Meet the Bad Moms Club
In the spring of 2010, my mom got a reality check when she saw a poster that said “Live, Love, Laugh, Forgiveness” and realized that she hardly ever laughed and had barely been living (at least a life she wanted). She became a mother at 19 and was a three-time divorcée with five kids at 48—for 30 years, her life had been devoted to raising a family in the most boring, suburban way possible while ignoring the chaotic, joyous, eternal spring break that was happening all around her in Florida.
Last summer, she created the Bad Moms Club to change this. Now she goes to bars in South Beach and downtown Fort Lauderdale a few times a month to drink and dance with other single mothers. Like Destiny’s Child circa 1999, the club’s membership fluctuates, but two members have stayed consistent: my mother and her friend Barbie, a Cuban immigrant with the kind of booty rap songs are written about. Like my mom, Barbie married a baby daddy at a young age because she thought she was supposed to and then experienced an epiphany: at 38, she divorced her lawyer husband, drank alcohol for the first time, and took up multiple sex partners. “I had wasted my life,” Barbie told me. “Now I fuck black dick.”
Since Barbie is only really interested in NFL players, the club tends to meet mainly at dinners for Miami Dolphins football players and YOLO, a bar Barbie describes as “an upper-class place with a very nice atmosphere and great-looking dark men.”
Have you been to Club Paradise? It is a nice club. It is a pleasant club. Peaceful. You will like Club Paradise. You are allowed to drink underage there (sort of).
I myself have been to Club Paradise, its final night, held on the Summer Solstice in Raleigh, North Carolina. Well, I was there, but I was so engulfed in the OE that I can’t really recall that much of it. But I will report what I do remember of the evening. I cannot say with one hundred percent certainty, but I am fairly sure Drake tried to have sex with me. He didn’t come out and say it. But I could feel it, and that was enough.
I think this is the attitude that Drake tries to project as a performer, this sort of aura of being sexy/formidable that somehow feels explicit, though nothing is explicitly stated. Teenagers fucking eat that shit up, and moms are totally okay with it. I know this, because I saw at least two five year-olds at Drake’s concert last week, and about one million teenagers, all of whom were drunk. A stadium-sized rap concert featuring Drake, Meek Mill, J. Cole and 2 Chainz could have gone one of one ways: A bunch of fucking teenagers were going to show up, and Meek Mill, J. Cole and 2 Chainz were going to be less appreciated by the screaming masses of teenagers than Drake was going to be.
2 Chainz is quickly garnering a reputation as one of the funniest dudes working in rap today, flexing a savant-like ability to craft verses that come across as both stupid and amazing. If you listen to rap radio, he’s a guest on perhaps 40 percent of the songs you will hear, a miracle of statistics not seen since the heyday of Lil’ Wayne, right before he became the Michael Jackson of this rapping shit. Consider what has become perhaps Tity 2 Necklace’s (this is 2 Chainz’z nickname) best-known couplet, from his stunner of a verse on Kanye West’s “Mercy”: “I’m high and drunk at the same time/Drinkin’ champagne on the airplane.” DO YOU GET THAT JOKE??? HE SAYS THE SAME THING TWICE AND IT RULES. Reportedly, 2 Chainz owns $4,400 leather pants, but the pants he was wearing when he performed looked like they cost maybe $800. That was disappointing.
While 2 Chainz is hip-hop’s clown prince, Meek Mill might just be rap’s most formidable bridesmaid. Signed to Rick Ross’s Maybach Music label and effectively the Gilligan to Ross’s hugely fat Skipper, Mill’s been responsible for some of the biggest rap hits in recent memory. However, people aren’t really that familiar with his work as his and his alone. Most of the hits, such as “Tupac Back” and “Imma Boss” feature Rick Ross just as prominently as they do Meek. His most recent hit, the “Best Song Of 2012” contender “Amen,” features Drake, so he’s not making anything of a concerted effort to buck this trend. But here’s the thing. He’s always the best part of these songs. His flow is at this point un-fuckwithable, and he can be totally terrifying when he wants to be. He’s best when he raps didactically: He is literally teaching you a lesson as he murders you, which is cool. Something that is uncool: Meek Mill is on probation, so Meek Mill is not allowed to do any drugs.