh. Another week, another website telling me to beautify my haggard face by rubbing it with edible cinnamon bath bombs. What’s with all the shitty advice, beauty people? Why isn’t anyone giving me useful tips, like when I was 13 and found out that straightening my hair with an iron really does work? When’s the next tip of that caliber gonna come along, huh? (And please don’t rush down to the comments and tell me I can iron my clothes with my GHDs. We all figured out a long time ago that hair straighteners are basically travel irons.)
Imagine my delight, then, when the other day, while I was steaming my face under a muslin for three hours after using lasers to cull my disgustingly unkempt bikini line, Cosmo whispered in my ear that it is now a woman’s duty to wear make-up to the gym. Oh what, you thought the gym was a “safe zone”? You’re a woman; there are no safe zones. Just waking up? Why aren’t your eyelashes tinted and curled, you pig? In the hospital having a transplant? Doesn’t mean your nails shouldn’t be so shiny that you can see your own tears in them.
I absorbed Cosmo’s workout fashion tips, sought out some others, faked a limp, and conned my friend into being my gym beauty guinea pig.
GYM BEAUTY TIP #1: LIP LINER + GLOSS + TINTED MOISTURISER
According to totalbeauty.com, “Lip liner will keep the color in place when your gloss transfers to your water bottle.” This is a lie. What actually happens is that the color gets smeared all over your mouth area, making you look like a clown that just punched itself in the face with a dumbbell.
OK, so my model totally let me down by contriving to make her lips look BANGING in this picture, but IRL, rocking big pink glossy lips to the gym is terrifying. Especially when paired with a golden tan, which, once you begin sweating, devolves into streaking around the neck area. Apparently, it was really itchy too. Avoid.